Stars on Trial

Juror #1:
[discussing Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie] Well for the record, I'm on Jen's side.

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
You heard it here, folks: Trevor Boris is in favour of genocide.

Juror #6:
I find Britney Spears guilty... of getting married and having a baby. What a terrible person!

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
I sentence 50 Cent to get married, settle down, and start a family of nickles and dimes. HA! Small change joke!

[on the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston break-up]

Juror #2:
All the women in the world were like WHAT? He cheate... oh, Angelina Jolie? Oh yeah, she's hot!

Juror #6:
[on 50 Cent] He got shot nine times, which I believe is a world record.

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Oh no, it's not.

Juror #6:
It's not?

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Show him, Rusty.

Rusty Waters:
[Rusty points at his wounds]

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Fifteen times in the face!

Juror #6:
Oh. Well it's still more times than me, which automatically makes him a GANGSTA!

Juror #1:
Can you imagine 50 Cent doing Shakespeare? 'Where art thou b*tch? Wanna suck my ****?'

Juror #5:
Kanye West dresses whiter than me. And I'm white.

Juror #2:
I wouldn't say 50 exactly pulls off a charming look. More like a 'quickly-cross-to-the-other-side-of-the-road' look.

Britney Spears:
[stands accused]

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
For having Kevin Federline's child, I sentence you to kill the child, then Kevin, then Shawn Desman, and then yourself.

[Fraser discusses one of the accused, we hear scraping/dragging noises]

Juror #6:
...and I'd like to point out that Ron moving his chair around like that is very distracting!

[Ron and Rusty are loudly dragging his huge judge's chair across the courtroom floor]

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Oh, sorry! We should probably do this later.

Juror #3:
Eff you for judging me and my family, Kanye! Eff you, unless you want to eff me for a stack of money!

Juror #4:
If I could find a diet where my tits get bigger but the rest of me stays the same, sign me up Lindsay, sign me up!

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Lindsay Lohan, I sentence you to never make a sequel to Herbie: Fully Loaded.

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
Unless you promise to stop singing. That would be a fair trade.

Juror #5:
So what if Angelina and Brad are using their kids as fashion accessories? It's not like the kids are gunna be like, 'no, I don't want a mohawk. Send me back to the orphanage!'

Juror #1:
Well, Ethiopian kids ARE the new handbags!

Juror #3:
My rule of thumb is that if you give me a stack of money larger than my thumb, I'll put my thumb, up your bum.

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
I hereby sentence myself to do a sexy dance for you all!

[he does a sexy dance]

The Honorable Ron Sparks:
I order you take take Kanye West shopping and help him pick out a pair of pennyloafers!