The 59th Annual Academy Awards

Paul Hogan:
Now, I'm nominated tonight, and I realize I'm not exactly the odds-on favorite. But I traveled 13,000 miles to be here for this. I've come from the other side of the planet. And if they read out someone else's name instead of mine, it's not gonna be pretty.

Paul Hogan:
Anyway, listen. Most important, the producer of this program, Sam Goldwyn, said to me, "Everyone's really tense out there. Go out and see if you can get 'em to relax." Why? You didn't come here to relax. You want to relax, stay at home, watch it on television. That'll relax you. No, no. Fellow workers, brothers, workmates... you're here to sweat. This program is live. There's about a thousand million people... watching you. So you remember: one wrong word, one foolish gesture, and your whole career could go down in flames. Hold that thought, and have a nice night, you hear?

Herself - Presenter:
Best Original Score: Oh, my God, I got here! I cannot tell you what I have been through, getting ready for this star-studded event! I had my hair tortured by Emilio! I had by body pummeled by Ambrosia! I had my nails filed by Philippe! I have been worked over by more aliens than Sigourney Weaver! Oh, my God, but I *made* it! Now I know you're all on the edge of your seats, dying to know who I'm going to trash this evening. I hate to tell you this, but there is no trashing to be done in this category. These nominees are absolutely un-besmirchable! Nevertheless I am honored to present this award because, as you may have heard, I love this category: Scoring! Yes, that's right! There is a cheap and vulgar joke to be made for this category, and if I were half as cheap as I look in this dress, I would tell it! But I hardly think that appropriate for an occasion as pompous as this one. So we'll save the cheap shots for the People's Choice Awards.