The Adventures of Shirley Holmes

[first lines over opening credits]

[Shirley reads a message she found hidden in a family heirloom]

Voice of Sherlock Holmes:
To the holder of this letter, my commendations. Solving the puzzle of the chest required more than considerable deductive powers. My work has consumed my life and I have produced no heir to follow in my path, but I picture you a young man of good imagination. Any mystery devised by mortal minds can be solved therewith. Yours faithfully, Sherlock Holmes.

Bo Sawchuk:
He hurt that little kid!

Shirley Holmes:
He's using them to steal for him.

Bo Sawchuk:
Yeah! If he did it himself, he'd get busted. They're too young to go to jail. We have to shut them down.

Shirley Holmes:
By getting evidence that he's the guilty one, not them.

Bo Sawchuk:
You've got some twisted plan, don't you?

[Shirley gives Bo a knowing smile]

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, my mistake was trying to get into the gang by taking something from Pocket. I have to give him something.

Bo Sawchuk:
Oh, yeah? How about eight to ten years without parole?

[explaining to Shirley how their gang of thieves operates]

Babyfingers:
People tell us what they want and we go shopping for them.

Shirley Holmes:
You're taking Mrs. Swanson? Won't she mind?

Babyfingers:
No - she's dead.

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, you have to find out where the heist is. It's got to be at a morgue or a funeral home. I saw an architect on the building plans. We need the address. We'll start with him - a Mr. Blech.

Bo Sawchuk:
How do you spell that?

Shirley Holmes:
Like "Yech" but with a "Blah".

[from their hiding place, Shirley and Bo listen to the police detective brag about breaking up the gang of thieves single-handed]

Inspector Tremain:
...Theft, receiving and possession of stolen goods. It's an open and shut cae. I got tape on him. Been tailing him for weeks. Tremain out.

Bo Sawchuk:
Trailing him? Tremain doesn't even know where Pockets lives.

Shirley Holmes:
I left the address on his dash.

[listening to a news report about alien abductions]

Peggy Holmes:
Idiots!

Shirley Holmes:
The police?

Peggy Holmes:
The aliens! Why bother with all these silly abductions when thousands of people would give their right arms to go. They could sell tickets!

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Archaeologists believe the Great Pyramid was built by slaves as a grand tomb for the pharaoh... but they're wrong! The Great Pyramid was, in fact, built by beings from another galaxy - extraterrestrials.

Mr. Howie:
Is this your idea of a joke, Mr. James?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I've done tons of research. The Egyptians even drew pictures of their sun god flying around ina spacecraft.

Mr. Howie:
Sit down, Bart. This is a history class, not a Star Trek convention.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You don't actually believe little green buys are running around Reddington snatching people, do you?

Shirley Holmes:
Little gray guys. I'd be careful with that petrified mammoth dung. Very rare.

Shirley Holmes:
What happened last night?

Alan Brooks:
What are you, a baby cop?

Shirley Holmes:
I need to know about implants.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Oh, they're tracking devices. They usually look like tiny ball bearings, often found up the abductee's nose; sometimes in the neck.

Shirley Holmes:
When an abductee has one, does that mean that the aliens are going to come back for him?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Possibly. There've been reports of double, even triple, abductees. Some people have all the luck.

Mr. Howie:
Miss Holmes, what are you doing in my car?

Shirley Holmes:
I just found it more efficient than following you on my bike.

Shirley Holmes:
Is all this security necessary?

Robert Holmes:
Peace making can be dangerous business.

Shirley Holmes:
The night after a construction worker wsa found unconcious, there was a break-in at the demolition site where he worked and detonators were stolen.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So?

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, last night Mr. Howie broke into where he works and tried to steal ammonium hydroxide.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So... the aliens are trying to make a bomb?

Shirley Holmes:
Exactly.

Mr. Howie:
Miss Holmes, you're starting to sound like Bart.

Shirley Holmes:
Do you believe me or do you think you're crazy?

Mr. Howie:
It is alien isn't it? I was abducted.

Shirley Holmes:
You're half right, Mr. Howie. You were abducted - but not by aliens.

[Mr. Howie examines the implant under a magnifying glass]

Mr. Howie:
Made in... Taiwan.

Shirley Holmes:
Your breathing exercises are unique to say the least.

Mr. Howie:
It's a relaxation technique - part of my therapy for... kinderphobia.

Shirley Holmes:
Kinderphobia?

Mr. Howie:
Fear of... children.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So you made her think she was hypnotizing you and then you defused the bomb.

Shirley Holmes:
Let's just say Gram's tai-chi lessons finally paid off. My mind was being controlled - *by me*.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] In a way, I'm disappointed that real aliens weren't involved. Something happened to Alan Brooks two years ago - something nobody can explain. But as we all know, when you've eliminated whatever is impossible, what remains, however unlikely, must be the truth.

[Shirley suddenly spots the mark of an implant on her grandmother's neck]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What are you doing here?

Shirley Holmes:
Simple deduction after I noticed the smell of horse dung on your shirt.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What shirt?

Shirley Holmes:
The one in your locker.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You broke into my locker!

Shirley Holmes:
Yeaaah.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Rudy's racing Blazing Star. The odds are 12-1, but he figures he's going to win.

