Thank God You're Here

Ensemble Cast:
[as a pirate] What happened to your hand?

Peter Rowsthorn:
[holding up his hook hand]... Fell off.

Roman Emperor:
And now, Maximillius, there is someone who I know you have been looking forward to seeing once again. [claps hands] Bring her forth! [pregnant woman enters]

Pregnant Roman Woman:
Maximillius, sire, it has been a long time.

Frank Woodley:
About eight months, three weeks, by the look of it!

Roman Emperor:
Go on, don't be bashful. I want you to greet her in the customary fashion.

Frank Woodley:
[walks up to pregnant woman and squeezes her breasts]

Roman Emperor:
You must really have missed your sister a lot!

TV Network Executive:
Now, you're all going to need to have a police check done, of course, because you'll be working with children. Now...

Frank Woodley:
Right! [drops prop, walks through the blue door and continues walking until he disappears completely off-stage - he isn't going to get his police check done; he means that he's not prepared to have one done and is walking out of the scene altogether!]

Ensemble Cast:
These products are all good, as the slogan says...

Fifi Box:
If you can do it, you can!

Himself - Host:
Frank, how are you feeling?

Frank Woodley:
I'm feeling... I'm feeling... I'm feeling... good! Not cocky, but just feeling, well actually you know what? I'm feeling like I'm a spider of entertainment. That's because I'm going to weave a web of comedy from stuff I just pull out of my bum.

Frank Woodley:
Does yours hurt as much as mine?

Ensemble Cast:
A little bit.

Frank Woodley:
It's like agh! [hits metal on chest] Far out! They could make them out of mink! It wouldn't be so good in the battles of course. But in this bit, [hits metal on chest] the mink would be better. In the battle, agh, agh! You're dead!

Ensemble Cast:
We're going to have to do a police check because you're going to be working with children.

Frank Woodley:
Right. [drops his big toothbrush and walks out the door]

Female Kids TV Show Co-Host:
[into camera] Hello girls and boys! My name is Tina... [turns to Shaun for him to introduce himself]

Shaun Micallef:
[pause] Yes. Yes it is. I can vouch for that.

Female Kids TV Show Co-Host:
[to Shaun, prompting] And what's YOUR name?

Shaun Micallef:
[pause] It's also Tina, as it happens.

Ensemble Cast:
Tina, what's the letter of the week?

Shaun Micallef:
The letter of the week is from Alfred Gurnes.

Ensemble Cast:
Goodbye to all our friends today, we've had so much fun and so much gay

Shaun Micallef:
-ness, that is a lifestyle choice, so whether you're a girl or whether you are boys, come again tomorrow wont you, I... crave.

Ensemble Cast:
It's our friend from the French resistance.

Matthew Newton:
Hubba hubba!

Frank Woodley:
[after attempting to kiss Ed Kavalee] I was ten years in a cave!

Glenn Robbins:
It slices, it dices. But wait there's more. It also works as a... Ken?

Frank Woodley:
Killing thing.

Glenn Robbins:
So when you're attacking by the enemy, don't stab him, slice him and dice him, pop him in the freezer and have him a bit later on.

Glenn Robbins:
Let's just say, she's not great at coming up with ideas. She's much better; Ken and I think you'll agree when I say this, at making love.

Ensemble Cast:
Ken the non-conqueror, but Ken the wise, tell me, some say the earth is round.

Frank Woodley:
Ha!

Ensemble Cast:
Some say the earth is flat. But you say it is neither. Why?

Frank Woodley:
Well, I've got a hunch. Because I think it's like a big skateboard ramp and you head off up into the nothingness, do a bit of a trick and come back. That didn't make any sense, lets get into the raping!

Glenn Robbins:
He's not great with the ideas!

Ensemble Cast:
Enough! We only have time to pray now. And we must pray to mighty Thor, mighty Oden, please I ask of thee. Give me wisdom.

Ensemble Cast:
I ask of thee strength. [points at Glenn]

Glenn Robbins:
I ask of thee...

Akmal Saleh:
He's not great with ideas either!

Alan Brough:
I wanted to get some perspective.

Ensemble Cast:
On board a yacht?

Alan Brough:
Lots of perspective.