Special Unit 2

Benson:
[O'Malley and Carl are laughing and hollering after blowing up a building] What are you two so happy about?

Nick O'Malley:
We just saved some guy's life, killed some vicious murdering Links and blew up something big. I'd call that a pretty good night.

[Kate Benson is checking O'Malley's pockets so she can arrest him]

Nick O'Malley:
By the way, the clock's ticking. We have to stop a massacre. So you might want to hurry it along.

Captain Richard Page:
Sean Radmon - our resident Link biologist.

Sean Radmon:
Yeah, and Sean would be the youngest full professor at the University of Chicago, only Sean opened his big mouth and tried to tell everyone the truth so now this is the best job that Sean can get where his chances of scoring on undergrads are zero.

Gargoyle:
This good-cop, bad-cop routine is worse than Starsky and Hutch.

Benson:
No, it's not a routine. I'm really a good cop. And he's... really a bad cop.

Gargoyle:
I'm about to work myself up to a yawn here.

[Det. Benson and Det. O'Malley are interrogating the gargoyle and they've just threatened to shrink him until he disappears]

Gargoyle:
Well, then you'll have no chance of finding those people.

Benson:
Well, see now, that kind of logic would work with a rational person... so if I were you I'd start talking.

Gargoyle:
You can both go to hell!

Benson:
Wrong answer.

[Special Unit 2 is trying to find a revived mummy]

Nick O'Malley:
How do we kill 'em?

Sean Ratham:
Can't kill'em, O'Malley, cause they're already dead.

Nick O'Malley:
You know what I mean, can we shoot 'em?

Sean Ratham:
No internal organs to disrupt.

Nick O'Malley:
Ah, we'll light it on fire.

Sean Ratham:
Not internally flammable.

Nick O'Malley:
Drown 'em?

Benson:
How many more ways of hurting things can you think of?

Nick O'Malley:
You said the stun gun would knock out that thing for an hour. ONE hour!

Ratham:
It's possible we didn't... fully appreciate... the mummy's background.

Nick O'Malley:
Ok, forget the stun gun. I want a C-4 grenade. I want a Bazooka. I want an Anti-Tank Missle!

Benson:
How does Special Unit 2 know I'm not going to tell everybody the whole thing?

Nick O'Malley:
The captain only picks people he feels he can trust. But transfers are not a problem for most people.

Benson:
Why, do they all get killed?

Nick O'Malley:
Well, one guy lived but he just sits in a room and talks to himself.

Benson:
If you're right about us not having relationships, it really won't be much of an adjustment for me. I usually scare guys anyway.

Nick O'Malley:
By telling them what you've seen, that no one else has?

Benson:
No, by telling them what I really think about everything. By being honest.

Nick O'Malley:
Well, that's always a mistake in a relationship.

Kendall:
Don't even waste your time trying to negotiate with me. I do it for a living and I've probably made more money this year than you'll ever make in your entire life.

Nick O'Malley:
Well, at least I don't turn into a Great Dane every month.

Benson:
You enjoyed killing that thing. Saving my life was secondary.

[O'Malley smirks]

Benson:
Okay, you're supposed to *disagree* with that.

Nick O'Malley:
Remember, guns don't kill people, gargoyles do.

Carl:
Hey, I still scare the ladies.

Nick O'Malley:
Just not the way you want to.

Benson:
"Hot *flossy* babes?"

Nick O'Malley:
[when about to leave a murder-site, Carl has left the car without permission] Would you get back in the car?

Carl:
Try asking nicely.

Nick O'Malley:
Please get back in the car, or I'll beat you senseless?

Carl:
Here's your fake back. Maybe you guys want to change your name to FU-2.

Nick O'Malley:
There's no smoking in here.

Parasite:
What are you going to do, arrest me for smoking?

Nick O'Malley:
No, but I'll hold this blowtorch to your head.

Benson [:
Put that gun away.

Nick O'Malley:
Okay. Right after I shoot him.

Carl:
[describing a Link] Like the Terminator, only not such a wuss.

Nick O'Malley:
[answering phone] This is Nick, loving every moment of my life and yours. Hello.

Benson:
[Benson has just found out she was hired because she was a woman] I'm a little offended, sir.

Captain Richard Page:
I was offended when Charlie shot my hand off. I got over it.

[repeated line]

Nick O'Malley:
How do we kill it?

Carl:
Seriously, I think I'm in love...

Jonathan:
Please, not with Rosie O'Donnell!

Detective Kate Benson:
On stripping? I don't need any advice from a couple of COLON eaters...

Detective Nicholas O'Malley:
Hey, for a couple of colon eaters, they really know their business.

Detective Nicholas O'Malley:
You know it's probably hard to believe, but no one has ever saved my life before.

Detective Kate Benson:
Oh... No. I believe it.

Detective Nicholas O'Malley:
There's no smoking in here.

Parasite:
What are you going to do, arrest me for smoking?

Detective Nicholas O'Malley:
No, but I'll hold this blowtorch to your head.

[a burgler attempts to rob the laudromat in front of the station]

Burgler:
Empty the cash register!

[the employees all draw big guns on the burgler]

Cashier:
[to the burgler] I don't think so.