The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Ford Fairlane:
I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.

Ford Fairlane:
I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford Fairlane:
Have a twinkie, snapperhead.

Lt. Amos:
Are you calling me an a**hole, a**hole?

Ford Fairlane:
No, I'm calling you an anus, anus.

Don Cleveland:
Will someone tell me what the f*** is going on here, slowly?

Zuzu Petals:
Well... it... all... started... with... this... condom... factory...

Ford Fairlane:
Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "f***" again and I'll bang you right to f***. Now get the f*** out of here.

Ford Fairlane:
Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards.

Ford Fairlane:
Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone.

Lt. Amos:
Two words. "Disco Express."

Ford Fairlane:
Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...

Lt. Amos:
Like ME, right?

Ford Fairlane:
Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like sh*t, but... he looked like you.

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats f*** with more harmony.

Ford Fairlane:
I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.

Johnny Crunch:
If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch.

Ford Fairlane:
What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?

Ford Fairlane:
No sh*t, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?

Ford Fairlane:
You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.

Ford Fairlane:
So many a**holes... So few bullets...

Ford Fairlane:
Clint Eastwood... I f***ed 'im.

Lt. Amos:
You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...

Ford Fairlane:
You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...

Colleen Sutton:
Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?

Ford Fairlane:
I don't know, I never met your father.

Ford Fairlane:
Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

Ford Fairlane:
Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw...

Ford Fairlane:
Yo. Snapperhead.

Jazz:
Well, that weekend was a mistake.

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?

Ford Fairlane:
How much?

Ford Fairlane:
300? You charged the chicks one.

Ford Fairlane:
Heh. 300 coming up.

Lt. Amos:
I can't believe anybody can have so much f***ing fun in a funeral, Fairlane.

Lt. Amos:
See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.

Ford Fairlane:
Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.

Lt. Amos:
No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.

Ford Fairlane:
Spam.

Ford Fairlane:
Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Ford Fairlane:
Un-f***ing-believable.

Ford Fairlane:
hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.

Amiable Tourist:
Can you give us directions to Mann's Chinese Theatre?

Ford Fairlane:
Hey. Go back to Michigan.

Amiable Tourist:
We're from Wisconsin.

Ford Fairlane:
Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Now f*** off.

Ford Fairlane:
Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)

Johnny Crunch:
"Suzuki Samurai."

Smiley:
Alright... If that's the way you want it.

Smiley:
Your assistant is quite special. I look forward to raping her at your funeral.

Smiley:
Ford, I'll take her with me, I swear I will.

Smiley:
Hello, hello.

Smiley:
You're breaking me heart... What's the point?

Smiley:
Oh, no thanks, I've got me own.

Ford Fairlane:
I almost sh*t a Miata.

Ford Fairelaine:
What the f*** is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head.

Ford Fairlane:
What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

Ford Fairlane:
I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish.

Ford Fairlane:
What... you didn't really think we'd kill the f***in' koala bear, now did ya?

Ford Fairlane:
I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.

Ford Fairlane:
I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford Fairlane:
Have a twinkie, snapperhead.

Lt. Amos:
Are you calling me an a**hole, a**hole?

Ford Fairlane:
No, I'm calling you an anus, anus.

Don Cleveland:
Will someone tell me what the f*** is going on here, slowly?

Zuzu Petals:
Well... it... all... started... with... this... condom... factory...

Ford Fairlane:
Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "f***" again and I'll bang you right to f***. Now get the f*** out of here.

[Looking at a corpse's breasts]

Ford Fairlane:
Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards.

[to his erection]

Ford Fairlane:
Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone.

Lt. Amos:
Two words. "Disco Express."

Ford Fairlane:
Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...

Lt. Amos:
Like ME, right?

Ford Fairlane:
Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like sh*t, but... he looked like you.

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats f*** with more harmony.

Ford Fairlane:
I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.

Johnny Crunch:
If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch.

Ford Fairlane:
[to women running from his bed] Do my dishes.

Ford Fairlane:
What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?

Twin Club Girl:
Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.

