South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut

Mr. Garrison:
...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Satan:
Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

Saddam Hussein:
I love you.

Satan:
How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?

Saddam Hussein:
Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

Terrence:
You're such a pig-f***er, Phillip!

Phillip:
Terrance, why would you call me a pig-f***er?

Terrence:
Well, let's see. First of all, you f*** pigs.

Phillip:
Oh yeah!

Cartman:
Kyle's Mom... She's a big, fat, f***in' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a f***in' b*tch? Kyle's Mooooooooom! Yeah!

Cartman:
Oh f***.

Cartman:
I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

Kyle:
It's not your fault, Cartman.

Cartman:
Dude, I know, I'm just f***in' stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle:
Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat f***!

Terrence:
Now, Phillip, did you learn something in all this?

Phillip:
I did, Terrence. I learned that you're a boner-biting, dick-fart, f***-face!

Stan:
Who are you?

Kyle:
What? No, not f***in' Brian Dennehy!

Stan:
Get the f*** out of here!

Stan:
Dude, what the f*** is wrong with German people?

Cartman:
Don't call me fat, you f***ing Jew!

Mr. Garrison:
Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman:
Jew?

Kyle:
No, he's talking about "f***". You can't say "f***" in school, you f***ing fat ass!

Mr. Garrison:
Kyle!

Cartman:
Why the f*** not?

Mr. Garrison:
Eric!

Stan:
Dude, you just said "f***" again!

Mr. Garrison:
Stanley!

Kenny:
F***!

Cartman:
Kenny!

Cartman:
What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. F***-f***ety-f***-f***-f***.

Mr. Garrison:
How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman:
How would you like to suck my balls?

Mr. Garrison:
What did you say?

Cartman:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

Cartman:
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

Stan:
Holy sh*t, dude.

Cartman:
Kyle's mom is the one that started this whole orginisation all because she's a big fat stupid b -...

Kyle:
Dont say it Cartman

Cartman:
WWWEEEELLLLL!

Kyle:
Dont do it Cartman

Cartman:
Wwweellll!

Kyle:
Im warning you

Cartman:
Oh all right

Kyle:
Im getting sick of him calling my mom a...

Cartman:
WWEEELLLL

The Mole:
You MUST shut of the alarms! I f***ing hate guard dogs!

Cartman:
Yeah, I heard you the first time you British piece of sh*t.

Cartman:
Owww!

Mr. Garrison:
Ok, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard... anyone?

Terrence:
This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

Brooke Shields:
I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.

Newscaster:
It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

Cartman:
That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman:
Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?

Mrs. Cartman:
Sure, hon.

Cartman:
Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?

Cartman:
I SAID WHO WANTS TO GODDAMN TOUCH ME?

Chef:
Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General:
I don't listen to hip-hop.

Kyle:
Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman:
Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle:
Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Dr. Doctor:
We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

Stan:
But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

Stan:
Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.

Kyle:
Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Stan:
What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? I bet he'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle:
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold.

Cartman:
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair.

Cartman:
I want this V-chip out of me! It has stunted my vocabulary!

Kyle:
And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

Stan:
For Wendy I'll be an activist too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Mr. Garrison:
I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some f***ing poontang.

Canadian Representative:
Our government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!

Mr. Garrison:
All right, now let's trying to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard?

Canadian Ambassador:
Can I finish? Please, can I finish?

Canadian Ambassador:
OK I'm finished.

Sheila Broflovski:
Remember what the MPAA says; Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty woids! That's what this war is all about!

Kyle:
Be careful, dude.

The Mole:
Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

Stan:
Damn dude, that kid is f***ed up!

Cartman:
Kyle, all those times I called you a stupid Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.

Kyle:
Yes I am, Cartman! I *am* a Jew!

Cartman:
No, no, don't be so hard on yourself.

Cartman:
You're a f***ing f*ggot, dude.

Kyle:
Dude, that movie was f***ing sweet!

Cartman:
You bet your f***in' ass it was!

Stan:
F***, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Jimbo Kearn:
Oh boy, military action, Ned, we're gonna kill us some goddam Australians!

Ned Gerblanski:
I think we're fighting Canadians.

Jimbo Kearn:
Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

Stan:
Listen Mr. homeless man, if you don't wanna buy us the tickets and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.

Kyle:
You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle f***ers!

