The 75th Annual Academy Awards

Steve Martin:
Afghanistan submitted a film this year: "My Big Fat Skinny Raggety-Ass One Hump Thirsty Camel".

[Acceptance speech for Best Documentary, Bowling for Columbine]

Himself - Winner:
Best Documentary Feature: Thank you very much. On behalf of our producers Kathleen Glynn and Michael Donovan from Canada, I'd like to thank the Academy for this. I've invited my fellow documentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to - they are here in solidarity with me because we like nonfiction. We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it's the fictition of duct tape or the fictitious of orange alerts. We are against this war, Mr. Bush! Shame on you, Mr. Bush! Shame on you! And any time you've got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up! Thank you very much.

[after 'Michael Moore (II)' (qv)'s acceptance speech]

Steve Martin:
It's so sweet backstage. The Teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

Steve Martin:
Roman Polanski's here. Get him!

Steve Martin:
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats... or skinny.

Steve Martin:
When I heard that Richard Gere was not nominated for his great performance in "Chicago," I said to myself, "Welcome to my world, Richard Gere!"

Adrien Brody:
[making his acceptance speech for "The Pianist"]: My experience of making this film made me very, very aware of the... repercussions of war. Whatever you believe in - whether it's God or Allah - may he watch over you, and let us play for a peaceful and swift resolution. I have a friend from Queens who's a soldier in Kuwait right now... and I hope you make it back real soon. God bless you boys, I love you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Actor in a Leading Role: I bet they didn't tell you that was in the gift bag. Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you, really. Oh my goodness. It doesn't come out in slow motion, but it doesn't really ring a bell. The name - I didn't know my name. This Adrien? Okay. I haven't really written a speech because every time I wrote a speech for the past one of these things I didn't win. But, you know, there comes a time in life when everything seems to make sense and this is not one of those times. What I do know though is that I've never felt this much love and encouragement from my peers and from people I admire and from complete strangers. And it means a great deal to me. And if it weren't for the insomnia and the sudden panic attacks, this has been an amazing, amazing journey. I have to thank - they're already flashing time's up. I have to thank my mother and father, most importantly, for all the creativity and encouragement and they've been just real strength. They've given me a great deal of strength. What ! can I say? This film would not be possible without the blue print provided by Wladyslaw Szpilman. This is a tribute to his survival. I'd like to thank Roman Polanski for the role of a lifetime. And for those of you who have seen the film and have sat through the credits, you know there are too many people to thank individually. I would not be there without all their efforts. And I thank them. And everyone worked extremely hard to make this film. And I have to thank Focus Features for getting us out there. To my longtime friend, manager, agent, consigliare Joanne Colonna everybody at the firm, PMK/HBH. And you know, wait one second. One second, please one second. Cut it out, cut it out. I get one shot at this. I'm sorry. I didn't say more than five names, I don't think, but. This is, you know, it fills me with great joy, but I am also filled with a lot of sadness tonight because I am accepting an award at such a strange time. And you know my experiences of making this film m! ade me very aware of the sadness and the dehumanization of peo! ple at times of war. And the repercussions of war. And whatever you believe in, if it's God or Allah, may he watch over you and let's pray for a peaceful and swift resolution. Thank you. And I have a friend from Queens who's a soldier in Kuwait right now, Tommy Zarabinski, and I hope you and your boys make it back real soon. God bless you guys. I love you. Thank you very much.

Chris Cooper:
Take this in for one second. From the Academy to the womb that bore me, thank you. To all the nominees, it's a pleasure to be thought in your same company. To all the people in "Adaptation" who helped to make this the most enjoyable job I ever had, thank you. Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze, Nicolas Cage, the fabulous beautiful wonderful Meryl Streep. Working with this woman was like making great jazz. You had a lot to do with this, so I thank you. To my wife, Marianne, you took on all the burden, thank you. And in light of all the troubles in this world, I wish us all peace. Thank you.

Herself - Winner:
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Thank you so much. Yes. Now I have to think. David Hare, I need your words. I have such appreciation and gratitude for this. Russell Crowe said, "Don't cry if you get up there." And now I'm crying. Sorry. Stephen Daldry, you took a huge chance on me. I am so grateful. David Hare, you gave me magnificent words to say. Scott Rudin, you fought so hard for this film to get it made. Paramount and Miramax, you made it. And Kevin Huvane, Rick Nicita, Marc Epstein stood by me for so many years. And I am just absolutely thrilled to be standing up here tonight. I do have to say, it was "Why do you come to the Academy Awards when the world is in such turmoil?" Because art is important. And because you believe in what you do. And you want to honor that. And it is a tradition that needs to be upheld. At the same time you say there is a lot of problems in the world and since 9/11 there's been a lot of pain, in terms of families losing people, and now with the war, fami! lies losing people. And God bless them. And I am standing here in front of my mother and my daughter and my whole life I've wanted to make my mother proud. And now I want to make my daughter proud. So thank you.

Herself - Winner:
Best Actress in a Supporting Role & Co-Performer: 'I Move On': Thank you so much my Scotsman giving the Welsh here, I can't believe it. Oh my gosh. This is too - I mean, my hormones are just too way out of control to be dealing with this. But, thank you so much, the Academy. To be nominated with such amazing women and an amazing year for women. Thank you very much. Everyone involved in "Chicago". There's so many people involved. Rob Marshall, Harvey Weinstein, Craig, Neil and everybody, all the cast and crew. Everybody in Swansea, South Wales, I love you. And to my son Dylan who is going to be watching at home. And to my husband, who I love and I share this award with you, along with this one, too. Thank you so much.

[after kissing Halle Berry]

Adrien Brody:
I bet they didn't tell you that was in the giftbag.

[on Meryl Streep, accepting Best Supporting Actor]

Chris Cooper:
Working with her was like making great jazz.

Himself - Co-presenter:
Best Picture: Welcome to the 75th Annual Academy Award Ceremony. Oh, I wish I could be 75 years old again.

Himself - Co-Presenter:
Best Picture/Past Winner: Dad. You are supposed to say "And the Oscar goes to..."

[Kirk get angry, turns to his son Michael and says his line while looking at him]

Himself - Presenter:
Best Picture: "And the winner is..."

Himself - Co-Presenter:
Best Picture/Past Winner, Himself - Presenter: Best Picture: Chicago!

Steve Martin:
[to Mickey Rooney] Mickey, I'm sorry we couldn't get you a better seat, but Vin Diesel is here.