Tales of the Unexpected

Fred Pearson:
It's him, I know it was him.

Ruth Pearson:
So it was him. What difference does it make?

Fred Pearson:
He made my life hell.

Ruth Pearson:
It was years ago, that was in the Marines.

Fred Pearson:
'Pearson, dirty detail, dirty detail!' He was out to crack me, wouldn't leave me alone. Nothing I could do was right, dirty detail, dirty detail!

Ruth Pearson:
That was the Marines, everybody gets dirty detail in the Marines.

Fred Pearson:
He had it in for me!

Ruth Pearson:
Everybody has it in for you. You lost 5 jobs, your boss had it in for you. The whole world has it in for you.

Fred Pearson:
You don't know what it was like with Guedo. Vietnam my first firefight, the guy standing next to me is shot, I roll him over, his stomach is hanging out, I threw up. Guedo sees that he laughs, he says 'Pearson, clean it up! When we get back you do the latrines, then you do the garbage pit, then you do the body bags!'

Sgt. Guedo:
[shooting pool] Like swatting flies. Just like 'Nam.

Barfly:
Nam? What's Nam?

Sgt. Guedo:
What's 'Nam? Vietnam! 'Nam is Vietnam, buddy, what else?

Barfly:
Big war hero down there.

Sgt. Guedo:
[to the barflies] My men was coming down like this...

Barfly:
Comes in here like he owns the joint, talking about kill this one, kill that one.

Sgt. Guedo:
Real good kid from Montana.

Barfly:
Spews that garbage for three hours.

Sgt. Guedo:
So, we come down here lined up together, on this little perch, and we bushwhack them bushwhackers, ba-nam ba-nam ba-nam! We swat them little sons of... those little suckers like flies.

Sgt. Guedo:
I always told them 'this is a war, this is a mean business, you can't cut it, get back behind your mama's skirts'. Got to be a man I said, not some crybaby. Job's to do some killing, that's what you do, ba-bam ba-bam!

Sgt. Guedo:
I told them 'You're a Marine, this is my rifle, this is my life, a dirty weapon will blow up in your face'. You don't have a clean weapon, you're gonna pay the price to Sergeant Guedo. You're gonna get dirty detail until you puke!

Barfly:
Nice shooting.

Sgt. Guedo:
Thanks, fella.

Barfly:
[turns away, under his breath] Ba-nam ba-nam ba-nam.

Bartender:
Listen, Pearson down there at the end of the bar says he knows you. Says you were in the Marine Corp together. [Guedo looks at him]

Fred Pearson:
How you doing? [Guedo nods and shrugs cluelessly] You know it dawned on me, I was telling Ernie, finally I remembered where it was. 5th Marines, Sergeant Guedo.

Sgt. Guedo:
That's right.

Fred Pearson:
Pearson, Private Pearson, come on you gotta remember. You always said I was the worst recruit you ever had. Must hold the record for the most dirty details, hey, Foul Ball Pearson.

Bartender:
Yeah... yeah! Foul ball Fred! Foul Ball Fred Pearson. [to Ernie] You should've seen this guy, what a mess.

Sgt. Guedo:
[to Ernie] We was in 'Nam together, he was the sloppiest Marine I've ever seen. Always were afraid you were gonna blow up the whole outfit... yeah, I'm beginning to remember now, damn, they shipped you on the psycho unit.

Fred Pearson:
Yeah, my nerves were a little shot from all those dirty details.

Sgt. Guedo:
That's why you got shipped out, you could've got some of the other guys killed. Had to know your weapon, and know how to use it. Well, good to see you Foul Ball.

Fred Pearson:
You caused me to suffer lots, Sarge.

Sgt. Guedo:
Ah that's the Corp, Fred, you know, make or break.

Fred Pearson:
My life's never been the same, knowing that you can't make it, you can't cut it, it hurts, Foul Ball. Your life can really get rotten.

Sgt. Guedo:
That's the past, water over the dam.

Fred Pearson:
How's your life, Sarge? How're you doing these days?

Sgt. Guedo:
Oh well, I've been better, I've been worse, take the bad with the good.

Fred Pearson:
What do you for a living? Dirty work I hope, like all the dirty details you gave me.

Sgt. Guedo:
Uh look, Pearson, why don't you give me the money you owe me and...

Fred Pearson:
Money? You think I brought you here to give you money? No, I owe you something else.

Sgt. Guedo:
What do you want?

Fred Pearson:
I want to see how tough you really are.

Sgt. Guedo:
Punk.

Fred Pearson:
I wouldn't talk like that, not here, Sarge.

Sgt. Guedo:
Still a whining punk.

Fred Pearson:
You have no rank here.

Sgt. Guedo:
Are you nuts or something? Is that thing loaded?

Fred Pearson:
Yeah it's loaded! Remember you used to yell at me all the time to keep it loaded? You taught me well, Sarge, SIT DOWN!

Sgt. Guedo:
[shakes head] You're psycho.

Fred Pearson:
It's not nice to call me names. I'm just trying to be sociable, Sergeant, just want to talk about the old times. You remember the old times, don't you? Sixteen hours in the grease pits, garbage detail, the body bags! Foul Ball Pearson getting the garbage pit! How'd you like to stuff body bags for 16 hours? What's to stop me from putting a bullet through your head, give me one good reason!

Sgt. Guedo:
Pearson...

Fred Pearson:
Start talking Sergeant, give me a reason!

Sgt. Guedo:
That was a long time ago, I didn't mean nothing by it. And see, things are different now.

Fred Pearson:
Not for me! Things are the same, everything's the same day in and day out, dirty detail, dirty detail! I hate you just as much now as I did then, I want to hear you beg, big shot, start begging.

Sgt. Guedo:
I ain't begging for nothing, you gonna shoot me, go ahead and shoot! Maybe you got the guts finally!

Fred Pearson:
Guedo, I don't regret nothing I did.

Sgt. Guedo:
I did what I had to do! You weren't a Marine! You were a sloppy punk!

Fred Pearson:
You're not helping yourself, Sarge.

Sgt. Guedo:
You couldn't march, you couldn't dress, you couldn't shoot! You were a disgrace to the Marine Corp, you miserable coward! [Pearson pulls the trigger]

Detective:
An M-16.

Sgt. Guedo:
Yeah, he was in my outfit in Vietnam.

Detective:
You Vets never learn, do you? These souvenirs are dangerous, they kill! Poor dumb guy.

Sgt. Guedo:
I was his sergeant, I told him to keep his rifle clean, that a dirty rifle would blow up in his face, he wouldn't listen. Tried my best, just would never listen.

Martha:
A husband who only eats soft-boiled eggs is never going to satisfy me.