Ford Fairlane:
No sh*t, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?

Ford Fairlane:
You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.

Ford Fairlane:
So many a**holes... So few bullets...

Ford Fairlane:
Clint Eastwood... I f***ed 'im.

Lt. Amos:
You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...

Ford Fairlane:
You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...

Colleen Sutton:
Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?

Ford Fairlane:
I don't know, I never met your father.

Ford Fairlane:
Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

Ford Fairlane:
Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw...

Ford Fairlane:
Yo. Snapperhead.

Jazz:
Well, that weekend was a mistake.

Ford Fairlane:
Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?

Ford Fairlane:
How much?

Ticket Guy:
300.

Ford Fairlane:
300? You charged the chicks one.

Ticket Guy:
Hey, they blew me.

Ford Fairlane:
Heh. 300 coming up.

Lt. Amos:
I can't believe anybody can have so much f***ing fun in a funeral, Fairlane.

Lt. Amos:
See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.

Ford Fairlane:
Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.

Lt. Amos:
No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.

Ford Fairlane:
Spam.

Ford Fairlane:
Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Ford Fairlane:
Un-f***ing-believable.

[At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women]

Ford Fairlane:
hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.

Amiable Tourist:
Excuse me! Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?

Ford Fairlane:
Go back to Michigan, asswipe.

Amiable Tourist:
Oh, we're from Wisconsin.

Ford Fairlane:
Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get out of here.

Don Cleveland:
[to Julian Grendale] With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Ford Fairlane:
Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)

ford fairlane/johnny crunch:
Here's to you... suckin' my dick.

Johnny Crunch:
Suzuki Samurai, you Bensonhurst piece of sh*t.

Ford Fairlane:
[falling off roof of Capitol Records building] My hair. My hair.

Smiley:
Alright... If that's the way you want it.

Smiley:
Your assistant is quite special. I look forward to raping her at your funeral.

Smiley:
Ford, I'll take her with me, I swear I will.

Smiley:
'ello, 'ello.

Ford Fairlane:
[to Smiley] 'ello, 'ello... f***face!

Smiley:
You're breaking me heart... What's the point?

Smiley:
Oh, no thanks, I've got me own.

Ford Fairlane:
I almost sh*t a Miata.

Ford Fairelaine:
What the f*** is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head.

Ford Fairlane:
What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

Ford Fairlane:
I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish.

Ford Fairlane:
What... you didn't really think we'd kill the f***in' koala bear, now did ya?

Julian Grendel:
My mother used to say..."If you can't say something nice about someone, make sure they're out of the goddamn room!"

Ford Fairelaine:
[Ford is looking at a Colleen Sutton and Johnny Crunch pornographic video] I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no sh*t, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's f***ing barking.

Ford Fairlane:
1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherf***ing genius, Jimi Hendrix.

Slam the Rapper:
You stupid Sal's Pizza garlic-breath smellin' motherf***er. Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

[being frisked by security guard]

Ford Fairlane:
Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too MUCH.

[kicks him in the face]

Ford Fairlane:
I'll be at Julie Grendel's. I want to see if he knows what a hoo-er thief his ex piece-of-sh*t wife is.

[after knocking a villain off a building onto a piano]

Ford Fairlane:
Say hello to Liberace, a**hole!

[Zuzu is hanging from a building]

Ford Fairlane:
It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it.

Don Cleveland:
You got to shave before you leave the house in a dress like that... and I don't mean your legs.

Ford Fairlane:
You guys a band?

Punk Gunslinger:
Yeah, sure.

Ford Fairlane:
You got a name?

Punk Gunslinger:
Yeah... pain.

Ford Fairlane:
Kooky.

Smiley:
[after Ford Fairlane's gun lands in his car] No thanks! I've got me own!

As two half-naked women (twins?) who just had sex with Ford rush by him clutching their clothes, one of the ladies whines "We just wanted to be held." Ford Fairlane's quick comeback was "You got the BONUS Plan!"

~ 1966 Fairlane Fanatic

Queen Colleen . . . where's my Queen Colleen, I can't work without my Queen Colleen!