Stand Up Guys

Val:
[after taking too much ED medication] I'm fighting the Battle of the Bulge here. This thing is going up and down like a yo-yo...

Val:
[In the confessional] Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Priest:
How long since your last confession?

Val:
60 years give or take a few.

Hirsch:
Hey, Val...

Val:
Yeah?

Hirsch:
It's like the old days, isn't it?

Val:
No! It's better.

Hirsch:
Yeah! Why?

Val:
Because this time we can appreciate it.

Hirsch:
Yeah, that's why.

Val:
Are you a real doctor?

Doctor:
Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?

Doc:
[as Val is urging them to steal the car] This car belongs to the Jargoniew brothers. I happen to know that.

Val:
A-and that's supposed to mean something to me?

Doc:
Nobody messes with these guys! They are the type of guys that take your kidneys out and not even sell them!

Doc:
You can't open a car with a coat hanger any more, Val.

Val:
Says who?

Doc:
Says the people who make cars.

Val:
Oh Ouh! Mount Everest just moved into my pants.

Val:
They say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name.

Doc:
My friend is looking for a "party".

Wendy:
Yeah? What kind of party?

Val:
Bar Mitzvah.

Doc:
[stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.

Val:
Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas.

Val:
So how's your health?

Hirsch:
Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.

Val:
What'd they take out?

Hirsch:
I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.

Val:
[Looking for the second girl in a proposed meage a trois] What about you?

Wendy:
Who me? No. I don't do it for money. I just can't...

Val:
Well, we won't pay you.

Val:
So, what'll it be. Chew gum, or kick ass.

Doc:
I'm all outta gum.

Hirsch:
Give me the key.

Doc:
There's no key.

Hirsch:
Give me the key.

Doc:
It's new. It's a button. Push the button.

Val:
Push the button.

Doc:
It's computers.

Hirsch:
Man, this is like the future.

Doc:
Exit, stage left.

Val:
[Just coming out of prison] You look like sh*t!

Doc:
You look worse!

Val:
Your place looks like where I just came from except it's worse.

Doc:
So, it's not to your liking. Sorry.

Val:
Not to my liking is the understatement of all time.

Val:
This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.

Doc:
Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.

Doc:
[These lines are read like a well-polished mantra familiar to all of them] What time is it?

Hirsch:
I don't know. What time is it?

Val:
It's time to kick ass or chew gum, and guess what?

Doc:
I'm all out of gum! [They ritually stomp their feet]

Doc:
I can't do what I said I would do. Mercy is a one-saying, mercy...

Claphands:
Finish this!

Val:
I took the fall. For everyone. I'm a stand up guy.

Val:
Hey, ladies! What do you say, what do you know? It's me, Giacomo!