Stretch

David Hasselhoff:
Has anyone ever referred to you as a punk ass mother f***er?

Stretch:
Uh, not to my recollection.

David Hasselhoff:
You are a punk ass mother f***er.

David Hasselhoff:
Who's an hour late and at my age when you find yourself making the most of even the smallest moments, the idea that you would swindle out of an entire hour, that you would have the balls to vaporize 60 minutes of my waking life is contemptible, it's criminal.

Stretch:
I'm um really sorry.

David Hasselhoff:
Come on son, if you're going to patronize me, at least put your f***ing back into it, you don't have any respect for the HOFF. Am I right? You think I never held a knife? That I'm unfamiliar with the taste of blood? That I took a shitty sub par show about lifeguards and turned it into the highest rated syndicated hit in television history because I got f***ing lucky?

David Hasselhoff:
I once forcibly sodomize a Vietcong colonel with a stick grenade because he placed an ancestral curse on me while I was interrogating him and I don't even believe in ancestral curses but that's how f***ing deep I roll.

Roger Karos:
Did this limo get squat-f***ed by Satan?

[first lines]

Stretch:
[narrating] If you like stories about chance and coincidence and fate, then here's one you'd never heard. Boy meets girl. Girl almost kills boy by running a red light at rush hour. Boy is T-boned at over 60 miles an hour.

Other Driver:
God, are you alright?

Stretch:
Uh huh.

Stretch:
[narrating] And survives with barely a scratch.

Other Driver:
Are you drunk?

Stretch:
Not any more.

Candace:
I'm sorry, I didn't see the light.

Stretch:
Well, don't go towards it now.

Stretch:
Hey, can I ask you, what do you get out of punching yourself in the face?

Roger Karos:
[sitting up bloody mouthed] Clarity. The comfort in knowing I can take that punch.

Stretch:
I have a gambling addiction.

Roger Karos:
That just means you lost more than you won.

Stretch:
[surrounded by henchmen] I see a lot of eyeballs. You better put 'em on a f***in' dimmer, before I put cases ON ALL YOU B*TCHES! [edging out] Make a lane... Make a lane.

Roger Karos:
The truth is you were always gonna get f***ed, pal, because you're a beta male. And I grind guys like you down to make my bread.

Stretch:
[coaching himself] Own the space. Own it.

FBI agent:
If I were you, next time I'm sitting in a limo, I'm in the back seat.

[last lines]

Stretch:
[narrating] If you like stories about chance and coincidence and fate, then here's one you've never heard. Boy meets girl. Girl is the one he's been looking for his entire life. [they kiss]

Charlie:
Yes, indeed.

Stretch:
I don't believe in fate, destiny... To me life's nothing but timing.