Susan Slept Here

Sergeant Monty Maizel:
Remember you guys, she's underage. Lay one hand on her and that's all brother.

Mark Christopher:
You know I've forgotten what seventeen year old emotional kids are like. I've been going out with middle-aged women; twenty, twenty-one.

Maude Snodgrass:
Your husband's better than crazy, he's a writer. And you'll be just another story to him, Susie, unless you love him enough to stay and put the ending on it. Don't let the senator's daughter write the fade-out.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
Leave me alone! Let me go!

Maude Snodgrass:
*After* I've talked to you like a mother.

Virgil, Mark's Gofer:
What do *you* know about motherhood?

Maude Snodgrass:
I happened to have typed the script to 'Stella Dallas.'

Virgil, Mark's Gofer:
Take a lot of coffee, don't ya?

Sergeant Monty Maizel:
Only black. It's the cream and sugar that hurts you.

Mark Christopher:
Hello there.

Sergeant Monty Maizel:
Hi.

Mark Christopher:
I don't think we've met.

Sergeant Monty Maizel:
That's because you never saw me before.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
[looking at a picture of Isabella] You know, I'd like to get a dye job and a facial like her.

Mark Christopher:
Isabella is a natural blond.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
You sure?

Mark Christopher:
We're very good friends... She told me.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
And thank you for the whistle, too, even if you didn't mean it.

Mark Christopher:
I meant every pucker.

Mark Christopher:
How would you like your daughter to spend the next six months in jail with hardened criminals?

Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer:
Hmm, might do her good.

Mark Christopher:
Now every law has a loop-hole. What can we do, Harvey? She's a nice kid.

Virgil, Mark's Gofer:
You and Isabella can adopt her, if you don't tell Isabella.

Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer:
Just a simple little annulment, Susan. And since you and Mark aren't really married...

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
But we are married. We drove to Las Vegas and came back with a wedding license.

Virgil, Mark's Gofer:
You're lucky. Usually people don't come back with anything.

Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer:
[Interrupred by Mark during a session at his psyciatrist] Do forgive me if I don't stand up, but this couch costs me fifty bucks an hour.

Virgil, Mark's Gofer:
But as a very wise child bride pointed out: who needs me around here? I'm too old for college and too young for charity. That leaves the navy.

Mark Christopher:
Deserter.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
Now Mark, what more do you want in a wife, I'm a doll and you know it.

Mark Christopher:
I'm too big do play with dolls. I'm ready for the armchair, television, a small dog to bring my slippers.

Susan Beaurgard Landis:
Arf! Arf!