The 46th Annual Grammy Awards

Ellen DeGeneres:
I'm really happy to be here, although I don't sing or play an instrument. Well, I play my stereo, which really isn't a musical instrument, but I can say that I play my stereo because that's what I do to listen to music. Those who don't like music are stupid. That's right, I said stupid, but they're not watching. I like all kinds of music... well, except for polka, because it's too fast for me. But I like some of it, I like a lot of it.

Matthew Perry:
John, I'm glad that you think that way, because I also think that my body is a temple.

John Mayer:
I didn't write that song for you.

Matthew Perry:
Yes, you did.

John Mayer:
No, I didn't.

Matthew Perry:
Well, let's not fight in front of the audience.

Matthew Perry:
For this category, we have to say that, sadly, there are no duos nominated.

John Mayer:
Over the past year, we've been touring the country, but three weeks ago, we decided to split up due to our differences.

Matthew Perry:
Yeah, it turns out that John is musical, and I'm not. And even if we'll end up suing each other, we'll still be good friends.

Steven Tyler:
It's a real honor to be presenting this award with the legendary B.B. King.

B.B. King:
Thank you, boys. That means a lot to me. I got to tell you, I've been an Aerosmith fan since, well, I was a boy.

Sharon Osbourne:
Ozzy and I are very happy to be here tonight.

Ozzy Osbourne:
I'm happy to be anywhere.

Sharon Osbourne:
And the Grammy goes to...

Ozzy Osbourne:
Me.