Teen Angel

Marty DePolo:
What a tangled web we weave, to get a date for Steve... Beauchamp.

Aunt Pam:
Steve, I don't know why you want to sing "Frog Went A-Courtin'" in a British accent at 3am, but cut it out!

Marty DePolo:
I knew he'd leave me one day, but did it have to be for a blonde? It's so typical!... there, I said it.

Marty DePolo:
[to Nia] Even heaven can't compare to you.

Marty DePolo:
[to an angel in the opening sequence] Hey, what'd you die of?

Steve Beauchamp:
No, no, wait a minute. This isn't happening to me.

Marty DePolo:
No, no, it's true, check it out! I've got retractable wings! Come on. Feel it.

Steve Beauchamp:
Nah, a guy doesn't feel another guy's wings, man.

Marty DePolo:
Come on. Get with the times.

Angela:
Oh, Marty, Marty. I've been doing this a long time, Hon. I know what you must be feeling, but don't you worry. The good have nothing to fear.

Marty DePolo:
Uh oh!

God's cousin Rod:
It is only because of your extreme youth that we are considering your admission into Heaven.

Marty DePolo:
All right, tried as a minor!

Marty DePolo:
Hey, I'll visit whenever I can. I get all the Jewish holidays off. [whispers] The boss' son is Jewish.

Marty DePolo:
[tries to hug Steve, but goes right through him] Not solid enough; I gotta eat more bananas.

Marty DePolo:
No way! There really is a Cupid?

God's cousin Rod:
Of course! How do you think Claudia Schiffer ended up with that Copperfield fellow?

Judy Beauchamp:
And Aunt Louise is an angel now, and so's Grandpa Joe.

Marty DePolo:
He must be the 'fall asleep with his hands in his pants' angel.

Judy Beauchamp:
Heaven is a very special place. All your loved ones go there.

Katie Beauchamp:
Even my sea-monkeys?

Judy Beauchamp:
Even your sea-monkeys.

Katie Beauchamp:
So, everything you flush down the toilet goes to heaven.

Judy Beauchamp:
Well, not everything.

Marty DePolo:
Let me do some research here.

[walks down to where Edie and her friend are at their lockers. He snaps his fingers and Edie's friend goes over to her]

Friend:
Edie, would you ever go out with a guy who couldn't sing?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
I was afraid of that. Hey, I could find out a lot of things.

[snaps his fingers again and Edie's friend walks back over to her]

Friend:
Edie, what did you think of Marty DePolo when he was alive?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
I'm not licked yet!

[snaps his fingers again]

Friend:
Edie, what would you think of Marty DePolo if he were alive and he could sing?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
[goes to snap his fingers again but thinks better of it] I give up.

God's cousin Rod:
We'll start things off with a nice gift basket.

Marty DePolo:
Gift basket?

God's cousin Rod:
It's full of goodies to help with your adjustment.

Laurie:
Ooh, turtle wax!

Marty DePolo:
I didn't get a gift basket.

God's cousin Rod:
Marty.

Marty DePolo:
Where's my turtle wax?

God's cousin Rod:
Marty, don't you have someplace else to be?

Marty DePolo:
Not really. [to Laurie] You gonna eat that salami?

God's cousin Rod:
Go help Steve with the talent show!

Kyle:
Hello, Last Boy! Ha ha ha... Hey, I made a pun!

Steve Beauchamp:
That wasn't a pun.

Kyle:
What is it?

Steve Beauchamp:
Er, unprovoked abuse?

Kyle:
Fine by me. I'm outta here. [starts to walk away]

Marty DePolo:
Hey, have a nice trip! [sticks out his foot and Kyle trips over it and goes sprawling across the floor] Now THAT was a pun.

Marty DePolo:
All right, should I help him or shouldn't I? On the one hand, he really wants to do this for himself. On the other hand...

Steve Beauchamp:
[being thrown by Kyle] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Marty DePolo:
...there's that. [He jumps to his feet] Kyle, by the awesome power of Heaven I give you an invisible wedgy. [He pulls at the air and Kyle falls over clutching his bottom]

Jordan Lubell:
Your new locker. [opens it for Steve] Voila, dude.

Steve Beauchamp:
Wow.

Jordan Lubell:
And every night the janitor leaves a little mint on the top shelf.

Coach Fortner:
Beauchamp, are you talking to thin air?

Steve Beauchamp:
Uh...

Coach Fortner:
Whatever floats your boat. [waves to the air] Good-bye, Steve's invisible friend.

Marty DePolo:
Good-bye, Steve's hypertensive coach.

Katie Beauchamp:
Well I have a loose tooth, and I hear the tooth fairy's giving a hundred dollars now.

Judy Beauchamp:
Now, Katie, don't make things up.

Steve Beauchamp:
I made the wrestling team.

Judy Beauchamp:
You, too, Steve, don't make things up.