Shirley Holmes:
How can he be sure?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Well, Rudy knows that horse. He figures it's a sure thing.

Shirley Holmes:
Nothing is a sure thing. That's why they call it... gambling.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I'll tell you, March thought Blazing Star was washed up after tendonitis last year, but Rudy had faith in him.

Shirley Holmes:
And you had faith in Rudy.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So you're admitting you're wrong.

Shirley Holmes:
The word "wrong" connotes a certain...

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You're unbelievable.

Shirley Holmes:
So, does it feel good being back on the team?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Mostly. Ow!

Shirley Holmes:
What did your parents say when you told them how you got the money?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
First, "Thanks".

Shirley Holmes:
And second?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
And second - I think I'm pretty much grounded for life.

Shirley Holmes:
Who would leave a baby on your doorstep?

Mr. Howie:
That is the question of the hour, Miss Holmes

[Shirley reads the note that accompanied the baby left on Mr. Howie's doorstep]

Shirley Holmes:
"Don't go to the police. We can only trust you."

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
It's got to be somebody you know, sir.

Mr. Howie:
Impossible. I make it a point to avoid acquaintances en famille. Infants and I don't mix.

Shirley Holmes:
This was written in a hurry. He left the baby in a hurry, too, meaning they were afraid they were being followed. It is a conundrum. You're not supposed to go to the police, but if you don't you could be accused of being a kidnapper.

Mr. Howie:
Why me?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Ok, we have six diapers, three outfits, formula - a couple of bottles, infant cereal and some teething biscuits.

Shirley Holmes:
Enough supply for a couple of days.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What? Are you kidding me? This stuff would last a day at most. All babies do is poo, pee and puke.

Shirley Holmes:
Since when are you the baby expert?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hey, when you've got six cousins all younger than you, ya tend to pick up a thing or two.

[Shirley pokes and prods the baby]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hey! He's a baby, not a canteloupe.

Shirley Holmes:
He's evidence.

[Shirley considers the clues she's found in the baby's basket that might lead to his parents]

Shirley Holmes:
Sawdust? Grease paint, red wig, sawdust... Of course!

[while searching through the circus' baggage tent, Shirley and Bo find a clown's huge baby props]

Shirley Holmes:
Well, it's baby stuff.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Yeah - mutant baby stuff.

Mr. Howie:
I fear I'm simply not surrogate parent material.

Psychic Susan:
You didn't take him to 333 West Arnott?

Giggles:
I thought you said 333 East Arnott!

Psychic Susan:
Oh, Ted.

Giggles:
You're the psychic. Why didn't you warn me?

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, I called the hospital. The band "Oath" replaced - they all came down with food poisoning.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What? You were on the phone checking out the other band while Zack was playing?

Shirley Holmes:
Yeah. Don't you find it strange that Zack didn't know about it?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No!

Molly Hardy:
What's strange is that you prefer ecoli bacteria to having fun.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Ever since you got on this dance committee you've undergone some sort of evil mutation.

Alicia Gianelli:
Listen, Bart, if you can't work under people then you shouldn't have volunteered to help.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
"Volunteer" implies free will. It was either this or a week of detentions.

Alicia Gianelli:
Maybe the detention option is still open.

Shirley Holmes:
There's something really strange, though. Zack knew yesterday "Oath" was going to be playing here.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Why is that strange?

Shirley Holmes:
The D.J.'s equipment wasn't stolen until last night. That's the second accident.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hey, Shirley, you're right. Something big's going down and don't say, "I told you so."

[Zack had a motorcycle accident while listening to a recording of "Power" on his Walkman]

Shirley Holmes:
"Power" is the only 'Oath' song Zack didn't write and, the thing is, it's awful and Zack knows it.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So why would he be singing it?

Shirley Holmes:
Why is he *listening* to it?

Eddie:
Okay, "Oath" is the best, but it doesn't matter if no one hears us. He can get us heard.

Zack:
On his terms, man! And I can't accept them.

Alicia Gianelli:
How is he? We found out about the accident.

Molly Hardy:
How badly was he hurt?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Do you mean can he play at the school dance? No, he can't.

Zack:
I guess when you're selling your soul, you can't ask for it back.

[Stink, serving as the D.J. at the school dance, is playing music the kids hate]

Alicia Gianelli:
Do you believe there are times when murder is justified?

Molly Hardy:
Of course! Get somebody else to do it. Maybe a junior.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Next up - the conga!

Molly Hardy:
Anyway, there's no trail that leads to me, just to the actor and I have a little secret on him, so he'll never implicate me.

Shirley Holmes:
I will.

Molly Hardy:
And then I'll have to expose you. I'll put your face all over the internet. Your mysteries are what drives you, but if people recognize you everywhere you go, you're finished... aren't you? So, as usual, Holmes, just when you think you've caught me, I escape.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
I know, now that Molly's operating on the internet, she can spread her evil anywhere. I don't know how I can stop her, but I know I have to - whenever and wherever she shows up again.

[to the teen-aged Shirley Holmes]

Homeless Woman:
You cops just keep getting younger and younger.

[Shirley asks Bo to roll up his sleeves and pants to check for burns]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You're not just weird. You're sick!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What's your problem?