Ticket Taker:
Hey wait a minute, where is your guardian?

Cartman:
What?

Ticket Taker:
I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in. Didn't you?

Cartman:
F*** off, you donkey-raping sh*t eater.

Cartman:
Hey dudes!

Kyle:
What's the matter Cartman?

Cartman:
It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words

Kyle:
Really? So you can't say F***?

Cartman:
No!

Kyle:
And you can't say Sh*t?

Cartman:
No!

Kyle:
So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest f***ing piece of Sh*t in the world?

Cartman:
F*** YOU!

Cartman:
AHHH!

Kyle:
Ewwww... Sweet!

Sheila Broslofski:
Gentlemen, do you have any last words?

Phillip:
Last words? How's aboot: "Get me the f*** out of this chair!" How's that for last words?

Satan:
The day is mine!

Kyle:
What's the password?

Kyle:
Guess.

Kyle:
...okay.

Newscaster:
Is Terrance and Philip affecting America's youth? Here with that report is a midget in a bikini.

The Mole:
Now, did you bring the mirror?

Stan:
Check!

The Mole:
Did you bring the rope?

Stan:
Check!

The Mole:
Did you bring the buttfor?

Stan:
What's a buttfor?

The Mole:
For pooping, silly.

Canadian Representative:
Hey f*** you buddy!

Saddam Hussein:
Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman:
Hey, don't call me fat buttf***er!

Stan:
Do it Cartman! Do it!

Cartman:
Damn! Sh*t! Respect my f***in' authoritayyy!

Saddam Hussein:
You need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman:
Dog-sh*t taco!

Saddam Hussein:
Quick Satan! Do something!

Cartman:
Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!

Saddam Hussein:
Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!

Cartman:
OK... not! F***, sh*t, cock, ass, titties, boner, b*tch, muff, p*ssy, c*nt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Mr. Mackey:
I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Kyle:
Nowhere

Stan:
We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

Mr. Mackey:
Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin sh*t, you ass spelunker".

Terrence:
You're an uncle f***er, I must say.

Phillip:
Well you f***ed your uncle yesterday.

Phillip:
Suck my balls.

Terrence:
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn/ You just f*** your Uncle all day long!

Stan:
Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?

Ticket Taker:
No!

Stan:
What do you mean no?

Ticket Taker:
Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Stan:
But why?

Ticket Taker:
Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

Stan:
Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

Kyle:
The what?

Cartman:
What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Cartman:
Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

Kenny:
Goodbye, you guys.

The Mole:
What do you think this is kid? T.V. kiddie hour where we all stand around and lick Barney the dinosaurs f***ing p*ssy?

Kyle:
Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff.

Sheila Broflovski:
...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!

Cartman:
This is f***ing weak...

Kid:
Ah, f*** that. Why should we f***ing have to spell forensics?

Kid:
S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S. Forensics.

Phillip:
Shut your f***ing face, uncle f***er, you're a boner-biting-bastard, uncle f***er.

Cartman:
Hey, you're holding up the god damn lunch line!

Kyle:
You cant die! We don't know where we are!

The Mole:
You must go on...

Kyle:
No, we have no f***ing clue where we are!

Stan:
Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?

The Mole:
Ze what?

Stan:
The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.

The Mole:
Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!

The Mole:
If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.

Stan:
What's a dying giraffe sound like?

The Mole:
WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!

Kyle:
WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!

Phillip:
I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, f*** face.

Phillip:
Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.

Saddam Hussein:
Hey Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's f*** to celebrate.

Stan:
We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole:
I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

Kyle:
So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan:
Why are you grounded?

The Mole:
Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking a**hole, and I get grounded.

Satan:
You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of Darkness.

Chef:
Oh, good job Mrs. Broslofski. Thanks a lot!

Stan:
Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Chef:
Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.

Stan:
Huh?

Chef:
Whoops.

Sheila Broflovski:
What the heck is a rim job?

Mrs. Cartman:
Well that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.

Dr. Doctor:
Dammit! It never gets any easier!

Phillip:
This little scrotum sucker deceived us.

Saddam Hussein:
Ya like that, don't ya, b*tch?

Cartman:
Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey:
What?

Cartman:
What's the big f***ing deal, b*tch?

Stan:
Yeah!

Terrence:
Cheers, f***-face