The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

Sultan:
Have you any famous last words?

Baron Munchausen:
Not yet.

Sultan:
"Not yet"? Is that famous?

Horatio Jackson:
We can't start escaping at a time like this. What would future generations think of us?

Horatio Jackson:
He won't get far on hot air and fantasy.

King of the Moon:
I'm back! I got lips again and I'm gonna use 'em, baby!

Baron Munchausen:
Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

Sally:
Are you all right?

Baron Munchausen:
Am I dead?

Sally:
No.

Baron Munchausen:
Blast!

Sally:
Who are you really?

Baron Munchausen:
[groans]

Sally:
Baron Munchausen isn't real, he's only in stories.

Baron Munchausen:
Go away! I'm trying to die!

Sally:
Why?

Baron Munchausen:
Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidently tired of me.

Sally:
But why? Why?

Baron Munchausen:
Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me.

King of the Moon:
[upon noticing his wife's head is absent] You're not here. Where're you? Where- You're with the baron! You are with that *little* man! You told me size don't make a difference!

Baron Munchausen:
You do believe me, don't you?

Sally:
I'm doing my best.

Sally:
You look different, younger.

Baron Munchausen:
I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure. For heaven's sake, don't you get any younger or I'll have to find a wet nurse.

Horatio Jackson:
Ah, the officer who risked his life by singlehandedly destroying...

Functionary:
[whispering in his ear] Six.

Horatio Jackson:
*Six* enemy cannon and rescuing...

Functionary:
Ten.

Horatio Jackson:
Ten of our men held captive by The Turk.

Heroic Officer:
Yes, sir.

Horatio Jackson:
The officer about whom we've heard so much.

Heroic Officer:
I suppose so, sir.

Horatio Jackson:
Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.

Heroic Officer:
I only did my best, sir.

Horatio Jackson:
Have him executed at once.

Soldier:
Yes, sir. Come along.

Horatio Jackson:
This sort of behavior is demoralizing for the ordinary soldiers and citizens who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives. I think things are difficult enough as it is without these emotional people rocking the boat.

Baron Munchausen:
[after being saved by Sally] You horrible little brat! Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?

[repeated line]

Baron Munchausen:
I have learned from experience that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.

Baron Munchausen:
And that was only one of the many occasions on which I met my death, an experience which I don't hesitate strongly to recommend.

[repeated line]

Baron Munchausen:
Open the gates!

King of the Moon:
I think, therefore you is.

Berthold:
Is there a doctor in the fish?

Sultan:
What about the virgins?

Horatio Jackson:
Please, forget the virgins. We're out of virgins!

Baron Munchausen:
Berthold!

Desmond:
The name's Desmond, mate! We're actors, not figments of your imagination! Now get a grip!

[the sound of the Turks' cannons being fired]

Baron Munchausen:
They're inviting us to defeat them! We must oblige them!

Baron Munchausen:
I'm Baron Munchausen!

Berthold:
That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

Baron Munchausen:
Berthold, come on.

Berthold:
Let go of me!

Baron Munchausen:
You're coming with us.

Berthold:
No chance!

Baron Munchausen:
Why not?

Berthold:
I can't remember.

Baron Munchausen:
You're not frightened, are you?

Berthold:
That's it!

Baron Munchausen:
Abandon ship!

Berthold:
I think the ship's abandoning us.

[after the King of the Moon's body crashes, his head flies free]

King of the Moon:
I'm free! I'm free at last! The body is dead! The body is dead, long live the head, it's finished, finito, heh-heh! Bye, body! Ha-ha! I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive! I am omnipotent, ha-ha! Yes... OH! Oh no, I got an itch! Oh, no! Oh no, oh no... AH-CHOOOOO!

[the force of the sneeze rockets him backwards and out of sight]

[the Queen's head comes to rescue the Baron]

Baron Munchausen:
Where exactly is Roger?

Queen Ariadne:
In bed, with my body, of course. OH! [makes a series of high-pitched moans and squeals] Stop it. Stop it! [to the Baron] If he discovers my head's with you - ooh! Quickly, quickly. Quickly! Climb into my hair. [continuing to whimper]

Sally:
Why is she making those funny noises?

Baron Munchausen:
Um, her body is with the King, and he is, uh... tickling her feet.

King of the Moon:
I'm sorry. You must refer to me by my complete title: King of Everything. Rei di Tutto. But you may call me Ray.

[Vulcan seethes with jealousy as the Baron escorts his wife, Venus, to the ballroom]

Vulcan:
Come and see the ballroom. Come and see... the ballroom.

[still fuming as they enter]

Vulcan:
NICE, ISN'T IT?

Baron Munchausen:
What's this?

Vulcan:
Oh, this is our prototype. RX, uh, Intercontinental, radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded nuclear missile.

Baron Munchausen:
Ah! What does it do?

Vulcan:
Do? Kills the enemy.

Baron Munchausen:
All the enemy?

