Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

KG:
Gimme a powerslide. Full throttle.

JB:
sssshhhhh... [Hissing while performing a horrible powerslide]

KG:
How did that feel?

JB:
Really good. How did it look?

KG:
Amazing... ly bad.

JB:
[Begins to vocalize. The microphone lights on fire and he knocks it over]

JB:
I do not need...

KG:
He does not need.

JB:
A microphone...

KG:
A microphone.

JB:
My voice is f***ing...

KG:
F***ing.

JB:
Powerful!

JB:
[Begins to sing to crowd and moves hand in a slow passing motion. A powerful wind comes from his hands]

JB:
[Begins to vocalize again and the man's head he is looking at explodes. He apologizes]

JB:
I did not mean...

KG:
He did not mean.

JB:
To blow your mind...

KG:
To blow your mind

JB:
But that sh*t happens to me... all the time!

JB:
What's it gonna be Kyle? You have to decide... Tits... or Destiny.

KG:
[Lifting up his shirt] Tits.

KG:
Cock, use the cock.

JB:
Holy F***alukadingdong

JB:
Kyle's fingers be silver.

KG:
Jack's voice then be gold.

JB, KG:
But lest you think we're vain.

JB:
We know you're all robots and we don't care! Tenacious D! We reign! Supreme, Oh, God! Burrito supreme, and a chicken supreme, and a cutlass supreme.

Open Mic Host:
We've got one spot left. You guys got any new material?

JB:
What we got's gonna turn your brain into sh*t.

JB:
[referring to tenac] I looked it up in the dictionary... it wasn't in there.

JB:
[narrating in song] A long-ass f***in' time ago in a town called Kickapoo / There lived a humble family religious through and through / But yea there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do / His name was young JB and he refused to step in line / A vision he did see of f***ing rocking all the time / He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align...

[young JB enters playing a guitar]

Lil' JB:
[singing] Oh, the dragon's balls were blazin' as I stepped into his cave / Then I sliced his f***ing cockles with my long and shiny blade / 'Twas I who f***ed the dragon, f***alye sing f***aloo / And if you try to f*** with me then I shall f*** you too / Gotta get it on in the party zone / I gotsta shoot a load in party zone / Gotta lick a toad in the party zone / Gotta suck a choad in the party zone!

[Jack's father takes him to his room and spanks him with his belt. A guitar riff is heard starting]

Jack's Father:
[singing] You disobeyed my orders son, why were you ever born? / Your brother's ten times better than you, Jesus loves him more / This music that you've played for us comes from the depths of Hell / Rock 'n' roll's the Devil's work, he wants you to rebel.

[begins to tear down JB's rock 'n' roll posters]

Jack's Father:
You'll become a mindless puppet! Beelzebub will pull the strings! / Your heart will lose direction and chaos it will bring / You better shut your mouth, you better watch your tone / You're grounded for a week with no telephone / Don't let me hear ya cry, don't let me hear ya moan / You gotta praise the Lord when you're in my home!

[Dad storms out, leaving only one poster:
Ronnie James Dio]

Lil' JB:
[singing to the poster] Dio, can you hear me? I am lost and so alone / I'm asking for your guidance, won't you come down from your throne? / I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock / My father thinks you're evil, but, man, he can suck a cock / Rock is not the Devil's work, it's magical and rad / I'll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad.

[the poster comes to life]

Ronnie James Dio:
[singing] I hear you brave young Jables, you are hungry for the rock / But to learn the ancient methods, secret doors you must unlock / Escape your father's clutches in this oppressive neighborhood / On a journey you must go to find the land of Hollywood / In the City of Fallen Angels, where the ocean meets the sand / You will form a strong alliance and the world's most awesome band / To find your fame and fortune, through the valley you must walk / You will face your inner demons, now go my son and ROCK!

[JB jumps out the window and runs away from home]

JB:
[narrating in song] So he bailed from f***ing Kickapoo with hunger in his heart / And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art / But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart / Rock! / Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock / Rah-ha-ha-ha-ha...

[babbles]

JB:
Rock!

Girl #2:
Excuse me, are you gonna charge us for all the refills?

Truck Stop Waitress:
[sarcastically] No, you're so pretty you'll get everything for free.

KG:
That's a pretty good deal.

