That's What I Am

Andy Nichol:
Why would God do that, mom? Make someone look like Big G? So that everyone makes fun of him?

Sherri Nichol:
Maybe because God didn't see anything wrong with him in the first place. And Andy... His name is Stanley.

Mr. Simon:
I find your writing... fascinating. You're a keen observer with a colorful perspective. In fact, underneath the poor grammar and the atrocious spelling, I believe there lies the heart and soul of a great writer.

Norman Grunmeyer:
If I had Big G's body, I'd have kicked Freel's ass! Then I'd have kicked Ricky Brown's ass just to cool down.

Mr. Clear:
You know, it's funny, I... I've been watching you deliver your papers there and, uh... You've got a hell of an arm, by the way, kid.

Andy Nichol:
Thank you.

Mr. Clear:
But somehow you just seem to hit everybody's porch but mine. You got any theories on that?

Norman Grunmeyer:
Don't you ever watch cop show? You have the right to remain silent?

Norman Grunmeyer:
Oh... my... God! Why not just buy a gun and let Ricky Brown shoot you in the eye?

Andy Nichol:
Besides, maybe he can really sing.

Norman Grunmeyer:
Yeah, sure. And maybe they'll vote me king of the prom.

Narrator:
She turned what might have been a scarring boyhood memory into the sweetest of recollections, and for that I would always be grateful.

Ed Freel:
I'll go to the papers if I have to.

[first lines]

Narrator:
It has often been said that children are cruel. So goes the tale of Big G.

Mr. Simon:
[reading to the class from Joan of Arc] Joan looked at the generals and said, my business is not with you. You have not craved the counsel of war. Then she turned toward the kings Privy Counsel and continued. No, it is with you, a counsel of war. It is amazing. Counsels of war have no value, but to decided between two or several doubtful courses. But a counsel of war when there is only one course?

Narrator:
Big G had head of flaming red... no, make that orange, hair. The G stood for Ginger, and derogatory term for red heads. Big G was easily a foot taller than anyone else in the school. Even so, his head was still too big for his body, and his ears too big for his head. One might think in order to compensate, Big G might have been blessed with a handsome face. After all, Clark Gable had big ears, Lucile Ball had orange hair, and yet for them there was compensation. Not so for Big G. Did I say children were cruel? Apparently even God has His moments.

Sam Nolan:
I want a sandwich!

Norman Grunmeyer:
Sam, Look at me, if I ask my mom for an extra sandwich, she's going to know something's up. She gives me two as it is.

Sam Nolan:
Sandwich and candy bar.

Norman Grunmeyer:
Candy bar? Candy bar. Are you nuts? My mom won't give me a candy bar no matter how many times you beat me up. Hello, my dad's a dentist, remember? Why don't you just cut off my arm and and snack on that, Sam.

Barbara Foss:
Hey, Andy. Mary Clear likes you.

Andy Nichol:
M - Mary Clear likes me?

Barbara Foss:
That's what I said.

Andy Nichol:
Why?

Barbara Foss:
I don't know. She's pretty much gone steady with everybody else, so...

Andy Nichol:
She told you that she wanted to go steady with me?

Barbara Foss:
Of course, she's my best friend. She said she thinks you're cute. And don't ask me why. [walks away]

Narrator:
Let's just say that selection by process of elimination lacked a certain romance one might have otherwise found exciting. Even at the age of 13.

Narrator:
The trip through that dark tunnel from boy to man does not come without great expense.

Narrator:
It took maybe thirty seconds for word of Mary Clear and my impending union to cover the school grounds like a suffocating fog. If only our fire drills were that organized. Heck, even the Blue Angels don't fly with that kind of precision any more.

Principal Kelner:
Please Steven, just deny it, for the children's sake. I don't care if it's true or not. Please just deny it.

Mr. Simon:
It's for the sake of the children that I won't deny it, true or not.

Narrator:
[as Andy heads for rendezvous with Mary Clear] I moved with purpose, and yet it was clear that my mind was not in control. My body governed by some force previously unknown to me was calling the shots. This despite the fact that it was my body and not my mind that Ricky Brown would ultimately beat unmercifully.

Andy Nichol:
You try and throw that tomato, Ricky... I'm gonna stop you.

Ricky Brown:
You don't have the balls, Nichol.

Andy Nichol:
[kicks him] Now you don't have the balls. [Ricky begins whaling like a baby]

Mr. Simon:
[walks over] Ricky, have you had a bowel movement today? Obviously you're suffering from gas pains. Tomatoes will do that to you, you know. Boys, would you help my friend Ricky here out of the gym. He's not feeling well. You know, the show must go on.

Andy Nichol:
What are you going to do now, Mr. Simon?

Mr. Simon:
Well, I'll find some place to teach, of course. I'm a teacher. That's what I am.

Narrator:
I'm a writer. That's what I am.