The Addams Family

Morticia:
[looking through Fester's suitcase] Crowbar... dynamite... cyanide. Fester- as if we'd run out.

Morticia:
And our credo, "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc"..."We gladly feast on those who would subdue us". Not just pretty words.

Morticia:
Wednesday, play with your food!

Morticia:
Thing, you're a handful.

Morticia:
Don't torture yourself, Gomez- that's my job.

Morticia:
Gomez, last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. [pause] Do it again!

Morticia:
[looking through an armoire] Uncle Nick-Nack's winter wardrobe... Uncle Nick-Nack's summer wardrobe... Uncle Nick-Nack...

Morticia:
They say she danced naked in the town square and enslaved a minister! But don't worry, we told Wednesday, "College first."

Morticia:
[watching Pugsley sleep] He looks so sweet... just like a little entrée.

Gomez:
(repeated line to Tully) Dirty pool, old man!

Gomez:
"How do you take it off?" That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his 10th birthday!

Gomez:
We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled...we danced the Mamushka at Waterloo...we danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper. And now, Fester Addams- this Mamushka is for you.

Gomez:
That's the spirit, Thing! Lend a hand!

Gomez:
They say that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. And, with God as my witness, I am that fool!

Gomez:
2, 10, 11- eyes, fingers, toes!

Wednesday:
[when asked about her Halloween costume] This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac- they look just like everyone else.

Grandma:
Dinner's gonna be late. [goes outside] Here, boy! Here, boy!

Fester:
Three parts dynamite, with a nitroglycerin cap. It's perfect for small homes, carports and toolsheds.

Wednesday:
[hooking up an electric chair] Pugsley, sit in the chair.

Pugsley:
Why?

Wednesday:
Because we're going to play a game.

Pugsley:
What game?

Wednesday:
[strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

Pugsley:
Are they dead?

Wednesday:
Does it matter?

Girl Scout:
Is this made from real lemons?

Wednesday:
Yes.

Girl Scout:
I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?

Pugsley:
Yes.

Girl Scout:
I'll tell you what- I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?

Wednesday:
Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

Morticia:
Children, what are you doing?

Wednesday:
I'm going to electrocute him.

Morticia:
But we're late for the charity auction.

Wednesday:
But, Mother!

Morticia:
[firmly] I said no.

Pugsley:
Pleeaaaase?

Morticia:
[smiling indulgently] Oh, all right.

Wednesday:
Pass the salt.

Morticia:
And what do we say?

Wednesday:
NOW.

Gomez:
How long has it been since we waltzed?

Morticia:
Oh, Gomez...hours.

Dr. Pinderschloss:
The human spirit, it is a very difficult thing to kill.

Grandma:
Even with a chainsaw!

Dr. Pinderschloss:
Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?

Gomez:
But I didn't hate my mother- it was an accident!

[Morticia and Grandma examine a valuable heirloom Morticia is donating to charity]

Grandma:
Let's keep it!

Morticia:
Hush, mama! It's for charity! Widows and orphans. We need more of them.

Morticia:
Margaret, about the séance tonight, I wish you'd come. It's Gomez, I'm terribly worried about him. He won't eat, he can't sleep, he keeps coughing up blood...

Margaret:
He coughs up blood?

Morticia:
Well, not like he used to.

Margaret:
[regarding Cousin Itt] Everyone keeps asking where he got his costume.

Gomez:
It is a wonderful hat.

Sally Jessy Raphael:
So, you say your son was kidnapped by voodoo witch doctors? Let's take a call.

Gomez:
Hello, Sally?

Sally Jessy Raphael:
[frustrated] Mr. Addams, please, stop calling! We do not know where they meet!

Morticia:
Gomez, let's go for a drive- the whole family.

Gomez:
A drive? And miss Gilligan?

Uncle Fester:
Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone before?

Wednesday:
He's only a child.

Uncle Fester:
That's no excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.

[Gomez and Fester are watching home movies]

Gomez:
Do you remember that fateful night?

Uncle Fester:
[hedging] Um...your first cigar!

Gomez:
What? Come on, old man, I've smoked since I was 5- Mother insisted.

Margaret:
This is always so embarrassing. Why did I marry you?

Tully:
Because I said yes.

Judge:
[after a golf ball crashes through his window] Damn you, Addams!

Gomez:
Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball, I have a whole bucket full!

Judge:
You moron!

Dr. Pinder-Schloss:
[faking an over-the-top Germanic accent] Mr. Addams, I beleef I am understandink. I can help. Jais? Ze theory of displacement, is zis familiar?

Gomez:
No. Tish?

Dr. Pinder-Schloss:
Oh, it is too exciting! I vill explain.

Gomez:
[eagerly] Is it unpleasant?

Dr. Pinder-Schloss:
Deeply. Your very own bruzzer, you drive him avay. Go, off viz you! But zen, you are feelink ze little black monster.

Gomez:
Pugsley?

Dr. Pinder-Schloss:
Guilt! Jais! Your bruzzer returns, you feel guilty- you displace.

Gomez:
[helping Morticia out of a torture device] Leather straps...red-hot pokers...

Morticia:
Later, my dearest.

Wednesday:
It has to warm up.

Pugsley:
Why?

Wednesday:
So it can kill you.

Pugsley:
I knew that.

[Tully and Abigail fall into two freshly dug graves]

Pugsley:
Are they dead?

Wednesday:
[sarcastically] Does it matter?

Abigail Craven:
Can it, Gordon! Stop dragging your feet! You disgust me! You're nothing but a useless sniveling baby! A stone around my neck! What was I thinking? I should have left you where I found you!

Uncle Fester:
No tricks, Gomez! That's the wrong book! Allow me.

Gomez:
Good show, old man.

Tully Alford:
Put that book down, Gordon! You don't know what it can do! It's not just literture!

Uncle Fester:
Oh, really?

Morticia:
Quickly, my darling!

Tully Alford:
Gordon I'm your friend, think of the doubloons!

Uncle Fester:
They're not yours, Tully! Back off!

Gomez:
Leather straps, red-hot pokers...

Morticia:
Later, my dearest.

Abigail Craven:
Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!

Uncle Fester:
I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!

Abigail Craven:
I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!

Uncle Fester:
You never really loved me!

Gomez:
Fester, this way!

Abigail Craven:
Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!

Uncle Fester:
You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!

Gomez:
"How do you take it off?" That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his 10th birthday! He wore that finger trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet!

Gomez:
Morticia in danger stop. Send help at once stop.

Wednesday:
Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

Wednesday:
[upon seeing that Fester is actually Gordon] I knew it! You are a fake!

Gomez:
[Watching Morticia sleep] Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

Gomez:
Spirits above me, give me a sign! Shall I be joyous, or shall I be damned?