Open Mic Host:
[comforting Tenacious D] You guys, having some satanic guitar pick isn't gonna make your rock any better... because Satan's not in a guitar pick, he's inside all of us. In here [taps their chests] in your hearts. He's what makes us not want to go to work, or exercise, or tell the truth. He's what makes us want to party and have sex with each other all night long. He's that little voice in your mind that says "F*** you" to the people you hate. Now you can stay out here and fight on the ground and cry like babies, or you can go in there like friends and rock. So, what's it gonna be?

KG:
[determined] Let's go in there and show'em what Tenacious D is all about.

JB:
Yeah. I already got a guitar pick anyways. [holds up KG's pick]

JB:
POWERSLIDE!

KG:
[JB's first rocklesson] Lesson 1: the powerslide [turns on a video showing Pete Townshend performing a powerslide on stage] [turns it of again]

JB:
Hm... It's just sliding on your knees.

KG:
Is it? Or is it the single most powerful stage-move in any rocker's arsenal?

JB:
I've had this birth mark since I was born!

KG:
I have an ass-mark too!

JB:
[holding Satan's broken horn, casting a spell at him] From whence you came / you shall remain / until you are / complete again!

Jack's Father:
[JB see's his father in the "faces" of the Gig-simulator's crowd] You're nothing but a mistake. I should have worn a condom.

JB:
[looks out the window and sees a hot babe] WOW, check out that superfox.

KG:
You think you can handle a woman like that?

JB:
I think so.

KG:
Well, you better know so. Cause there's gonna be then times hotter once backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.

JB:
Really?

KG:
[nods his head] Sex is a crucial component to the Kyle Gass Project. Now drop and give me one cock push-up.

JB:
What's a cock push-up?

KG:
[Repeats JB like he is supposed to know what it means] What's a cock push-up? A cock push-up my friend, is when you lay on your stomach, and lift yourself of the ground with nothing but your boner.

JB:
No problem.

KG:
The cock is a muscle, you gotta learn how to flex it. From now on I want you to do one cock push-up a day, everyday.

JB:
It hurts my cock.

KG:
Keep at it, you never know when you'll need to f*** your way out of a tight situation.

JB:
I told you, we're just two f***in' business men on our way to see some sh*t in Sacramento!

The Stranger:
I'm going to slice out your eyes, and your balls. And then I am going to stick your eyes in your ball sacks. And then I will take your balls, and I will put them in your eyeholes!

Satan:
I AM COMPLETE!

KG, JB:
FUUUUCKK!

Satan:
[singing] Yes you are f***ed/Sh*t out of luck./Now I'm complete and my cock you will suck. This world shall be mine/ and you're first in line/You brought me the pick and now you shall both die!

JB:
[singing] WAIT, Wait, wait, you motherf***er! We chalenge you to a rock-off! Give us one chance to rock your socks off!

Satan:
F***! F***! F***! The demon code prevents me, from declining the rock off challenge. What are your terms? Whats the catch?

JB:
[singing] If we win you must take your sorry ass back to hell, and also you will have to pay our rent!

Satan:
And what if i win?

JB:
Then you can take Kage back to hell...

KG:
What?

JB:
Trust me, Kage. It's the only way!

KG:
What are you talking about?

JB:
To be your little b*tch!

Satan:
Fine! Let the rock off begin!

[laughs manically]

Lee:
[after the first show] That was amazing, you guys changed people's lives tonight.

KG:
I know, it was so awesome dude.

JB:
Yeah, it was awesome, compared to bullshit!

KG:
Go ahead and sleep on the power couch. Your training begins tomorrow, at the crack of noon.

[first lines]

JB:
Ready, Kage?

KG:
Ready.

JB:
Let's do this. Fatty.

[last lines]

JB:
Do not make a sound unless it's a masterpiece. Not a f***in' sound.

KG:
[farts] Thought I felt something.

JB:
Let's hear that back.

Open Mic Host:
Since the beginning of time 'twas written in the stones that one day a band would come. Well that band has come and now they are here to cum again in your ear pussies.

JB:
This place is kinda... [chewing mushroom] Juicy.

JB:
Now our masterpiece will never happen because we won't be fueled by Satan!

JB:
What do you want, 'Non-Rocker'? This line is reserved for 'Rockers Only', so I can't really talk to you right now!

KG:
Go score me a dime-bag.

JB:
A what?

KG:
Ten dollars worth of weed. Now listen: Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo. Tell him you want the Bob Marley Extra Crispy. He'll know what you're talkin' about.

JB:
All right dude, roger that. One Extra Crispy comin' up!

[hangs up phone]

JB:
Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's f***ing insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, more precious than a diamond on a platinum chain!

