Superman vs. The Elite

Lois Lane:
[watching a cartoon of Superman] Wow, okay. Ha-ha. That's uh... Wow. It never occurred to me that the S stood for "silly."

Clark Kent:
It wasn't that bad.

Lois Lane:
When have you ever said "crime doesn't pay"?

Lois Lane:
It's a given that I am getting the scoop on these newbies, right?

Clark Kent:
Not unless you can type 5,000 words a minute.

Lois Lane:
Do not make me unleash my feminine wiles on you, Clark Kent.

Superman:
Sorry there's no movie.

Lois Lane:
Don't try to be cute. You're lucky I'm letting you fly me there. Once we hit the ground, it's every reporter for herself.

Superman:
Unless I get something really juicy.

Lois Lane:
Ah. Learning.

Lois Lane:
If she knows anything, I'm the Martian Manhunter.

Superman:
There go all of my fantasies.

Superman:
Let's start with your name.

Manchester Black:
Manchester Black. Aspiring do-gooder and all-around pain in the ass at your service.

Superman:
Sorry. I heard your telepathic shout before. But my mind is protected from anything deeper by a series of psychic blocks.

Manchester Black:
Best I've seen too. Got a few skeletons rattling around up there you don't want out? I'm not looking for you deepest, darkest. Showing is faster than telling. And I hate to hear my own voice, believe it or not.

Coldcast:
Don't believe him. Only thing shuts him up is a soccer game.

Manchester Black:
Football, you uneducated Yank.

Lois Lane:
[watches Superman being kissed by Menagerie] So was it the trashy outfit, or should I start gluing slugs to my face? Maybe an iguana.

Clark Kent:
It was a moment. Pam was overexcited.

Lois Lane:
Pam? One team up and she's Pam?

Clark Kent:
We saved a few hundred people, Lois. What can I say? They're new and... excitable.

Lois Lane:
That excitability better stay one-sided... though you don't exactly sound like a fan.

Clark Kent:
Not sure I am.

Manchester Black:
This is a call-out to the shadow cabinets, petty dictators and all-around tossers of the world. You're on notice. We're not bound by lines on a map or political alliances or government bodies of any kind. We are our own bosses, and we have a very simple job. There are the good guys, namely us and the bad guys, namely anyone who treats anyone else like trash to further their petty aims. We turn bad guys into memories. So mind your manners, lads and lasses or we'll blow your house down. We're the Elite. You asked for us, world. Now you got us.

Robot:
The metahumans designated the Elite are not anywhere within the range of our scanners, Kal-El. Their message was downloaded through a post-dimensional probability channel.

Lois Lane:
I think my phone has an app for that.

Superman:
It means they're hiding between dimensions. Impossible to track.

Robot:
Though we are currently processing 3,500,405 Internet hits on the Elite.

Superman:
How many of them are informational?

Robot:
Zero.

Lois Lane:
How many of them contain the phrase: "These guys rock"?

Robot:
2,800,000.

Coldcast:
[to Pokolistani Soldiers] They have microwave popcorn in your terror-ass country?

Menagerie:
You got terrorist on you.

The Hat:
Ick. [flicks blood off his coat]

Menagerie:
[looking at Superman] Even with his ass kicked, it's still a fine ass.

Coldcast:
Remember who kicked it, baby.

Pa Kent:
Been a lot of talk. Not much it good. Had to put a slap on Ben Farnsworth on account of he said you looked the fool.

Clark Kent:
I did, Pa.

Pa Kent:
They sucker-punched you.

Clark Kent:
Sucker-teleported, technically. So even Smallville's rooting for the Elite.

Pa Kent:
Well, just the loud, angry and stupid.

Clark Kent:
Come on, it's not that simple. I don't think that I make them feel safe anymore. The way I do things.

Pa Kent:
Clark, when people are scared, they have a tendency to hop on a bandwagon before they see who's driving it. But when they wise up, and believe me, they will, what matters is that you'll be there for them. Leading by examples just like always. Truth, justice and the American way. It ain't broke, so don't fix it.

Clark Kent:
Thanks, Pa.

Pa Kent:
Besides, if those knuckleheads don't quit tugging on your cape, you can always kick their self-righteous asses to kingdom come.

Atomic Skull:
[the Elite arrive] He's sending in the B team? I want the boss, not the interns.

Manchester Black:
[to Atomic Skull] You're buggered, mate. Give my regards to Satan then.

Superman:
No. He's going back to Stryker's.

Manchester Black:
Back to jail? Are you daft? This is what happens. More pain, more suffering.

Superman:
We are not the law. We do not...

Terrence Baxter:
Kill him. Kill him.

Superman:
I'm sorry.

Terrence Baxter:
[to Superman] It's your fault. You beat him already. You did it you way and...

Manchester Black:
And he failed. Is that the world you want? Or should monsters like this get what they deserve? Say it, kid.

Superman:
No.

Terrence Baxter:
Do it.

Lois Lane:
Clark. Clark. I called Kansas and Ma said you're not there. So pick up your stupid hologram thing or I'll kick your butt when you get home.

Superman:
Sweet-talker.

Lois Lane:
Yeah, well. Not really.