Aunt Pam:
Oh yeah? You wanna arm wrestle?

Steve Beauchamp:
Oh come on. Well, I'm a guy and you're...

Aunt Pam:
Yeah?

Steve Beauchamp:
You're my aunt.

Katie Beauchamp:
Aunts can lift 17 times their body weight.

Judy Beauchamp:
No, Katie, honey. You're thinking of those pesky ants that steal your food at picnics.

Katie Beauchamp:
Yeah, like Aunt Pam.

God's cousin Rod:
Steve's on the wrestling team but he can't beat his aunt Pam. What's wrong with this picture?

Marty DePolo:
Well the contrast is a little off, and you only seem to be able to get this one channel, but I've got a cousin who could hook you up with a little box that...

God's cousin Rod:
We don't steal cable in Heaven!

Announcer:
Steve Beauchamp. You've just gone from a total unknown to the top ranked wrestler in the district. How did you do it?

Steve Beauchamp:
[takes the mic] Well, I'm afraid I have a confession to make too. I owe all my success to, well, the forces of heaven.

All:
Awww.

Steve Beauchamp:
No, I'm serious. I had a guardian angel on my side.

All:
Awww.

Steve Beauchamp:
No, I'm not kidding. He's right there. [He points to Marty who's motioning to him to shut up. Coach takes the mic from him]

Marty DePolo:
[reading fan mail] Dear Teen Angel, how do I get out those water marks left by soda cans on my coffee table? That's easy. Use your magic powers. Thanks for writing.

Marty DePolo:
[during Grandpa Jerry and Grandma's Italian dinner] O sole mio... my car's a Geo... our busboy Leo... has a bad case of B.O.

Steve Beauchamp:
Don't eat me!

God's cousin Rod:
Why does everyone keep saying that?

Steve Beauchamp:
Thanks, Jessica. Bye. [hangs up] All right! I've got a date with Jessica Fishman!

Marty DePolo:
[who was really on the phone] Oh no! [drops the phone] I have a date with Steve Beauchamp!

Pam:
Oh, honey. Let me give you some advice about dating. Whatever you do, don't listen to me.

Steve Beauchamp:
Thanks, Pam. I'll do that.

Pam:
No, don't do that. That's the point.

Judy Beauchamp:
Heaven is a very special place. All your loved ones go there.

Katie Beauchamp:
Even my sea-monkeys?

Judy Beauchamp:
Even your sea-monkeys.

Katie Beauchamp:
So everything you flush down the toilet goes to heaven.

Judy Beauchamp:
Well, not everything.

Marty DePolo:
Jessica Fishman just said 'Thanks, Steve', to you!

Steve Beauchamp:
This is even better than the time she said 'Hi, Dave' to me!

Marty DePolo:
We'll say it on the count of three at the same time. Okay, 1, 2, 3.

God's cousin Rod:
I love you!

Marty DePolo:
I didn't know you cared.

Katie Beauchamp:
We'll say it on the count of three at the same time.

Steve Beauchamp, Katie Beauchamp:
1, 2, 3.

Steve Beauchamp:
I love you.

Katie Beauchamp:
I didn't know you cared.

Marty DePolo:
I taught her that before I died.

Marty DePolo:
Do you like Yasmine Bleeth?

Grandpa Jerry Beauchamp:
Yeah, I love havin' teeth.

Marty DePolo:
Mr Lincoln, Steve here needs a killer paper on the civil war by tomorrow morning. We thought you could help.

Abraham Lincoln:
You want me to do his homework? That doesn't seem right.

Marty DePolo:
I knew I should have brought back Nixon.

Steve Beauchamp:
Nixon's in Heaven?

Marty DePolo:
He snuck in through the back door.

Steve Beauchamp:
[to Abe] Listen, I'm sorry we bothered you Mr Lincoln. [to Marty] I don't think anybody can help me now.

Abraham Lincoln:
My boy, my advice to you is never give up. I lost almost every election I was in, but I didn't give up. I saw the United States fall nearly under, but I didn't give up. Then I was shot in the head... it's pretty difficult not to give up at that point.

Steve Beauchamp:
Yeah! You're right! I'm not licked yet.

Marty DePolo:
Hey, your speech really inspired him.

Abraham Lincoln:
Hey, I am Lincoln. [he sits down at Steve's desk] Let's get cracking. [He pulls a feather pen out of his jacket and dips it in the glass on Steve's desk]

Steve Beauchamp:
Uh, Mr Lincoln, that's diet coke.

Abraham Lincoln:
Uh huh. [He starts writing]

Abraham Lincoln:
My boy, my advice to you is never give up. I lost almost every election I was in, but I didn't give up. I saw the United States fall nearly under, but I didn't give up. Then I was shot in the head... it's pretty difficult not to give up at that point.

Pam:
Steve, I don't know why you want to sing "Frog Went A-Courtin'" in a British accent at 3am, but cut it out!

