That's My Bush!

Karl Rove:
The head of the Anti-Abortion group is here, and I hear he's sort of a freak.

George W. Bush:
What kind of a freak?

Karl Rove:
Well, apparently he was aborted 30 years ago, but survived. He is bitter, he is angry, and he hates being cancelled on.

Laura Bush:
Let's go before you say something stupid.

George W. Bush:
Oh Laura, one of these days, I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Karl Rove:
Republicans are not supposed to ban guns!

George W. Bush:
Tonight, a murder will take place. Mine!

Princess Stevenson:
Did I do it?

Maggie Hawley:
Mrs. Bush, you look like a hooker.

Karl Rove:
What are you doing?

George W. Bush:
What does it look like? We're putting the cat to sleep.

Karl Rove:
Why are you doing it with that douche?

George W. Bush:
Larry's the only one who would help me.

Larry O'Shea:
Hey, George, can I barrow your amotta?

George W. Bush:
What's amotta?

Larry O'Shea:
Nothing, Pizano, what's amotta with you?

Larry O'Shea:
Hey, George, it's your favorite neighbor! Say, you got some snoo on your lawn.

George W. Bush:
What's snoo, Larry?

Larry O'Shea:
Nothing, what *snoo* with you?

George W. Bush:
What's a Hindu?

Larry O'Shea:
It lays eggs.

George W. Bush:
Karl thinks I should put my cat to sleep and I don't know how to tell Laura about it.

Larry O'Shea:
Oh, Mr. Republican Conservative Tightass here suddenly believes in assistant death.

Karl Rove:
What the hell are you talking about?

Larry O'Shea:
You're a hippicrit. It was you Republicans that put Jack Kevorkian in jail.

Karl Rove:
Oh please, that is totally different, Jack Kevorkian puts people to sleep.

George W. Bush:
Who's Jack Kevorkian?

Larry O'Shea:
The doctor who helped people with terminal diseases committ suicide. He helped dozens of people who were in horrible pain and what did you do? You conservatives threw his ass in jail.

George W. Bush:
We did?

Larry O'Shea:
If you think it's humane to put an old and sick cat to sleep, then why is it illegal to do it for humans?

George W. Bush:
Yeah, how come, Karl?

Karl Rove:
Because only human beings have a soul, Mr. President.

George W. Bush:
Because only human beings have a soul, Larry.

Larry O'Shea:
Not according to a Hendu.

George W. Bush:
What's a Hendu?

Larry O'Shea:
Lays eggs. Look, George, you need to take a cold, hard look at your stance on euthenasia.

George W. Bush:
Huh! I don't care about them. They're conformous and they're communist.

Karl Rove:
Who?

George W. Bush:
The youth-in-Asia. Come on, you know, Chinese, Japanese, Dirty-Knees, Look-at-these.

George W. Bush:
I know lot's about euthanasia. The Chinese, Japanese, dirty-knees, look-at-these.

Karl Rove:
Thank you for getting me that date, Mrs. Bush, now all I have to do is figure out how to tell my wife.

Larry O'Shea:
Hey George, come over and see my mattayou.

George W. Bush:
What's a mattayou?

Larry O'Shea:
Nothing, Pizano, what's a mattayou?

George W. Bush:
Plus, all public TV characters have turned gay, Laura.

Laura Bush:
That's not true! There, you can watch Lemmywinks.

[On TV]

Lemmywinks The Squirrel:
Boy, I wish I had a big mouth full of nuts!

George W. Bush:
Oh, not you too, Lemmywinks!

George W. Bush:
Maggie, don't you have laundry to do?

Maggie Hawley:
Oh that's right, I can do what your father did and separate the whites from the coloreds.

Larry O'Shea:
Hey George, there's a Stardu on your fron' porch.

Drug Offender:
What's a Stardu? It twinkles. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Larry O'Shea:
Why you goddam little smart ass!

George W. Bush:
[Charlton Heston has gotten belligerent over gun control] Princess! Will you send in the Secret Service to escort Mr. Heston out?

Secret Service Bobby #2:
[In a cheesy British accent] What's all this then?

Charlton Heston:
All right, I'm going, but I'm not leaving empty handed! I'm taking one of these magazines with me!

George W. Bush:
You'll see! America'll be a lot better off without guns!

Secret Service Bobby #2:
Come along, you! And leave the President's belongings! [Tries to take the magazine away]

Charlton Heston:
Let my "People" go!

Charlton Heston:
Damn it, George, you just don't get it! Guns don't kill people.

George W. Bush:
They don't?

Charlton Heston:
No! BULLETS do! Guns just get 'em going reeally, really fast!

Laura Bush:
I want you to spread me out on that massive table right under that big picture of Mr. Lincoln and pound me like a wack-a-mole!

George W. Bush:
[shouts] Guard Bear! Get off the table!

George W. Bush:
Crazy like an armored fox!

Karl Rove:
The head of pro-life is on his way here, and from what I heard, he's a freak.

President George Walker Bush:
What kind of a freak?

Karl Rove:
Well, apparently he was aborted 30 years ago, but managed to survive. And now he is bitter, he is angry, and he hates to be cancelled on.

Larry O'Shea:
Hey, George, it's your favorite neighbor! Say, you got some snoo on your lawn.

President George Walker Bush:
What's snoo, Larry?

Larry O'Shea:
Nothing, what *snoo* with you?

President George Walker Bush:
Maggie, don't you have laundry to do?

Maggie Hawley:
Oh that's right, I can do what your father did and separate the whites from the coloreds.

First Lady Laura Bush:
I want you to spread me out on that massive table right under that big picture of Mr. Lincoln and pound me like a wack-a-mole!

George W. Bush:
[in his office making a speech live reading a teleprompter] My fellow Americans, this week I plan to unite our country and bring both sides of the abortion issue together. In a historic summit. Abortion is a very serious, personal issue. And let me assure all of you that tonight you promised to have dinner with Laura. [everyone sees that phrase on the teleprompter] I mean. Let me assure you all that I'll do my best. Good night. [leaves the office and goes to Laura] Laura, you have to stop putting reminder messages to me in the teleprompter.

Laura Bush:
I just don't want you to forget our dinner plans. And you don't have time to talk to me.

George W. Bush:
I'm talkin' to you now.

Laura Bush:
All right, fine. I was thinking...

Princess Stevenson:
[Princess runs up to George] Mr. President, Mr. President? Mr. President. I was reviewing your scheduele on my palm pilot and realized that you only have 10 minutes to save the Earth from the Zinthians.

George W. Bush:
That's not a palm pilot, Princess. That's a Gameboy.

Princess Stevenson:
Then what's this? [holds out her other hand]

George W. Bush:
That's a cheeseburger. Come on, Princess. Let's have another review session. [leaves the room with her]

Karl Rove:
Remember when I told you that this guy was aborted 30 years ago and he was a freak? Well, I should have widdled my fingers and trilled my R and said "frrrrreak"! He never even developed. He's survived eating ants... and mice. Oh boy!

George W. Bush:
What do you mean? He's kinda like a midget?

Karl Rove:
Worse than a midget!

George W. Bush:
WORSE THAN A MIDGET?

Charlton Heston:
Guns don't kill people, bullets kill people. Guns just make them go very fast!

Voice Over:
'Teach Me Mr.B' is filmed in front of a live studio audience.