JB, KG:
In Venice Beach, there was a man named Kage When he was buskin he was all the rage. He met Jables and he taught him well, all the techniques that were developed in hell. Cock pushups and the power slide, gig simulation now theres nowhere to hide. They formed a band they named Tenacious D, and then they got the Pick of Destiny.

JB:
Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child. You know I will be rockin' cause it's f***ing insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, our tasty grooves are better than a chicken chow mein!

JB, KG:
Cause he who is sleazy, is easy to pleasy. And she who is juicy, must be loosy-goosey. And he who is groovy, will be in my movie, so come on!

JB:
The wizard and the demon had a battle royale, the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow, but then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said "OW"

JB, KG:
Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's f***ing insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know our movie's better than Citizen Kane!

JB:
Cause he who's a geezer, must live in my freezer. And she who is starkey, is full of mularkey. And he who is groovy, must be in my movie, so come on! Oh! Cause if you're a diva, then go to Geneva. And if you're a crony, then suck on my bony. And if you are groovy, then get in my movie! It's called the Pick of Destiny! The Pick of Destiny.

Truck Stop Waitress:
What'll you have?

KG:
What do you recommend?

Truck Stop Waitress:
I recommend you order some food.

KG:
I'll have the fried chicken. And the steak... and the chicken-fried steak.

Lee:
Whoa! You guys putting on a concert? Can I watch?

KG:
Half off the pie?

Lee:
Dealio!

KG:
[voicemail] Hey, you've reached KG. You know what to do.

KG:
Welcome to the gig simulator, after this your training is complete, you will be ready to audition for the KGP.

JB:
The what?

KG:
The Kyle Gass Project.

JB:
Oh, right, right.

KG:
Dude, I've got some smoking hot babes, and they want us to play a gig!

JB:
No, I've just had the weirdest conversation of my life in there. [points to the bathroom]

KG:
Let the simulation begin! [shines lights in JB's face]

JB:
Okay, should I just sing a song? [KG presses tape recorder]

Tape recorder:
Hey, sing something, douche bag!

The Stranger:
I miss that sweet ass leg of mine!

[after Classico]

Lee:
Duuuuude, You guys are like... Electric Dynamite!

Satan:
Ow, F***! My f***ing horn!

(Opening verse)

Narrator:
(Jack Black) (A long-ass f***ing time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family, religious through and through, but lo! there was a black sheep, who knew just what to do - His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line; a vision he could see of; f***ing rockin' all the time - he rode a tasty jam and all the planets did align!)

[Jables meets Kyle]

Jables:
Yeah! Yeah! Dude, that was like, the best thing I have ever seen! Who are you?

Kyle:
The name's Kyle Gass.

Jables:
Kyle Gass!!!! Dude, would you just teach me that one note where you were like -

Kyle:
Dude, I'm not giving freakin' guitar lessons here today. Why don't you just stand over there?

Jables:
Right over here? Yeah, dude you're awesome!

[Jables is confronted by Clockwork Orange thugs]

Thug 1:
Why, what do we have here, my little snowballs?

Thug 2:
I spy a stinkin' filthy babes! Snivelling poo-hoo-hooo, like a wee baby! Heh heh heh!

Thug 3:
Actually, he does look like a f***in' baby. [Thug 1 punches him with cane] Aw, aw, wee baby.

Jables:
Listen fellas, I don't want a fight, so if you'd just - [Thugs poke him on the nose and lift him off his feet] Aaaaahhhhh!

[Kyle just happens to be walking by and sees the commotion. He sees a thug hold something small into the air]

Jables:
Hey give that back, that's my special guitar pick!

[Kyle realizes it is his pick that the thug is holding]

[KG has gone off to chat with some extremely underage teen girls]

Jables:
F***ing dick-squeezer!

[A strange-looking tramp dressed in a long dark coat, carrying a crutch, limps up to Jables and sits down dramatically and painfully in the chair next to him, knocking over a glass as he does so. Jables looks weirdly at him]

The Stranger:
Hi.

Jables:
Hi...

The Stranger:
So... [swipes at a fly] What brings you to this neck of the woods?

Jables:
What?

The Stranger:
Let's just say... you don't seem like "rock 'n roll" types to me.

Jables:
Well, we're not, we're just two businessmen going to see some sh*t in Sacramento, sorry.

The Stranger:
Yes... yes. It's just... I couldn't help noticing... the guitars... in the back of your car. [Steals leafleft about Rock 'n Roll Museum when Jables turns his head]

Jables:
Sorry, we're not, we're just businessmen, we sell guitars, so what, end of story, check please!