Shirley Holmes:
How long have you been in a gang?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I'm not in a gang.

Shirley Holmes:
Then how come you have a tattoo?

Shirley Holmes:
If you studied my appearance, you'd know why I was late - the same way I know you've never been to a private school before, that you live on the Southside, you work cleaning fish and you're color blind.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Lucky guesses.

Shirley Holmes:
Observation. You keep tugging at your tie.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So?

Shirley Holmes:
Well, if you'd been to a private school before, a tie'd be like a second skin. Bus transfer in your pocket - Bus 9, Southbank. You're wearing one green sock and one blue and your skin has a slight residual odor of marine life.

[Shirley and Bo are in after school detention]

Mrs. Fish:
Time's up, miscreants.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Has anyone ever told you you're weird?

Shirley Holmes:
Yep.

[admiring a portrait of Baker Street's most famous detective hanging in Shirley's room]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No way! It's Sherlock Holmes! Is he your...?

Shirley Holmes:
My great-great-uncle.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No wonder you're such a snoop.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So when's your wife coming back?

Robert Holmes:
My wife died three years ago.

[Shirley and Bo are about to be trapped in a building the gang is about to burn]

Shirley Holmes:
[to Bo] Don't let the door...!

[the only door to the room slams shut locking them inside]

Shirley Holmes:
...close.

[as the fire creeps closer to the room where she and Bo are held prisoner, Shirley desperately tries to pick the door lock]

Shirley Holmes:
No way they're going to turn us into crispy creatures!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
It's critters.

[after Shirley and Bo have escaped from the burning building]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You smell like smoke. I'd say your dad was barbequeing steak for supper. Not to mention you're full of soot from cleaning the chimney.

[Bo plucks sawdust from Shirley's hair]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
This was on the bottom of a hamster's cage.

Shirley Holmes:
You're catching on.

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] I like to keep a low profile. It's simpler that way.

[last lines]

[Shirley is writing in her journal]

Shirley Holmes:
So the perpetrators were caught. Now, Bo can get back to more important things, like learning how to deal with Miss Stretmann. You'd like Bo, Mom. He fights for what he believes in, like you.

Bart James:
It's a signal! It's the real thing from outer space! Dr. Henry, we've got to report it.

Dr. O. Henry:
Meaningless noises.

Bart James:
It's the real thing!

Dr. O. Henry:
Go home, you're fired.

Shirley Holmes:
You're shirt's buttoned wrong, you didn't finish your onion rings and you left a tip for Alicia. What's up?

Bo Sawchuk:
You better tell her. She's going to find out anyway.

Bart James:
Okay, it was me. I commandeered the satellite dishes. I made everybody miss their programs. I'm sorry - I was just trying to get the signal again.

Bo Sawchuk:
What signal?

Bart James:
The signal from outer space.

Bart James:
The laws of probability state that there are over 10,000 technologically advanced civilizations across the Milky Way alone. We were doing a targeted search of the galaxy last night when we got the signal. Do you know what that means? We're not alone! There are other sentient beings in the Cosmos and I was there when they communicated with us.

Shirley Holmes:
And then?

Bart James:
Dr. Henry fired me.

Bo Sawchuk:
Hey, he rules for an old guy.

Bo Sawchuk:
Making rap music...

Bo Sawchuk:
Everybody dreams of being a rock star at one point.

[looking through her binoculars, Shirley scopes out Dr. Henry's office]

Shirley Holmes:
He has a Ph.D. from M.I.T., an award of merit from NASA, space monitoring equipment... and a drawerful of of empty candy bar wrappers.

Shirley Holmes:
He's transmitting.

Bo Sawchuk:
What? Rap music?

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, he's bouncing it off the Russian space station!

Bo Sawchuk:
So, he's a nutbar.

Shirley Holmes:
Maybe, but he's no ordinary nutbar or federal agents wouldn't be after him.

Bart James:
It's seriously coded. I can't read it.

Shirley Holmes:
We can't find Dr. Henry without the signal.

Bart James:
We can't crack the signal without Dr. Henry.

[after breaking into a building, the kids begin their search for Dr. Henry]

Bo Sawchuk:
I have a bad feeling about this.

Dr. O. Henry:
[to Bart] Be cool, Earth boy.

[last lines]

[Bo reads the decoded message]

Bo Sawchuk:
"It's a firm pick-up - 49 degrees 41 minutes North, 87 degrees..."

Shirley Holmes:
It's the latitude and longitude of Reddington. If Dr. Henry was picked up like he said... it wasn't being picked up in a car.

Bo Sawchuk:
"P.S. You're grounded"

Shirley Holmes:
Spies don't get grounded, but kids do.

Bo Sawchuk:
Whoa. You're saying we spent the last two days running around with a kid alien living in an old man's body?

Shirley Holmes:
I don't know what I'm saying.

Bo Sawchuk:
[to Bart] You know something you're not telling us, don't you?

Bart James:
Either you believe or you don't believe - it's that simple.

[Shirley bursts into the boy's lavatory]

Shirley Holmes:
Who screamed?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You don't have any boundaries, do you?

[Stink claims to have been bitten on his butt by a creature hiding in the toilet]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
It was alive! I swear it! Something with a green, slithering tail. Not only that, it bit me!

