Swingers

Trent:
Look at this, OK? I want you to remember this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.

Trent:
So, what'd you think of that Dorothy girl?

Mike:
The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on. Does that make me some kind of fag?

Trent:
No, baby, you're money.

Mike:
Trent, the beautiful babies don't work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift.

Mike:
That was so f***ing money. That was like the Jedi mind-sh*t.

Mike:
Do you think we'll get there by midnight?

Trent:
Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!

Sue:
People get carjacked.

Trent:
Who's gonna carjack your f***in' K-Car? He's right Sue you don't need to carry a gat!

Mike:
How about if I wait six weeks to call. I could tell her I found her number while I was cleaning out my wallet, I can't remember where we met. I'll ask her what she looks like and then I'll ask her if we f***ed. How about that? Would that be money?

Rob:
Those guys are right. You're money.

Mike:
Then why won't she call?

Rob:
She won't call because you left. She's got her own life to deal with and that's in New York. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but f*** her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful.

Trent:
I wish they still had fights in this game so I could b*tch-slap Wayne.

Mike:
What? They don't have fighting anymore?

Trent:
Doesn't that suck?

Mike:
Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.

Sue:
I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin', man.

Trent:
Yeah but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.

Mike:
Make somebody's head bleed.

Sue:
No man, were in the playoffs.

Sue:
Pause the game.

Trent:
Wait I'm gonna do my thing with the thing.

Trent:
You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...

Sue:
...big f***ing teeth, man.

Trent:
Yeah... big f***in' teeth on ya'. And she's just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.

Sue:
Shivering.

Trent:
Yeah, man just kinda... you know, you got these claws and you're staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"

Sue:
And you're poking at it, you're poking at it...

Trent:
Yeah, you're not hurting it. You're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny's scared Mike, the bunny's scared of you, shivering.

Sue:
And you got these f***ing claws and these fangs...

Trent:
And you got these f***ing claws and these fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?

Sue:
You're like a big bear, man.

Mike:
So you're not just like f***ing with me?

Trent:
No I'm not f***ing with you.

Sue:
Honestly, man.

Mike:
What the f*** are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?

Sue:
Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.

Trent:
Anaheim.

Sue:
Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.

Trent:
Um... a malt Glen Garry for me and my friend here. And if you tell that bartender to go extra easy on the water, this 50 cent piece has your name on it.

Trent:
Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.

Mike:
That was so demeaning.

Trent:
She smiled, baby.

Mike:
I can't believe what an a**hole you are.

Trent:
Did she, or did she not smile.

Mike:
She was smiling at what an a**hole you are.

Trent:
She was smiling at how money I am, baby.

Trent:
Hey! What're you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?

Trent:
You're so money and you don't even know it!

Trent:
All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.

Rob:
They went with someone who had more theme-park experience.

Mike:
Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?

Girl at the Party:
What do you drive?

Trent:
I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man.

Mike:
Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.

Trent:
Excuse me darling. I'm sorry. Wow. I want you to remember this face here, OK, this is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.

Mike:
You shouldn't be sorry, you're a winner. I'm the f***ing loser. I'm the one who should be sorry.

Trent:
Baby don't talk that way.

Mike:
Can we just go, please, can we go?

Trent:
Baby look at me, look at me. You're money, and you know what else? You're a big winner tonight.

Mike:
I want to leave.

Trent:
You're a big winner. I'm gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.

Trent:
I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo.

Mike:
Yeah, well they're all skanks.

Trent:
What are talking about? Look at all the beautiful babies here.

Mike:
The beautiful babies don't work the midnights-to-six on a Wednesday. This is the skank shift.

Trent:
Look at all the beautiful honeys here.

Mike:
So how long do I wait to call?

Trent:
A day.

Mike:
Tomorrow.

Sue:
Tomorrow, then a day.

Trent:
Yeah.

Mike:
So two days?

Trent:
Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.

Sue:
Definitely, two days is like industry standard.

Trent:
You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?

Sue:
Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.

Trent:
But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...

Mike:
Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.

Charles:
Then ask her where you met her.

Mike:
Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we f***ed. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?

Trent:
You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.

Mike:
Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?

Trent:

Mike:
Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny a**holes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?

Trent:
Yeah, I'm listening.

Mike:
I'm not gonna be one of those a**holes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to f***in' puke!

Trent:
There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you're money and that you want to party.

Mike:
Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob:
You don't call.

Mike:
But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So I don't call either way?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So what's the difference?

Rob:
There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike:
So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
Well that sucks.

Rob:
Yeah, it sucks.

Mike:
So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob:
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike:
What do you mean?

Rob:
I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike:
Well what if she comes back first?