The Stranger:
[Examines leaflet, Jables has scrawled Break in here on it] So... how are you planning... on breaking into the Rock 'n Roll History Museum?

[Jables falls painfully into the air shaft]

Jables:
Damn, that was all KG's fault! If he'd been here we wouldn't have messed up we would've got in nice and quiet. But now he's going to come back and be like "Can I be in your band now?" and I'll be like "No way cockshagger."

KG:
It's KG can you hear me?

Jables:
Yea, yea I can hear you loud and clear. You're saying bros before hos, but that's now what I wrote, a**hole!

KG:
I'm here

Jables:
[notices a guard walking in the room right underneath him] Listen, I can't really talk right now shut up!

KG:
I'm in the air-vent, dude.

[they both look at each other in an awkward moment]

KG:
Dude, I totally missed you.

Jables:
Me too.

[the floor beneath them suddenly gives way and the air-vent crashes down onto the floor of the museum. With them in it]

[At their first concert]

Jables:
So whassup, we're Tenacious D, and this is like our first concert ever, so it's pretty historical!

The Stranger:
I had it, the Pick of Destiny, I had it clutched in my fingers. But then I tripped, set off a laser, a security door came down on my leg. I would break in again, if I still had my leg. Ooh man, ooh, I do miss that sweet-ass leg of mine.

Jables:
Why're you telling me this?

The Stranger:
Because I like you! I see that sparkle in your eye which I once had. Here, let me show you something. (Slides paper under toilet door) This will help you, I promise you. These two air ducts on the roof. Speak of this to no-one!

[The Mic Host sighs, picks up the Pick of Destiny. His eyes gleam with delight as he looks eerily round before revealing his true form as Satan.]

Jables:
Dude, I figured out, we can still use the Pick - I use it in one hand and you can use it in the other, its still compatible - Whaaa? Where is that Pick?

[both look up and see a gigantic fiery Satan resplendent in his evil glory]

Jables and KG:
[jumping in fear] Ah!

[Satan reattaches the Pick and returns to full power]

Satan:
[singing]] I am complete! Yes you are f***ed, sh*t out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!

[luckily, JB jumps in]

JB:
Waaait! Waaait! Waaaait you motherf***er! We challenge you, to play a rock-off challenge! [Satan sighs] Yeah, that's one chance you have to rock your socks off...

[silence]

Satan:
F***! F***! F***! The Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge, quick, name your terms, what's the caaa-aatch?

Jables:
If we win, you must take, your sorry ass back to Hell. And you will have to pay our reee-eee-eent.

Satan:
And if I win?

Jables:
[not thinking straight] Then you can take Kage back to Hell.

Kage:
What?

Jables:
Trust me Kage, its the only way.

Kage:
But what are you talking about?

Jables:
To be your love b*tch!

Satan:
Fine! Fine! Let the rock off, begin! Mwahahahaha! [hardcore rock] I'm the Devil I love metal! Check this lick its f***ing tasty, mwahaha! I'm the Devil I can do what I want, I can rock my ass in this flaunt, there's never been a rock off I've ever lost! I can't wait to take Kage back to Hell, I'm going to lick him with my hot demon gel, I'm going to squeal him like my scarlett pimpernel!

[Satan shows torture and sex instruments causing JB to yell no!]

JB:
NO! Ok Kage, let's fight his music, with our music.

Kage:
There's just no way we can win, that was a masterpiece.

JB:
Listen to me!

Kage:
He rocks so hard because he is not a mortal man!

JB:
Goddamnit Kage! He's going to make you his sex slave! You're gonna gurgle mayonnaise!

Kage:
Ohhh!

JB:
Unless we bust this massive mammojam!

Kage:
But JB, we've been through so much sh*t.

JB:
Deactivating lasers with my dick. Now it's time to blow this f***er down. Come on Kage, now it's time to blow doors down!

Kage:
I hear you Jables now its time to blow doors down!

JB:
Line up the stage cos its time for the showdown, but then we get to take this around town! Now we get to blow this f***er down! Come on Kage he's gonna get you if you don't blow this f***er down! We know your secret, your rock is faulty! Your rock can't hurt us or blow our minds, we're gonna defeat you, for all mankind, you hold the Sceptre, you hold the Key, you are the Devil, we are the D! We are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D!

[music ends]

Satan:
You guys are f***ing lame! Come on Kage you're coming with me!!