Shirley Holmes:
Let me see.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk, Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Shirley!

Shirley Holmes:
It's okay, Stink. We'll get to the bottom of this - no pun intended.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Albino alligators.

Shirley Holmes:
The urban myth.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Myth? Fact! People buy baby alligators as pets. When they get sick of them, they flush them down the toilet. The only problem is... they don't die. They breed in the sewage system. Without sun they become albino and with lots of garbage to eat, they reach huge proportions!

Alicia Gianelli:
Come on - overgrown reptiles in the pipes?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Do you have a better explanation?

[Sussex Academy's cook claims that giant rats are stealing her salamis]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Giant rats? I like it! Adds a nice little twist to albino alligators.

[Bo examines a chewed-on roll of salami]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hey, look! It's got awful taste. I would have picked eggs over salami any day. Of course, if it eats meat, it could also eat...

[a girl screams in the distance]

Shirley Holmes:
Alicia!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Okay, there's definitely something down there, but what?

Shirley Holmes:
I don't know, but until we find out, we'd better keep this under wraps. The last thing we want to do is create a public panic.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Too late.

[Shirley and Bo see a long line of Sussex Academy students have lined up to use Stink's portable toilets]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
That's five bucks.

Parker:
You said two!

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
It's your choice, man. You can always use the boys' can. Say "hi" to the Sussex Serpent for me.

[Shirley and Bo are trying to locate the sea monster using a portable sonar device]

Shirley Holmes:
Why do you think that thing's stopping and starting like that for?

Shirley Holmes:
I don't know, but it's at least 20 feet long!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Um, Shirley, something I've been meaning to ask you... What if this thing is meat eating like the one in Sussex?

[Shirley spots a large object in the water swimming rapidly towards their rubber raft]

Shirley Holmes:
Hold on!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Nice sea monster...

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I thought he sounded... sad.

Shirley Holmes:
Hardly surprising.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What do you mean?

Shirley Holmes:
You'd be sad, too, if your baby was suck in the Sussex storm sewers. I think it's his mother!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
We have to get the baby free before word gets out about it! It's only a matter of time before someone figures out a way to sell tickets.

Shirley Holmes:
We'll set it free... as soon as we find out what it is.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley, it already knows what it is.

Shirley Holmes:
We owe it to science to identify it.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You're just as bad as Stink and that tour captain. It's just that everyone is cashing in on the creatures. How about thinking about what's best for them?

Shirley Holmes:
If we could just get this grate off, the baby could just jump into the river.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
It's a pretty big river. How's it supposed to find it's mom?

[Shirley plays her recording of the creature's cry]

Shirley Holmes:
Maybe we'll just have to help its mom find it.

[Shirley and Bo see the tour boat captain enter Sussex Academy's storm sewers]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
He's after the baby!

Shirley Holmes:
If people are willing to pay for a chance to see the mother in the river, imagine what they would pay to see the baby in captivity! You carry on with the plan. I'll arrange a distraction for Captain Fastbuck.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Okay, guys, let's not be so hasty. Maybe the baby cryptid likes living in the pipes.

Alicia Gianelli:
I thought you of all people would want to get rid of it.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Yeah, but I got - I got some more portapotties on order.

Shirley Holmes:
We all have to make sacrifices, Stink.

Alicia Gianelli:
Why me?

Shirley Holmes:
Alicia, Bo's down in the storm sewers. I need someone up here to help me.

Alicia Gianelli:
Yeah, I know, but... why me?

Shirley Holmes:
Alicia, you know how hard it is to be separated from a loved one. I mean, why else would you have snuck out to meet Bobby Gallagher on Tuesday night... after curfew.

Alicia Gianelli:
Shirley, that's blackmail!

Shirley Holmes:
Yeah - it is.

[last lines]

Alicia Gianelli:
I wish we didn't have to keep the cryptids such a big secret.

Shirley Holmes:
If people know they're out there, they won't have a hope of getting back to the ocean.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I wonder how many of them there are.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
At least three. If there's a mom and a baby, there's usually a dad.

Shirley Holmes:
Who knows? There may even be more babies.

[first lines]

Shirley Holmes:
Alicia invited me to a native ceremony where the museum was returning the bones of native warriors to their people. It was a rare opportunity to experience the sights and sounds and smells of a sacred ceremony.

[a masked Native-American dancer leaps around the ceremonial circle to honor the reinternment of warriors' bones]

Shirley Holmes:
It was Coyote, the spirit who teaches lessons by using pranks and jokes, but it looked to me like he'd just stolen Box B98.

Shirley Holmes:
Who played "Coyote"?

Mac:
I don't know, but you better not mess with him.

Shirley Holmes:
Why not?

Mac:
Because he'll use his tricks on you.

Keith Jackson:
Nikki's an apple - red on the outside, white on the inside.

Shirley Holmes:
Alicia, we're friends!

Alicia Gianelli:
You're too obsessed to have friends.

[Shirley translates a message using a dictionary of Native American languages]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So, what does the message say?

Shirley Holmes:
According to this - good weather.

[Shirley shows Mac the message in an Native American tongue she found at the scene of the crime]

Mac:
Blue sky.

Shirley Holmes:
It's a weather report.

