T-Bag's Christmas Turkey

[first lines]

Tabatha Bag:
Oh, the place hasn't changed a bit. Depressing as ever.

T-Shirt:
Looks great to me.

Tabatha Bag:
Yes, well you didn't have to spend the first four hundred years of your life here, did you?

T-Shirt:
I can't wait to meet your mother. Is she anything like you? Or isn't she into biting the heads off live chickens?

Tabatha Bag:
My mother's nothing like me.

T-Shirt:
Things are looking up.

Tabatha Bag:
Leaving home was the best move I ever made.

T-Shirt:
Anybody would think you didn't like living with your mother.

Tabatha Bag:
I felt like Pinocchio stuck in a lift with a wood pecker. Peck, peck, peck.

Mumsy Bag:
Don't forget I'm the mum who had to change your nappies.

T-Shirt:
Mumsie, remember, every mother has to do that.

Mumsy Bag:
Yes, but not for thirty two years.

Mumsy Bag:
I'll drop you a postcard from the Matahorne.

Tabatha Bag:
Better still, drop yourself from the Matahorne.

Old King Wenceslas:
[disguised as a beggar] Show a bit of seasonal cheer lady.

Tabatha Bag:
Oh, bug off, you little rat faced ferret, before I rip out your tongue and whip you black and blue with it.

Old King Wenceslas:
I take that as a no?

Tabatha Bag:
Bug off!

[last lines]

Tabatha Bag:
[picking up a giant Christmas cracker] Shall we?

Mumsy Bag:
Why not? I could do with a laugh.