Marty DePolo:
There is only one name for guys who date dolls!

Cindy:
KEN!

Marty DePolo:
As soon as I start working my angel magic on you, you're gonna be hanging out with that crowd.

[He points down the hall]

Steve Beauchamp:
What, the janitors?

Marty DePolo:
No! Look, them.

[the group of janitors move aside and we see a group of students that were standing behind them]

Marty DePolo:
Over there. Jordan Lubell and his buds. The cool kids.

Steve Beauchamp:
Sure, they're cool now. But where will they be in 20 years?

Marty DePolo:
Well, let's see.

[Marty snaps his fingers and everyone freezes. Jordan, the cheerleader and the other guy step forward]

Cheerleader:
I'm going to be a supermodel and marry an 80 year old billionaire.

Jordan Lubell:
I'm going to be vice-president of the United States.

Guy:
I'm going to sell shoes to the vice-president of the United States.

Steve Beauchamp:
Wow, they are cool! Except for Shoe Boy.

Jordan Lubell:
[after the test is announced] Man, I had three dates lined up for tonight... and now I have to cancel two.

Marty DePolo:
I'll do my best, God. [turns to leave, but then turns back] You are God, aren't you?

God's cousin Rod:
Well, um, no. I'm God's cousin, Rod. But I got this job on my own merits.

Kyle:
Just thought you should know, you're a dead man.

Marty DePolo:
Duh! Oh, you mean him!

Marty DePolo:
[told he is Steve's new guardian angel] Me? I'm sorry, you're making a big mistake.

God's cousin Rod:
Hey! We don't make mistakes! Well, there was the Bubonic plague... oh, and that awful Chevy Chase show, eww.

Bob:
Hi, I'm Bob Dogman.

Steve Beauchamp:
[whispered] Bob Dogman?

Marty DePolo:
Hey, it was either that, or Fred Buttsniffer.

Bob:
Nice couch!

Judy Beauchamp:
Yeah. But the dog tore it up. We're thinking of having him fixed.

Bob:
[desperately] Oh, he'll be good from now on!

Steve Beauchamp:
You've got class, Bob! [sees Bob in toilet stall] Don't drink out of the toilet!

Marty DePolo:
Can your boyfriend do - THIS? [zaps up flowers]

Sabrina Spellman:
No, but he's on the football team.

Marty DePolo:
Oh. [throws away flowers]

Marty DePolo:
Let me do some research here. [he walks down to where Edie and her friend are at their lockers. He snaps his fingers and Edie's friend goes over to her]

Edie's Friend:
Edie, would you ever go out with a guy who couldn't sing?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
I was afraid of that. Hey, I could find out a lot of things. [snaps his fingers again, and Edie's friend walks back over to her]

Edie's Friend:
Edie, what did you think of Marty DePolo when he was alive?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
I'm not licked yet! [snaps his fingers again]

Edie's Friend:
Edie, what would you think of Marty DePolo if he were alive and he could sing?

Edie:
Gross!

Marty DePolo:
[goes to snap his fingers again but thinks better of it] I give up.

Katie Beauchamp:
[in a deep bass] Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home! Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home. Well I went down Jordan an' a what'd I see, comin' for to carry me home? A band of angels comin' after me, comin' for to carry me home!

Uncle Lou:
You'd better sit down for this - a machine that makes bread!

Marty DePolo:
[trying to look surprised] Wow.

Uncle Lou:
This is a special occasion. I'm going to put on pants!

Marty DePolo:
You do that!

Marty DePolo:
Oh, yeah! I remember her! She stopped me from swallowing that themometer! She said if I kept eating dangerous things, I'd die!... Wait a minute!

Uncle Lou:
[to Marty] Sneeze all you want. This place is covered in plastic.

Marty DePolo:
[about Steve and Jordan's new friendship] I knew he'd leave me one day, but did it have to be for a blond? It's so typical!... there, I said it.

Steve Beauchamp:
I think this friendship with Jordan is going to kill me!

Marty DePolo:
And you can be HIS wacky guardian angel!

Grandma:
You haven't been seeing any other women, have you?

Grandpa Jerry Beauchamp:
No.

Grandma:
Any other men?

Marty DePolo:
[serenading Grandpa and Grandma] O sole mio, my car's a Geo, our busboy Leo, has a bad case of B-O.

Coach Fortner:
Stop the match! [the ref pulls Vin off Steve] I have a shocking announcement. In my hand I hold a yearbook. [the audience gasps] I haven't gotten to the shocking part yet! What is wrong with you people?... This year book is five years old and- [they gasp again. Coach makes sounds of frustration]... and it has a picture of Vin the Pin Williams. He graduated already, he's a ringer. [silence] Now you can gasp! [They gasp. He points to Vin] You, disqualified. [Goes to Steve] You, the winner!

Marty DePolo:
You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!

Steve Beauchamp:
Shut up!