Mac:
You're thinking in a straight line.

[Mac shows Shirley a late-19th century picture of a Native American wearing a top hat and pince nez]

Mac:
Yep - this is Blue Sky.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] As for the animals that got in the way of my investigation...

[a crow drops a stone on Shirley's head]

Shirley Holmes:
...Mac might say Blue Sky's spirit guardian sent them and I would have to entertain that possibility, however remote.

Mr. Hoskins:
This dog has more priors than a ship has rats - running at large, barking at large, resisting animal control officers... This dog is a habitual offender.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Give me twenty-four hours.

Mr. Hoskins:
Look, son...

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Twenty-four hours - that's all I'm asking!

Mr. Hoskins:
All right, you have until 10 tomorrow.

[a young man is welding pieces of old lawn care machinery into an elaborate metal sculture]

Mrs. Trundel:
This is my grandson, Daniel. Very up and coming in the art world.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What is this?

Daniel Devine:
It's a study in pure form, uncluttered by the irrelevance of color. I call it, "Rusty Lawnmower".

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
That's what I would call it.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Guess what? I ran into Mrs. Johnson. Her cat came back this morning - Bailey, the calico. At least one Barf didn't kill.

Shirley Holmes:
But there's seven more missing. Do you notice a pattern?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
The ones that are left are all black or white. What are the odds of that?

Shirley Holmes:
Astronomical considering dogs don't see color. They see in black and white. Barf couldn't have known the difference.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Only a human could have.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
He's got at least 20 cats. What is he doing with all of them?

Shirley Holmes:
Whatever it is, he's not alone. There are two sets of handwriting on these papers. He has an accomplice, but who and why?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Has Cruella DeVil moved into Reddington recently?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Didn't you tell me you gave him his own credit card?

Frank Patterson:
Yeah. When it comes to spending, cash is for amateurs.

[Shirley proves Hoskins has falsely accused Barf of killing the cats to cover his own catnapping activities]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Guys! Guys! Don't fight. You make such a good team - he makes the art; you do the framing.

[passing out party treats]

Frank Patterson:
All those in favor, say "Aye... ball".

Shirley Holmes:
This is where you found the brain hat?

Bart James:
It was closer to the lane side.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Come on, Shirley, the party's over. Sterling's just being a goof.

Shirley Holmes:
Stink wouldn't voluntarily miss cake.

Bart James:
Did you taste it?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Wait a second - Stink can fake footprints.

Shirley Holmes:
Why would be bother?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Because he knows exactly how to yank your chain.

Bart James:
Don't be embarrassed, Shirley. I've come to realize that gullability is a sign of superior moral character.

[Shirley and Bo search Stink's messy room for clues]

Shirley Holmes:
Nothing seems to be missing.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
How can you tell?

[Shirley tells Bo a series of bad jokes]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley, do the world a favor - stick to being a Holmes.

Shirley Holmes:
You're the third partner at Laugh Riot!

Iris Patterson:
I divorced Frank, not the company.

[reading his poem about his birthday party]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Mom can't be here/What else is new/She's away on a business trip to Peru/Dad's throwing a party/Today at three/The guest of honor is him, not me.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] I wonder what Stink's gonna be like when he grows up - or is growing up optional for all of us?

Shirley Holmes:
So, this "Happy Valley" show when we were growing up... kids watched it every day - by choice?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Well, we were four years old. I can't believe you've never seen the show before this morning.

Shirley Holmes:
When I was four, we were posted in... Paris.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Man, you were really deprived.

Jenna Martini:
Are you all right?

Bill Marshall:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Jenna Martini:
Hey, what about me? I'm a sittin' duck in this fish suit.

Bill Marshall:
Bailey's the star, Rich.

Rudy Pike:
Kiss my gills, Jenna. If Bill didn't have this thing about live performance, we could retape or at least stop the camers.

Bill Marshall:
If it ain't live, it ain't livin', sweetheart.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Man, under that mask, Bubbles is a real jerk!

Shirley Holmes:
You were expecting a trout?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What are you looking for?

Shirley Holmes:
This! Somebody rigged this to the clamp so that the acid would drop out at a controlled rate and they could time precisely when the light would fall.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Who would want to do something like that?

[Shirley stares at Jenna, Bill and Rich who are throwing accusations at each other]

Shirley Holmes:
That's the question... isn't it?

Bill Marshall:
Jenna, you have to listen to them.

Jenna Martini:
Bailey, my sweet-sweet, I have to produce a daily show on a set that's falling apart. I have to work with Rudy because his contract is unbreakable. I have to hire writers who think we're producing the "Robo Rabbit" show because the network thinks they're hip, but I *don't* have to listen to a couple of kids who aren't even in our target audience!

Bill Marshall:
But they have proof that somebody rigged the light to fall - on purpose.

Jenna Martini:
You're not serious.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
[indicating Shirley] She's always serious.

Shirley Holmes:
Anybody who knew the script would know when to rig the light to fall so Bill and Bubbles wouldn't be under it.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So it must be somebody who worked here... but tons of people have copies of the script.

Shirley Holmes:
Means, motive and opportunity, Bo. We need to know who would have the know-how to rig the light. Have you ever considered a career in television?

