Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning

[subtitled version]

Keisari James B. Pirk:
Where's Sherrypie?

Komentaja Ivanovitsa:
He couldn't stand defeat. He shot himself in the head, three times.

[subtitled version]

Ambassador Flush:
An itching nose must be scratched.

[first lines, subtitled version]

P-Liiton tiedeupseeri:
I would like to suggest, Emperor, that you reconsider your plan. The scientists are comparing it to Russian roulette. What theories we have on phenomena like the maggot hole indicate a tendency for continually increasing disturbances.

Keisari James B. Pirk:
So what else is new. Can we pass through there?

P-Liiton tiedemies:
Our ships weren't designed for twist pressures over one googol fluxoms.

Keisari James B. Pirk:
So in other words, you don't have a clue.

[subtitled version]

Keisari James B. Pirk:
Really, I did all I could for mankind, but did anybody thank me? No, they just whined about famine and overpopulation and stuff.

[subtitled version]

Keisari James B. Pirk:
[to angry mob] What's this racket? Get off my lawn or I'll light-ball your asses!

[subtitled version]

Kapteeni Joni K. Sherrypie:
Where's Kefir now?

Chief of Security Mikhail Garybrandy:
In the morning, I sent a patrol out. This is all they found. [holds up a crystal shard]

Kapteeni Joni K. Sherrypie:
Aliens have crystallized Kefir!

Chief of Security Mikhail Garybrandy:
Jonny, this is a data crystal. From Kefir's flight recorder.

[subtitled version]

Kapteeni Joni K. Sherrypie:
Where did that ship come from?

Chief of Security Mikhail Garybrandy:
Dunno. But it sure is butt-ugly.

[subtitled version]

Kapteeni Joni K. Sherrypie:
[aside] They look just like people!

[subtitled version]

Kapteeni Joni K. Sherrypie:
[holographic announcement to Baabel-13 station] To all P-Fleet personnel who surrender without resistance, I promise a fair court-martial and a swift execution. [receives a sheet of paper from off-camera] There is a ship, registration ZEX-514, parked aft of the station in a handicap space. Will the owner move it A.S.A.P.

[subtitled version]

Commander Dwarf:
Fleet reporting: practically all light balls expended.

Info:
In that case, approach to twinkler range at full shove power. Our losses should not exceed 68.4 percent.

Commander Dwarf:
I guess it's a passable day to die.

[subtitled version]

Info:
[to Commander Dwarf] Whatever you may think, the VCR remote stop button doesn't harm me.

[subtitled version]

Commander Dwarf:
Wars aren't won by avoiding battles.

Keisari James B. Pirk:
Enough with your sorry Plingon proverbs.

[subtitled version]

Commander Dwarf:
Plingon warriors do not take showers!

[last lines, subtitled version]

Info:
In a low-power mode, I believe I can make it until the 21st century, and prevent the fateful invasion campaign from taking place.

Keisari James B. Pirk:
So that none of this ever happened? Then I'll be saved!

Info:
Hm. In a way. Yes.

[subtitled version]

Commander Dwarf:
Tactical is still missing a chair!

[subtitled version]

Keisari James B. Pirk:
[as voice-over] Emperor's blog, dunno what Moondate.

Commander Dwarf:
Tactical is still missing a chair!

Info:
Now, we wouldn't want your powerful thigh muscles to atrophy.

Luutnantti Ruoska:
So you're the famous Emperor Pirk?

Keisari James B. Pirk:
This is me, in all my glory.

Luutnantti Ruoska:
Right...

Keisari James B. Pirk:
Why's everybody talk back all the time? Try walking in my shoes! It's no cakewalk, managin' the whole world by myself. Gotta admit, sometimes I think I've gotten in too deep. This mess began 8 years ago. My ship blew up and I was stuck in the past.