Smokey and the Bandit

Buford T. Justice:
Hey boy, where is Sheriff Branford at?

Sheriff Branford:
I AM Sheriff Branford.

Buford T. Justice:
Oh, pardon me. For some reason you sounded a little taller on radio.

Buford T. Justice:
Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a god-damn hurry.

Buford T. Justice:
There's no way, no WAY that you came from my loins.

Buford T. Justice:
I'm gonna barbecue your ass in molasses.

Buford T. Justice:
This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.

Big Enos:
Son, you're looking at a legend.

Little Enos:
I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot a like, daddy.

Buford T. Justice:
What the hell is the world coming to?

Buford T. Justice:
You sum-b*tches couldn't close an umbrella.

Buford T. Justice:
There is no way, NO way that you came from my loins. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get home is punch your momma in the mouth.

Buford T. Justice:
What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.

Sheriff Branford:
The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.

Buford T. Justice:
The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.

Buford T. Justice:
And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.

Buford T. Justice:
Now, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!

Buford T. Justice:
That's an attention-getter.

Junior:
My hat blew off, daddy.

Buford T. Justice:
I hope your goddamn head was in it.

Buford T. Justice:
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.

Junior:
Except for that...

Buford T. Justice:
Shut your ass.

Buford T. Justice:
Duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.

Bandit:
Oh I love your suits. It must have been a b*tch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.

Carrie:
You have a great profile.

Bandit:
Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side.

Carrie:
Well, at least we agree on something.

Bandit:
Yeah. We both like half of my face.

Buford T. Justice:
You sum b*tch. You did that on purpose. You're going away 'till you're gray. I got the evidence.

Bandit:
What the hell was that?

Carrie:
A left. Or a half a U.

Bandit:
Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.

Little Enos:
It ain't never been done before, hot sh*t.

Bandit:
Watch your language, little lady.

Little Enos:
Well, if you can't do it...

Bandit:
That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?

Little Enos:
Your momma is so ugly...

Carrie:
I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.

Carrie:
Don't you ever take off that stupid hat?

Bandit:
I take my hat off for one thing, one thing only.

Carrie:
Oh...

Carrie:
Take your hat off.

Carrie:
I mean, If you want to...

Bandit:
I want to.

Buford T. Justice:
Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!

Buford T. Justice:
You want something?

Junior:
Hush puppies, daddy.

Buford T. Justice:
We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!

Junior:
Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?

Cledus Snow:
Whoa!

Cledus Snow:
I just passed another Kojack with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears, where the hell are you?

Bandit:
Snowman, you got your ears on?

Cledus Snow:
You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?

Bandit:
You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?

Buford T. Justice:
You bet your ass on that, boy.

Carrie:
Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.

Bandit:
And?

Carrie:
One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!

Bandit:
Well, at least he kept it in the family.

Bandit:
Cledus, get the money.

Little Enos:
How 'bout double or nothin'?

Bandit:
Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?

Little Enos:
You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.

Carrie:
You're on.

Bandit:
Uh, you're on.

Big Enos:
In 18 hours?

Bandit:
You're still on.

Bandit:
Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.

Buford T. Justice:
Who there?

Bandit:
This is Bandit Darville talkin'.

Buford T. Justice:
Where are you, you sombitch?

Bandit:
Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.

Buford T. Justice:
Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?

Bandit:
What do you think they do for excitement in this town?

Cledus Snow:
Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.

Cledus Snow:
Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.

Bandit:
Um, shitty job.

Cledus Snow:
Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before.

Bandit:
That's cause *we* ain't never done it.

Cledus Snow:
Suppose we don't make it?

Bandit:
Hey, we ain't never not made it before, have we?

Bandit:
I'm goin' to need a fast car.

Bandit:
Faster than that.

Little Enos:
I'd like to kick his ass just one time.

Waynette Snow:
No, Bandit! Not this time! Cledus is not goin' with you! He got in enough trouble last time! Dammit, Bandit, look at me when I'm talking to you!

Bandit:
I find it hard to look at you, Waynette. With all those curlers in your hair, you look like you're tryin' to pick up a radio station in Savannah.

Bandit:
For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.

Gimme $500 on the Bandit.

You late for a bowling match or something?

Sheriff, do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?

What the hell is this world coming too

Rotten Sumbitsches couldn't find their a**hole from a hole in the ground.