Jenna Martini:
Rudy? I know he's jealous of Bill, but actually sabotage the set?

[Jenna mouths "I don't think so"]

Shirley Holmes:
He has the means and the motive. I suggest we remove his opportunity.

Jenna Martini:
[to Bo] Is she always like this?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Pretty much.

Jenna Martini:
Anne, I want you to tell Albert and Zoe to write Rudy out of tomorrow's show.

Anne:
Rudy's gonna want to know why.

Jenna Martini:
Oh, sure - because I said so! I don't want him anywhere near the set tomorrow, okay?

Rudy Pike:
Bill, I was shocked, shocked, when I heard.

Bill Marshall:
[to Jenna] What's he talking about?

Jenna Martini:
The network made some changes.

Rudy Pike:
Gotta go with the flow, man. Oh, my new producers and I will be on tomorrow with the "Cyber Valley" show starring Rudy Pike and Robo Rabbit. I do get top-billing, right?

[referring to the Happy Valley insect antennae that many Sussex Academy students are wearing]

Shirley Holmes:
Interesting example of the pop culture phenomenon.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
See, I told you the antennae were cool.

Shirley Holmes:
What makes something cool? How do you define that?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You can't. You just know if it's cool or it's not.

[Shirley wants to see the contents of Jenna's file cabinet]

Shirley Holmes:
It's locked!

[Shirley breaks off a toy insect antennae and uses it to pick the lock]

Shirley Holmes:
[to Bo] Hey, you're right. These are cool!

[last lines]

[the video of Bo's impromput appearance playing a watermelon on the "Cyber Valley" program has gone viral on the internet - much to his dismay]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] The one and only episode of the Cyber Valley show became a cult hit... in some quarters.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
When is that Y guy going to stop posting that stupid tape?

Shirley Holmes:
I guess when he decides it's not *cool* anymore.

[the Sussex Academy students watching the program howl with laughter]

Shirley Holmes:
It could be a while.

[Shirley places the "Happy Valley" insect safari antennae on Bo's head and smiles]

[first lines]

[Stink is telling a ghost story around a campfire late at night]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
There's gold in these woods and a curse on anyone who tries to find it.

Alicia Gianelli:
Anybody scaaaared yet?

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Legend has it there's a golden cave sacred to the Indians who first lived here. Two hundred years ago Horace Redding went looking for it... and never returned.

Molly Hardy:
Try harder, Stink. Nobody's buying.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Horace had a hook for a hand and black hole for a heart.

Ms. Stratmann:
You make him sound like a scoundrel, Mr. Patterson. I prefer to think of him as a gentleman adventurer.

Parker:
I thought he was a pirate.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
He was - that's how he got his hook. He was taken prisoner and cut off his own hand to escape his shackles.

Ms. Stratmann:
Well, that was long before he founded Reddington.

Ms. Stratmann:
People, I can assure you there is no gold and no ghost.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
That isn't what I heard! I heard he's still here, haunting these woods, looking for the gold.

Molly Hardy:
Look, you little wimp, I finished first in my last two qualifying races. All I need is one to make it to the World Orienteering Championships. So stop faking and start hiking!

Ms. Stratmann:
Come along, Mr. Parker.

Shirley Holmes:
It's okay, Parker. You go with Ms. Stratmann.

Molly Hardy:
When will you learn, Holmes, defying me is a dangerous game.

Shirley Holmes:
I don't play games, Molly - especially not your games.

Shirley Holmes:
This is where Parker fell. The path is smooth - not even a tree root. Something must have tripped him.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I told you - Horace's ghost!

Shirley Holmes:
Your ghost uses 40 pound test fishing line.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Fishing line?... Stink!

Shirley Holmes:
Maybe... Maybe not.

Shirley Holmes:
Somebody was waiting behind these trees for one of us to go to the latrine. They pulled the fishing line tight when Parker walked by.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
But Stink was with us!

Shirley Holmes:
Exactly.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Somebody else *is* here.

Shirley Holmes:
Somebody all too human.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Ante up. I put in a Reeses Pieces.

Alicia Gianelli:
I'll see your Reeses Pieces and raise you a Skor Bar.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
I'll see your Skor Bar. Play or fold, Sawchuck.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Molly Hardy:
I'm doing the 10K course - expert level. I should be back in a couple of hours.

Alicia Gianelli:
Whatever.

[as Molly disappears into the woods, Stink grabs his knapsack]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Well, boys and girls, duty calls. Slingshot, fairy tube, monster mask - an oldie but a goody.

Alicia Gianelli:
Stink, the day that you actually scare Molly, I'll kiss your toe.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Pucker up.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Alicia, you shouldn't take so many cards. The point of the game is not to go over 21.

Alicia Gianelli:
Ha, thank you. I can count, Bo.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
All right... Hey, you've got 3 twos and I've got 3 twos.

Alicia Gianelli:
He fixed the deck.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Ohhh.

Alicia Gianelli:
I'm going to get him and when I get him, I'm going to pulverize him!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No, Alicia, don't get mad - get even.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
A footprint!

Shirley Holmes:
This was made by a hobnailed boot.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Horace Redding would have worn hobnailed boots.

