The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother

Orville:
Are you Mister S., for Sigerson, Holmes?

Sigerson Holmes:
Perhaps.

Orville:
Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock?

Sigerson Holmes:
I do not.

Orville:
You do have a brother?

Sigerson Holmes:
I do.

Orville:
Might I inquire as to his first name?

Sigerson Holmes:
"Sheer luck."

Sigerson Holmes:
The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere!

Sigerson Holmes:
You call this tea?

Orville:
No, I call that hot water.

Jenny Hill:
My name is Jenny Hill, and I'm simultaneously funny and sad.

Jenny Hill:
How do you do? My name is Bessie Bellwood.

Sigerson Holmes:
LIAR!

Jenny Hill:
Oh! You don't fool around, do you? How do you know that I'm not Bessie Bellwood?

Sigerson Holmes:
[singing] There's no harm in taking a kiss/It's never missed...

Jenny Hill:
[singing next line] If I'd known that love was like this, should I have kissed?

Sigerson Holmes:
[singing] Love's a game if you are clever/Play your cards and go...

Jenny Hill:
[singing next line] Love with me will last forever/That is all I know - chorus! - But you don't love as I love...

Sigerson Holmes:
All right, all right, enough!

[singing]

Sigerson Holmes:
Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy poo/Cried the farmer's daughter, Phyllis...

Jenny Hill:
[hesitant singing] Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, pig - Well, I don't think I know that one.

Sigerson Holmes:
Pity! Next time you decide to impersonate a music hall singer who's been dead for the past twelve years, I suggest you learn her full repertoire! Won't you come in, MISS LIAR?

Gambetti's Opera Troupe:
[rushed, panicked singing] The chicken was in peril/The princess was delicious...

Jenny Hill:
[fearfully wailing a song] Away, away, away, away, away, away, away...

Sigerson Holmes:
What are you doing?

Jenny Hill:
Whenever I'm petrified, I either cry or sing.

[continues]

Orville:
London streets and places of all interest! Abbey Road! Abbey Street! Abigail Gardens! Abbington Road! Adelphi Terrace! Adelphi Theatre!...

Sigerson Holmes:
"Eduardo Gambetti"? The name strikes a bell. Ever heard of him, Sacker?

Orville:
[slaps head; low voice] "Oh, not Gambetti again!" [high voice] "'Fraid so, sir." [low] "Fat little fart, fancies himself as an opera singer." [high] "That's him, sir." [low] "Pour us some tea, will you, Sacker?" [normal voice] Yes, sir. [low] "How does he do it, Greerson?" [high] "Pays the highest prices for spicy letters, sir. Everything on the market goes to Gambetti." [low] "Oh, the swine." [high] "Swine he may be, sir, but he certainly is the cleverest of all the blackmailers." [smiles]

Jenny Hill:
I'm not sure... What just happened?

Sigerson Holmes:
Never mind. I'll explain it to you later.

Sigerson Holmes:
Jenny! [singing] Have you seen the latest dance that's come along?/Jenny, go and put your Sunday hat and jacket on/There's going to be some jollicky, come with me, happy-py, fill your heart with ecstasy/Jenny/

Jenny Hill:
It's the greatest thing creation's ever known/

Sigerson Holmes:
Take a little tip from me/Hold tight/

Jenny Hill:
I'm all right/

Sigerson Holmes:
When you do the/

Jenny Hill:
H/

Sigerson Holmes:
O/

Jenny Hill:
P/

Orville:
Come... on... and/

Sigerson Holmes, Jenny Hill, Orville:
Hop/Hop/Come and do the kangaroo hop/Hop/That's the dance for me and you/If you're over 80, you can waltz a little while/But hopping about the parlor is the very latest style/Come on and hop/Hop/Hear the music goin' pop/You'll never, never want to stop/There's no other kind of dance at all/So come along, my honey, make the others look small/Come and do the kangaroo/If you know what's good for you/Come and do the kangaroo hop...

Moriarty:
[Gambetti's just caught him trying to break a vase over his head] You've got a lovely vase.

Eduardo Gambetti, Blackmailer:
And *you* got a lovely face!

[first lines]

Royal Herald:
The Foreign Secretary, Lord Redcliff!

Lord Redcliff:
[rehearsing what to say under his breath] Your Majesty, being inside of your confidence is the greatest joy I've ever known. Ahem...

Queen Victoria:
[handing him the document] Lord Redcliff, the fate of England is now in your hands.

Lord Redcliff:
Your Confidence... being inside of Your Majesty is the greatest single joy I've ever known. [realizing what he's said, he tosses the document away] Woof!

Lord Redcliff:
It's alright, Your Majesty! I've got it! I've got it. All's well that ends well!

Queen Victoria:
Sh*t.

Cameo appearance:
Is this rotten or wonderfully brave?

[Sigerson is trying to seduce her]

Jenny Hill:
Would you like me to warm your pe - your tea?

Jenny Hill:
I'm not proud of what I did!

Sigerson Holmes:
You've just told me a magnificent success story! Overlooking the fact that you're a liar, a thief, a traitor, and a whore, I don't see what should be bothering you!

Jenny Hill:
[singing] Oh, what regret when love devours my heart? Ohhhhhhhhh... [two gunshots] Sh*t. [singing] Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[singing]

Sigerson Holmes:
Why don't we all drink/Some very sexy wine?

Sherlock Holmes:
While Sherlock is gone, he will pass on one or two of his less urgent assignments to his brother, Sigerson.

[clock goes off]

Dr. Watson:
Holmes! You never told me you had a brother, Sigerson.

Sherlock Holmes:
I never told you I had a brother Mycroft... until the occasion arose.

Dr. Watson:
Well, who is the fellow?

Sherlock Holmes:
Sigerson is my younger brother. And he has spent the past thirty years getting hopelessly twisted in my shadow.

Dr. Watson:
Extremely jealous, is he?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mm, something of the sort.

Dr. Watson:
Love and hate, eh?

Sherlock Holmes:
I should say hate... and dislike.

Moriarty:
You're too sh*t smart for your own good, boy.

Jenny Hill:
I don't wish to talk about it.

Sigerson Holmes:
The problem won't go away because you don't wish to t...

Jenny Hill:
I don't wish to talk about it!

Orville:
You're making a tragic mistake, love.

Jenny Hill:
I've made a tragic mistake. More tragic than you can possibly imagine. And unless I am very careful... I am going to die for it.

Dr. Watson:
Holmes, how will you ever repay him?

Sherlock Holmes:
By playing the violin, Watson. By playing the violin.

Sigerson Holmes:
I wish I knew what in God's name they were saying out there!

Orville:
[bumps head, starts imitating Gambetti] Professore! This little room is-a 15 inches-a wide! My little saw gonna come right-a down-a the middle! I hope ya like-a the color red! A-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! Aaa-ha-ha-haaa! [normal voice] I also read lips.

Sigerson Holmes:
What did the letter say Mrs.Hill?

Jenny Hill:
IT SAID I WANTED TO TOUCH HIS WINKLE!

Sigerson Holmes:
Ohh...

Orville:
His what?

Sigerson Holmes:
Nevermind, i'll explain later.

Moriarty:
Father forgive me for I have sinned. I don't know why... but ever since I was a little boy... I've been struck with a compulsion to do something ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN every twenty minutes.