Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle

Interviewer:
You've become a sort of traffic warden for their laughter. You're sort of going; laugh for five seconds - stop. This one's really hilarious; make a lot of noise. I mean, I've seen you do that for hours.

Stewart Lee:
I know, well, the laughter is in the room like a resource that's bottled up. My job is to decant... to decant enjoyment from a collective body of people. But, to decant it at a rate that is just enough to eke out half an hour of laughs for BBC2.

Interviewer:
It's like being a surgeon. It's a trepanning sort of... Your a man with a drill.

Stewart Lee:
It's like being a surgeon or someone that milks semen out of a pig for, um... for artificial insemination. The laughter is like the pig semen and the audience are the genitals of the pig, and the comedian is the person milking the pig semen out with a view towards selling it on for use in industrial farming techniques.

Stewart Lee:
In the 1980s the Labour Party believed that the poor, who did not deserve to be poor; should be helped by the rich, who did not deserve to be rich. Meanwhile, the Conservatives thought that the poor, who deserved to be poor; should not be helped by the rich, who deserved to be rich. And that is the 1980s explained. It's very different today, isn't it? Today, both the main parties believe that the poor should be tied up in a bin-bag and thrown into a canal. The Conservatives, to be fair to them; at least had the guts to look as if they mean that. Whereas the Labour Party, when they announced their support for welfare cuts, they did so with all the confidence of a dog trying to run away from the smell of his own farts. The leaders are no different are they? David Cameron and Ed Miliband. They're about as different as two rats fighting over a courgette that has fallen into a urinal. The main difference being that the David Cameron rat is wearing chinos. In an attempt to win over the youth voter.