Shirley Holmes:
But I thought we agreed... *There is* - *no* - *ghost.*

Shirley Holmes:
This arrow points west. It's my guess whoever made that footprint made it for us to follow.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
This doesn't add up. First, he scared Parker half to death and now he leaves directions like he's trying to help us.

Shirley Holmes:
Or trick us.

Alicia Gianelli:
Bo, he had a hook!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Horace Redding died 200 years ago.

Alicia Gianelli:
Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse?

Shirley Holmes:
That moss was planted there. Look what's under it - a native pictogram.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
The sun inside... a teepee?

Shirley Holmes:
Or a mountain.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
The Golden Cave!

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Maybe the pictogram doesn't mean mountain.

Shirley Holmes:
Maybe the sun doesn't mean gold.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
So do you want some company?

Molly Hardy:
Not only are you delusional, you're demented. I'd get help.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Stink found Horace's hook.

Alicia Gianelli:
We found it, too, only when we found it, it was on the end of his arm.

[Shirley examines Horace's hook]

Shirley Holmes:
Patented in 1807. This is the real thing!

Alicia Gianelli:
It's official - I'm out of here. Has anyone seen Molly?

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
She's over that way.

Alicia Gianelli:
Well, let's get her and find the nearest exit!

Molly Hardy:
If I finish in the next five minutes, I should qualify no problem. The big wrinkle is somebody toasted weenies with file control point instructions.

Shirley Holmes:
I think I know where it is.

Molly Hardy, Ms. Stratmann:
Where?

Molly Hardy:
Look, Bart and I found the elk skull here. Stink found Homer's hook here. And the cave was...?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Ah, right around here.

Shirley Holmes:
Somebody has been scaring us to keep us away from that area.

Molly Hardy:
You think the file control point is in there?

Shirley Holmes:
Why else would they have burned the instructions.

Molly Hardy:
I'm goin' in!

[Molly stalks off into the brush]

Alicia Gianelli:
But what if the psycho's in there?

Shirley Holmes:
I'm counting on it, Alicia.

Shirley Holmes:
Who are you?

Harley Millstone:
Harley Millstone, Keeper of the Golden Cave.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] Harley Millstone still lives in the forest protecting a treasure more rare than gold itself.

[Shirley and Mr. Howie are attending a toga party at Sussex Academy]

Shirley Holmes:
Interesting look, Mr. Howie.

Arthur Howie:
Et tu, Miss Holmes?

Molly Hardy:
Birdwatching?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What are you doing here?

Shirley Holmes:
Molly has her own perverse resons for wanting Ms. Stratmann to stay. If Kemp becomes principal, it's game over for her.

Molly Hardy:
Please. The game is only over when I say it is.

[Bo rejects Shirley's diagnosis of hypomania when he sees his school's principal walking hand in hand with a good-looking middle-aged man]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hypomania, a gradual onset of 10 to 14 days? Oh, man.

Shirley Holmes:
What?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley, she's leaving Sussex because she's got a guy.

Molly Hardy:
An old guy - but a guy.

Brian:
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard and it was full of money. When she sells, Stratmann will be wroth a quarter of a million.

[Shirley and Bo listen to Kemp's conversation on their hidden microphone]

Brian:
[to Judith] They got what they deserved - the man of their dreams.

Shirley Holmes:
[to Bo] More like their nightmares.

[Shirley is trying to locate Kemp's alter ego in a cyber-romance chat group]

Shirley Holmes:
Bo! The Man of Your Dreams - it's him!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Answer him.

Shirley Holmes:
What do I say?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I don't know. Flirt with him... Quickly! We're going to lose him.

[Looking over Shirley shoulder, Bo reads her intended response off her computer screen]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
"What do you think of recent quantum theories of singularity?" No! You can't send that!

Shirley Holmes:
We need help.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
Of all the mysteries I've investigated, love is the most perplexing. What makes rational people willingly relinquish their sanity? It beats me, but one thing's for sure - it's never going to happen to me.

[Shirley smiles shyly at Bo when he gallantly holds the school door open for her]

Robert Holmes:
Jack, he's been parked outside since yesterday.

Jack:
Shepherd thinks his own mother's a spy. All I know is I put the decoder in your safe.

Robert Holmes:
Well, I'm sure he suspects you and I of stealing it - some nefarious plot to sell it to... well, whoever the bad guy is this month. In the right hands it could be worth millions. I could take all that money and buy a sports car like yours.

Jack:
What? An old man like you?

Shepherd:
You've never seen those names before?

Robert Holmes:
No.

Shepherd:
Hmmm. Well, they were found in your desk. I got permission from the ambassador to search your office - and Jack's.

Robert Holmes:
I am an Oxford graduate, you know. I'm not entirely dim. If I had stolen the decoder, do you think I would keep a list of the people I could sell it to in my office?

Bo Sawchuk:
You're saying Shepherd wants to frame your dad?

Shirley Holmes:
Shepherd's job is on the line if he doesn't arrest someone. He hasn't found the real culprit, so he could be setting up my dad to save his own hide.

Bo Sawchuk:
Yeah, but he's a spy catcher, not a spy.

Shirley Holmes:
You need to think like one to catch one.

Shirley Holmes:
I've ruled out all the possible fibers left normally by us.

Bo Sawchuk:
Maybe he wasn't wearing any clothes.

