The 60th Primetime Emmy Awards

Jeff Probst:
[about the hosts' preparations] And as of this moment right now, no lie, at two minutes into the show on Emmy night, we have absolutely nothing for you.

Tina Fey:
To our friends in France, "Bienvenue."

Amy Poehler:
To our friends in Spain, "Welrrr-come."

Tina Fey:
To Greece, "Kalos irthate."

Amy Poehler:
To Italy, "Evrybody wellcome... Meatballs."

Tina Fey:
To our friends in Beijing, "Huan yin."

Amy Poehler:
To our enemies on Mars, "Blip-blorp, you are not welcome, blip-blorp-blip."

Tina Fey:
Hey, you know what...

Amy Poehler:
And to all the parrots watching, "Bwaaap, bweaa, hello, welcome!"

Tina Fey:
You told me you were going to practise these.

Amy Poehler:
I lied!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus:
That was an episode of Seinfeld called "The Contest", and boy does that bring back happy memories. You know, I can't tell you how proud I am to be part of a television program that celebrates the gratuitous indulgence of self-gratification... But enough about the Emmys.

Ricky Gervais:
I couldn't come last year, which was a shame. But I still won. D'you remember? Thanks for that. The press called it a major upset. Which means they thought I shouldn't have won.

Ricky Gervais:
[to Steve Carell] I made you what you are and I get nothing back. Have you even been to see "Ghost Town" yet? No? I sat through "Evan Almighty". Give me my Emmy!

Conan O'Brien:
Let's face it, we all owe a great deal to The Simpsons. But I owe more than most. See, one of my first big jobs in television was writing dialog for Bart Simpson. It was then I realized that a guy with crazy hair and a girl's voice could make it in this business.

Steve Martin:
[introducing Tommy Smothers] But his passion and his intelligence guided us writers, resulting in a controversial show that was perspicacious, multifarious and only sometimes placatory. And believe me, I only use those words to see how closed-captioning will spell them.

Jon Stewart:
What are you doing?

Stephen Colbert:
I'm sorry, I'm just enjoying these delicious prunes.

Jon Stewart:
Do you need to do that right now, do you need to eat prunes?

Stephen Colbert:
Yes, Jon, I need to. You know what, I think right now America needs a prune. It may not be a young, sexy plum. Granted, it is shrivelled and at times hard to swallow, but this dried-up old fruit has the experience we need.

Jon Stewart:
You know, after eight years of prunes you would think...

Stephen Colbert:
Never enough. What could possibly go wrong?

Don Rickles:
Let's read these funny lines they wrote for us.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Thanks to Howie Mandel's prattling, our bit has been cut.

Don Rickles:
And also my dear wife Barbara. She is something else. She was an assistant at GAC when I first met her, and I said, "I'd like to see an agent called Jack Galardi." She said, "What does it regard to?" I said, "I'm a butcher, I have a truck outside, I want to sell meat." And she said, "Being a wiseguy will not get you in to see him." And today she just sits in Malibu on the sand with the jewelry, signalling ships.

Tina Fey:
I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Well done, that is what all parents should do.

Jimmy Kimmel:
And the winner of the Emmy for outstanding host for a reality or reality competition show is... going to be revealed when we come back after this break.