Rob:
Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike:
There's the rub.

Rob:
There's the rub.

Trent:
You take yourself out of the game, you start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream and of course it's going to end up on the friendship tip.

Charles:
The place is dead anyway

Trent:
I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here.

Trent:
All right, all right I'll ask her. Miss, miss! Do you know where the high school girls hang out around here? What? What? That's right, I'm the a**hole! I'm the a**hole!

Rob:
Why does it have to be Goofy? Why couldn't it be Mickey? Mickey's an icon.

Mike:
What do want? You're tall.

Trent:
Our baby's all grown up.

Trent:
Oh Mikey you don't want all that "Pirates Of The Caribbean" horseshit, or the "Rock and Roll Grunge Tip". Guys like you and me gotta kick it here, old school.

Sue:
Just because I had the balls to stand up to those guys...

Trent:
Like f***in' House of Pain was gonna do anything?

Sue:
What? Come guys I couldn't back down, that guy called me a b*tch we kept our "rep" bro.

Charles:
Man, f*** "rep" I got a call back tomorrow!

Sue:
This is bullshit, such bullshit!

Mike:
The Kings suck in this game you should play another team.

Sue:
I took the Kings to the cup.

Trent:
Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.

Sue:
They are a finesse team.

Trent:
LA is a f***ing b*tch team. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sue:
B*TCH!

Rob:
So let me get this straight. The party started at eight. Why are we going to a bar at ten?

Trent:
Vegas, baby. Vegas.

Trent:
To the ladies?

Mike:
To the ladies.

Trent:
I'm the a**hole? I'm the a**hole in the place yeah? Yeah, well I'm outta here. I would never eat here, I would never eat here anyway.

Trent:
Y'know, it's not so much me as Roenick; he's good.

Trent:
Look, you take yourself out of the game, you start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream, of course its going to end up on the friendship tip.

Mike:
I just don't think she liked me.

Trent:
Baby you are so money and don't even know it.

Rob:
Those guys are right. You're money.

Mike:
Then why won't she call?

Rob:
She won't call because you left. She's got her own life to deal with and that's in New York. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but f*** her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful. Alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it. We're here. And everything that is past is prologue to this, all the sh*t that didn't kill us is only - ya know, all that sh*t... You're gonna get over it.

Mike:
How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take you?

Rob:
I don't know, man. Sometimes it still hurts. I don't know, man. It's like you wake up every day and it hurts a little less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And it's like, and this might sound a little weird, but it's like you almost miss that pain.

Mike:
You miss the pain?

Rob:
Yeah. For the same reason you miss her... Because you lived with it for so long.

Trent:
You know what? You’re like a big bear with claws, with fangs-

Sue:
Big f***ing teeth, man.

Trent:
With big f***ing teeth on you. And she’s just like this little bunny, just kind of cowering in the corner-

Sue:
Shivering!

Trent:
Yeah, man. You got these claws, and you’re staring at these claws, man, and you’re thinkin’ 'how am I supposed to kill this bunny'.

Sue:
You’re pokin’ at it. You’re pokin’ at it.

Trent:
Yeah, you’re not hurting it. You’re just gently battin’ the bunny around. You know what I mean? The bunny’s scared, Mike. The bunny’s scared of you.

Sue:
And you got these f***ing claws, man.

Trent:
You got these f***ing claws and these fangs, man. And you’re looking at your claws and you’re lookin’ at your fangs and you’re thinkin’ to yourself, ‘I don’t know what to do’, man. ‘I don’t know how to kill the bunny. With this, I don’t know how to kill the bunnies’, man.

Sue:
You’re like a big bear, man.

Mike:
You're f***ing with me.

Trent:
No I'm not f***in' with you...Mike, I'm tellin' ya, you're money...Come here a second, listen. Now look it. When you go up to talk to her, man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hopin' makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man. Bad man.

Lorraine:
Hi, Mike, I'm Lorraine.

Mike:
Like the quiche.

Lorraine:
Yeah, yeah, the quiche. That's a really original joke.

Mike:
I like quiche. How's that?

Lorraine:
Yeah? Well, I thought real men didn't like quiche.

Mike:
Yeah, well, my reputation seems to have preceded me here.

Lorraine:
You're not a real man?

Mike:
Not lately, no.

[on the way to Las Vegas]

Trent:
They're gonna give daddy the Rain Man suite, you dig that?

Mike:
Do you think we'll get there by midnight?

Trent:
Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!

Mike:
Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!

Trent:
Vegas baby! Vegas!

Mike:
Vegas!

Mike Peters:
I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. Single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley, perhaps, any Glen.