Vulcan:
Aye, all of them. All their wives, and all their children, and all their sheep, and all their cattle, and all their cats and dogs. All of them. All of them gone for good.

Sally:
That's horrible.

Vulcan:
Ahh. Well, you see, the advantage is you don't have to see one single one of them die. You just sit comfortably thousands of miles away from the battlefield and simply press the button.

Berthold:
Well, where's the fun in that?

King of the Moon:
No, let me go! I've got tides to regulate! Comets to direct! I don't have time for flatulence and orgasms!

Baron Munchausen:
Gentlemen! Don't you think it would be a good idea to silence those enemy cannons?

Gunner:
No, sir.

Baron Munchausen:
No?

Gunner:
It's Wednesday.

Desmond:
Look at all that underwear. Isn't it beautiful? It's like a dream come true. It's the dawning of the age of lovely, intimate things.

Berthold:
Hang on. Hang on! It's all coming back. I've-I've been stuck here for over twenty years, ever since you were last here on the moon. You abandoned me here! You swine! You toddled off with that old queen of tarts and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you? And now you come back here, just because it suits you, after wasting half my life and expect me to follow you to the ends of the earth!

Baron Munchausen:
Yes.

Berthold:
All right.

Queen Ariadne:
Here, take a lock of my hair. [the Baron hacks a lock of the Queen's hair with his sword]

Berthold:
Just a lock, cocky, not the whole carpet.

King of the Moon:
My kingdom for a handkerchief!

Sally:
It wasn't just a story, was it?

[the Baron tosses her a flower]

Sally:
[to Vulcan] The Baron's kissing your wife.

Berthold:
[the group sees a large sea monster ahead]

Berthold:
I spy with my little eye something beginning with "M".

Albrecht:
It's a demon of the deep!

Berthold:
That begins with "D" you klutz!

Baron Munchausen:
I want you to come and help us fight the Turk again.

Albrecht:
Oh no, I couldn't do that. No. Not since I found myself. No, now I really know it, I never really wanted to be *big*, and *strong* and lug heavy things about. No. Now I know, I want to be dainty and sensitive. They call me 'The Midgett' down here. I love it. It's bliss.

Berthold:
He's gone funny.

Venus:
I am a goddess! I can do what I like!

Vulcan:
And I am The God, so shut up!

Baron Munchausen:
The Sultan is going to cut off my head.

Adolphus:
[puzzled] And?

Baron Munchausen:
"And?"!

Adolphus:
Is that all? Well, I'm sorry. I don't find that funny. DO you find that funny?

Baron Munchausen:
Everyone who had a talent for it lived happily ever after.

Horatio Jackson:
We've discussed it. *You* surrender.

Sultan:
But, we're winning!

Horatio Jackson:
*We* surrendered last time! Now, it's *your* turn.

Baron Munchausen:
So, Mr. Jackson, still the rational man? How many people have perished in your logical little war?

Horatio Jackson:
There are rules in life! We cannot fly to the moon. We cannot defy death. We must face facts, not folly. You don't live in the real world.

Venus:
You never let me have any friends!

Vulcan:
I'll not have you wiggling at philanderers, you floozy!

King of the Moon:
I've got a galaxy to run. I don't have time for flatulence and orgasms.

Sultan:
[Performing from his Opera "The Torturer's Apprentice"] Ah, now this aria reminds me of my schooldays in England...

Horatio Jackson:
Take this man, Baron. He has today shown a commendable level of Bravery, far beyond the call of Duty.

Soldier:
That's all right, sir. Proud to be doing my job.

Horatio Jackson:
Have him executed at once. [Soldier is dragged away] We can't have such emotional people demoralising the average citizen.

Sally:
Where's the fun in that?

Vulcan:
Oh, we cater for all types here. You'd be surprised.

Opening Captions:
Late 18th Century. The Age of Reason. Wednesday.

Sultan:
But we're winning!

Horatio Jackson:
We surrendered last time. It's your turn.

Sultan:
What about the virgins?

Horatio Jackson:
Oh, please forget about the virgins. We're fresh out of virgins.

Henry Salt:
Nothing so deadens a man as ignorant numbness and conformity! Grasp the nettle!

Sally:
Where's my brother?

Henry Salt:
You don't have a brother.

Sally:
It says "And son". I'm your daughter.

Henry Salt:
I should never have taught you to read. "And son" is traditional.

Sally:
[the King of the Moon has imprisoned Sally and the Baron in a cage] 'One of the King's favourites'!

Baron Munchausen:
This cage isn't real, just part of the King's lunacy.

Sally:
[stamping on the metal floor] Seems solid enough to me.

Baron Munchausen:
I see we're in a not-very-helpful frame of mind...

Baron Munchausen:

So Mr. Jackson, still the rational man? How many people have perished in your logical, little war?

Horatio Jackson:

There are certain rules, sir, to the proper conduct of living. We cannot fly to the moon. We cannot defy death. We must face the facts. Not the folly of fantasists like you who do not live in the real world... and who consequently come to a very sticky end.