[Jables and Kyle're being chased by cops in a chase Kyle started]

Jables & KG:
[singing] Car Chase City, that's the name of the game, it was all groovy, now it's totally lame! KG really f***ing, blew a synapse, Now we're f***ing headed for a total collapse! Car Chase City, run away from the Fuzz! Thought that we wasn't but we totally was! Car Chase City, now we're off the map! Car Chase City, Now I'm takin' a crap! Now it's getting hairy, so we're changing the key Never underestimate, the power of the D! KG f***ing put his foot on the gas If we go to prison, shove the Pick up my ass! F*** this sh*t, it's gone too far! KG pull over let me out of the car, Car Chase City, now we're taking the lane! KG blew it, now we're going insane!!!! Let's rock, let's roll, let me fill up your hole, Let's rock, let's roll, Car Chase City patrol! Picks, speed, turbo, oh, argh, gas, brakes, Spinning donuts, so spinning donuts, roll, flip it, gas, nitro, go!

No go my son, and rock....

(Opening verse)

Narrator:
(Jack Black) (A long-ass f***ing time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family, religious through and through, but yeah, there was a black sheep, and he knew just what to do - His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line; a vision he could see of; f***ing rockin' all the time - he wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align!)

Jables:
Are you ready to write a f***ing master piece cause I sure the f*** am!

Jables:
Oh the dragons balls were blazing as I stepped into its cave and I sliced his f***ing cockles with a long and shiny blade twas I who f***ed the dragon f***-a-lye sing f***-a-loo and if you try to f*** with me then I shall f*** you too!

Jables:
Yeah it was awesome, compared to bullshit! Compared to the greats! Compared with f***ing Beethoven!

Jables:
Not a word unless its a f***ing masterpiece!!!

Jables:
I totally miss the f***ed up things you do.

Kage:
I was just following the code.

Kage:
Give me one cock pushup. The cock is a muscle. You've got to learn how to flex it.

Kage:
Uh, we're just regular guys, you know. We're just, flesh, and bone.

Kage:
I'm in the air-vent, dude. Dude, I totally missed you.

Kage:
When you can snatch this remote from my hand, then you can choose the channels we watch.

Kage:
That's right, run! Unless you want some more of this! Yeah! Grrr!

Store Clerk:
You two bozos don't even realize, you've just stumbled upon the darkest secret in the history of rock. I actually saw it once, I used to be a guitar tech, and the lead guitarist comes on, holding this weird looking thing, with horns on, made of green ivory or some sh*t. He starts shredding licks way beyond his capabilities. Like sh*t it had to be coming from somewhere else. It was the Pick, it wasn't him. He didn't know what he had, though. So at the end of the show he just flicks it back into the audience. Some kid catches it. Kid named Eddie van Halen. So I started researching it. I quit my job, moved to Rome, learned Latin. I came to the trust of the senior librarian at the Vatican, he called himself Signore Papadillo - He led me into some sh*t you wouldn't believe. You see this: It's an ancient scroll, all in Latin. I translated it. Took me six years. Turns out this thing goes deeper than you can imagine. Way deeper. Back to the Dark ages. See this: Long ago, a dark wizard used his power to conjure up Satan himself! Satanos - That's Latin for Satan. A horrific battle of violence ensued, but the ancient demon was far too powerful. Luckily, a blacksmith heard the Beast's roars. The Devil was drawn back into the fires of Hell, and the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive. With a long draw of his hash pipe, the wizard sought a way to repay the blacksmith. The blacksmith loved a fair maiden, but in order to gain her affection, he would need a true master's skill to leave her moist and wanting. The dark wizard fashioned the demon's tooth into a pick, enabling the blacksmith to play the most masterful of melodies on his lute - Thereby winning the heart of the maiden he loved. The secret of the Pick died with that blacksmith, but then, poof, all of a sudden, it reappears back in the American South, at the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson's fingers, and spawns the birth of the blues, and rock 'n roll. The Pick is a tiny part of the Beast, and so it has supranatural qualities, a whole other level above super.

Satan:
I am complete! Yes you are f***ed, sh*t out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!

Satan:
F***! F***! F***, the Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge... What, are your terms, what's the ca-aatch??

Satan:
I'm the Devil, I love metal! Check this riff it's f***in' tasty!!!!

Satan:
I can't wait to take Kage back to Hell! I'm gonna fill him with my hot demon gel, - I'll make him squeel like my scarlet pimpernell!