Superman:
I'm going to say this once. Surrender now, face judgment for your crimes or...

Manchester Black:
Stop. There is no "or" in this conversation. Because you don't have the stones to do to us what we'd do to you in a heartbeat.

Menagerie:
He might have the stones to do me.

Manchester Black:
Pam, I'm handing out ultimatums. Please, keep it in your pants.

Manchester Black:
You probably won't believe this, but I used to love superheroes. But masks are for hiding. Capes are for play. You were the first. The best. But you're a clich? and you don't fit in anymore. Mad scientists, idiots in underwear, bank robbers, knock yourself out with that lot. But the real work, fixing the world, is ours. Starting tomorrow with Bialya.

Superman:
I'm shutting you down.

Manchester Black:
Right.

Manchester Black:
[to Superman] No witty retort. Oh, wait. You're in the middle of a seizure. Sorry, mate. I can't read your mind but I sure as hell can muck about with your brain. All those capillaries, like little tubes of concrete. But still vulnerable. It's funny, isn't it? A life of truth, justice and the American, military, capitalist way. In the end, you die on the moon, wondering if your bowels will let go. And tomorrow, the world will go on like nothing happened. Dragged kicking and screaming to a better day.

Manchester Black:
[holding a piece of Superman's cape] How is it that no matter how badly you massacre one of these thong-and-blanket types some shred of their unmentionables still survives the blast?

Coldcast:
I did my best, boss. At least you got a trophy out of it.

Manchester Black:
Strewth.

Manchester Black:
Bunny, get ready to port again. The second he shows his S, I'm gonna flatten this whole city.

Coldcast:
Chester, wait... [Coldcast vanishes, a pile of cars and debris is sent flying at Manchester]

Manchester Black:
Holy sh... Where did he go? Where did he freaking go?

Superman:
Orbit. He went into orbit at Mach 7.

Manchester Black:
You're not dying. I'm thinking it, but why can't I feel my power?

Superman:
I scanned your brain for abnormalities. And when I found one, I cut it out.

Manchester Black:
What?

Superman:
Heat vision. Focused through your pupils like a scalpel. Instant lobotomy.

Manchester Black:
You think that's it? It's not over, you poncy twit. If you think I'll just go to jail and rot, you're living in a dream world!

Superman:
Good. Dreams save us. Dreams lift us up and transform us into something better. And on my soul, I swear that until my dream of a world where dignity, honor and justice are the reality we all share, I'll never stop fighting. Ever.

The Hat:
Hang tight! Everyone knows Superman can't do magic! [flies into the whirlwind]

The Hat:
Here's a little ancient Chinese secret... [starts to choke]

Coldcast:
How? He's shielded by magic...!

Manchester Black:
Mate, that wind is clocking in at five hundred miles a minute! His body may not be taking any hits, but his lungs've collapsed from the vacuum!

Superman:
I finally get it. Thank you... I made the mistake of treating you people like, people. Now, I understand better... I understand now what the world wants, what it NEEDS. The world needs people in charge, willing to put the animals DOWN! [raises a whirlwind on the Elite]

[Superman is going to kill Manchester Black]

Manchester Black:
[weeping with fear] This isn't you... you don't do this!

Superman:
I do, now.

Superman:
[note to Lois] Believe. Always believe.

Lois Lane:
When...?

Clark Kent:
Dawn, I guess.

Lois Lane:
Why did you have to do this? Why can't you call someone else?

Clark Kent:
The Elite didn't take the fight to anyone else. They chose me.

Lois Lane:
No, you went after them!

Clark Kent:
They're slaughtering people and laughing about it.

Lois Lane:
Black can punch a hole through a mountain by thinking! The Hat tosses around demons like trained birds, and Pam...

Clark Kent:
They have to be stopped!

Lois Lane:
I think they can beat you!... I'm sorry. But they're willing to go places you won't. And they're so damn strong...

Clark Kent:
I heard a child say that he wanted to be in the Elite when he grows up, because it would be fun to kill bad guys. Fun to kill... People have to know that there's another way. They have to see that someone believes in humanity strongly enough to...

Lois Lane:
...to die for them? [they kiss]

[Superman lands in front of Black]

Superman:
If you had super-hearing, any second you'd hear the... pop!

[in a crowded area of Metropolis]

Manchester Black:
He won't do anything here, not with the sheep around us!

The Hat:
I'm getting a tight sphincter here, Chester...

Manchester Black:
Shut your gob!

Menagerie:
OW! Something bit me! [sees a Superman dart]

Manchester Black:
Bit you? [Menagerie collapses, all her alien beings crawl out of her]

Coldcast:
PAM! DO SOMETHING!

Manchester Black:
Do what? He's poisoned her suit, the buggers want out!

The Hat:
He was supposed to be dead... [Menagerie is suddenly silent]

Coldcast:
She's not breating! Damnit, Chester!

The Hat:
She's dead...

Manchester Black:
Bugger me! He's playing it OUR way!

Coldcast:
[hearing Superman's voice] Nothing could have... that was like fifteen suns exploding in his face...

Coldcast:
I call kneecaps.

The Hat:
Spine.

Menagerie:
Other.