The 72nd Annual Academy Awards

['Warren Beatty (I)' (qv) and a pregnant 'Annette Bening' (qv) are in the audience]

Billy Crystal:
As host, I have a lot of duties to do tonight. If Warren happens to be on stage, if Annette goes into labor, I have to be her Lamaze coach. But she's a pro and I know she'll do it in one take. And if Roberto Benigni gets out of hand, I've got the stun gun.

Billy Crystal:
Welcome to Oscar 2000, or as ABC calls it, Regis's night off.

Billy Crystal:
Who's in charge of security? Probably the same guys who protected Sonny Corleone at the tollbooth.

[presenting Best Original Screenplay]

Mel Gibson:
Consider the writer. Locked away in a lonely room, waiting for Lady Muse to alight gracefully and turn the stark blank empty void of a page into the stuff of masterpiece... geez, who writes this stuff?

Cher:
OK, you've probably noticed I am dressed like a grown-up. I'd like to apologize to the Academy, and I promise I will never do it again.

Billy Crystal:
[reading Michael Clarke Duncan's mind] I see white people.

Himself - Winner:
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: I remember they changed the wording from "The winner is" to "The Oscar goes to." And if ever there was a category where the Oscar goes to someone without there being a winner, it's this one, because I don't feel like a winner.

Himself - Winner:
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: [talking about Tom Cruise] You have Tom, who if you had won this, your pay would have gone down so fast. You have any idea what supporting actors get paid? We only get one mobile home.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Mixing: This little guy represents so much hard work by so many people and we're very proud to be able to represent them tonight. There's too many to thank individually, but we do want to thank the Wachowski Brothers and Joel Silver for being just a wonderful experience. They're a lot of fun to work with. And Joel, we truly appreciate all your trust and support. Thank you very much.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Editing: Wow. So this is where the rabbit hole goes. I want to thank Larry and Andy Wachowski and Joel Silver, Zach Staenberg, and everybody at Warner Bros. for trusting me with such a terrific movie. It was a blast from start to finish. I want to thank our mixers, John, Gregg and Dave, and congratulations. I want to thank my terrific crew led by Julia Evershade, Eric Lindemann, and John Roesch. I thank my mother and father, my wife Francine, my sons Jeremy and Ryan for being there for me when I came back from being in the Matrix. This is a great honor. Thank you, everyone in the Academy. Thank you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Visual Effects: Futurize filmmaking, Andy and Larry Wachowski, this is their vision on the screen. These guys made my decade, they gave my career a path and I am most thankful. And they are great friends of all of ours. They're very... by the heart they're making their films. I'd like to dedicate this to my son Skylar*, this is inspiration. I'd like to thank my wife Rose for standing by me through all of this. I'd like to thank the executive producers Barrie Osborne, Andrew Mason, ultra-producer Joel Silver. I'd like to thank Lorenzo Di Bonaventura of Warner Bros. for standing behind a very risky picture and really making this film what the filmmakers wanted it to be. I want to point out that there are some great visual effects companies that did this picture. MVFX's Rob Bobo, thank you very much for putting all of your efforts behind innovation, behind the spirit of doing visual effects in service to a story. I'd like to thank Animal Logic and Dfilm for quality work and a great experience. And most of all, the artists. Whatisthematrix.com, go there.

Himself - Winner:
Best Film Editing: Thank you very much. It's really wild being up here. Thank you, Larry and Andy Wachowski, for your vision, creativity, intelligence, daily inspiration, and most of all, your friendship. You accomplished the seemingly impossible - a movie with action, suspense, and an intelligent, provocative message. Take the blue pill and stay where you are, or take the red pill and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes. We had a great team, quite a few of whom have been honored here tonight. They made my work great. I'd like to thank Lorenzo Di Bonaventura and everybody at Warner Bros. for the creative freedom and support. Joel Silver and Barrie Osborne, for fighting some good fights on our behalf. My entire assistant editing team led by Peter Skarratt, you all know who you are. Thanks to my wife Bonnie, my son Robert. I love you. There is no spoon.

Himself - Performer:
'You'll Be in My Heart' and Winner: Best Original Song: Now my life can go on, I think. Boy, it's been hell I tell you. You don't know what this means to me. You don't know what this means to my kids. It's fantastic. I've got some people to thank. I'll do it quickly, I promise. My friends at Disney who did all the work on "Tarzan": Bonnie Arnold, Kevin Lima, Chris Buck, producer and directors. Chris Montan, who is just an incredible guy, music producer. Peter Schneider, Tom Schumacher, brilliant minds. Mr. Glen Keane and all the animators of course, who did such a wonderful job. Mark Mancina, who did a wonderful job on the score. Rob Cavallo, who helped me produce the record. My manager Tony Smith, my agent Hilary Shor. My family, my lovely wife Orianne. Man, this is tough. I didn't think it was going to be this tough. My wife Orianne [inaudible] and my wonderful kids, Lily, Joely and Simon, who really wrote this song for me. The Academy, thank you for making all the films that I have watched and enjoyed, and thanks for having me here. And this is fantastic. Thank you.