Shirley Holmes:
He's a spy, not a weirdo. There's no fibers, no footprints, no fingerprints on the linen closet. This guy gets in and out without leaving any trace.

Bo Sawchuk:
Why would Shepherd put a sheet on your dollhouse?

Shirley Holmes:
I don't know. Maybe he's an expert in psychological manipulation. Except he's made one mistake.

Bo Sawchuk:
What's that?

Shirley Holmes:
Underestimating me.

Shirley Holmes:
Sorry, Watson, you're staying in tonight. Would you rather bring a master spy to his knees or chase Mrs. Hughley's cat?

[Watson whines at the door]

Shirley Holmes:
Figures. Chase the cat.

Bo Sawchuk:
I still don't get why he's doing all this weird stuff with the bird.

Shirley Holmes:
Some analysts say when you dream about a bird, you're going to get a letter. A dead bird means a coded or unreadable document - the connection to the decoder key.

Shirley Holmes:
Nothing but my left thumb print. I found my left fingerprints on the linen closet.

Bo Sawchuk:
So what? You live here. Your fingerprints are everywhere.

Shirley Holmes:
I'm right-handed. Bo, there's only one person who knew about the hidden staircase, who knew where the camera was, who had the motive, means and opportunity to break into this house.

Bo Sawchuk:
Who?

Shirley Holmes:
Me.

Shirley Holmes:
Maybe my unconscious self was sending messages to my conscious self - the bird, the sheet, the dagger...

Bo Sawchuk:
You carried them all with your...

Shirley Holmes, Bo Sawchuk:
...left hand.

Robert Holmes:
You will tell the ambassador we were all bested by a 12-year-old girl.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
And I found out that, like the staircase and the safe, my mind holds many secrets.

[first lines]

Shirley Holmes:
Roll over. Please roll over. Roll over. Roll over. Please roll over. Come on. Come on. Roll over.

[Shirley gives Watson, her basset hound, a treat, which he promptly eats and then ignores her]

Shirley Holmes:
Cheater.

[the police inspector spots Shirley at the scene of the break-in]

Inspector Marquee:
Haven't I seen you before?

Shirley Holmes:
No. I have that kind of face.

Pete:
Look, kid, I got a few things on my mind, like being robbed by a whacko.

Shirley Holmes:
Whacko?

Pete:
Who takes two angel fish, one from the male tank and one from the female? Who takes 14 canaries and then leaves the rest?

Pete:
For 15 years I've been straight as an arrow and then Mr. More-Money-Than-Brains walks in. I tried to talk him into an iguana or maybe a little savannah. No, no, he had to have it! He had to have a komodo dragon.

[Bo and Shirley have once again failed to successfully follow Olivia]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Man, she's like the White Rabbit - always disappearing.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You know my theory? I think those pigeons found out there's a better place to live then behind chicken wire.

[reading a Bible verse Abe has tacked to his wall]

Shirley Holmes:
"Of fowls of the air by sevens - the male and the female." That's why he's been taking 14 birds!

Shirley Holmes:
Your code names - they're anagrams, aren't they?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Anagrams?

Shirley Holmes:
If you jumble the letters, Olivia Mansel is I Love Animals. Emmet Darrius is...

Jarrod:
Meat Is Murder.

Shirley Holmes:
And Ian Holn is I Am Noah.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
This guy thinks he's Noah?

Shirley Holmes:
And he's turning one of those boats into an ark.

Jarrod:
Why does he need Amy?

Shirley Holmes:
Two by two, Emmet. Everyone on the Ark needs a mate.

[Shirley, Bo and Jarrod climb onto the deck of Abe's ark and discover the boat is overrun by rabbits]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Hey, do you think Noah ever had this problem?

Abe:
Sorry. Sorry, but the rains are coming and our task is not yet done!

Jarrod:
Abe, there's not going to be a flood!

[Shirley and Bo blast Abe with water from a high pressure hose]

Jarrod:
My mistake.

Olivia:
Thanks. You guys deserve veggie brugers for a month.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Thanks, but *we* like to keep a low profile.

[Olivia pulls a stick of meat from Jarrod's pocket]

Olivia:
Pepperoni?

Jarrod:
Yeah, well, when I thought you left me, I lost it.

Olivia:
Jarrod, you meathead.

[Olivia and Jarrod embrace]

[Shirley demonstrates to her dog the proper technique of rolling over]

Shirley Holmes:
You can do it. I know you can. See, Watson, it's that simple. He just doesn't get it.

Peggy Holmes:
On the contrary, I think he knows exactly what you're saying to him.

Shirley Holmes:
Then why won't he do it?

Peggy Holmes:
My dear, if someone told you to roll over or play dead... would you do it?

[last lines]

[writing to her mother]

Shirley Holmes:
I don't think Watson would do well as one of Abe's liberated beasts. Where would he go and who would wash his ears? Abe's fever is down and he doesn't think he's Noah anymore. The doctor says he has an illness called depression. Amy says Abe will always follow his own special path, but he needs some taking care of... kind of like Watson.

[Molly's friends warn her of the mysterious disappearence and probable death of the last Sussex student that entered an international piano competition]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
No, it's true. There really was a Maestro Vespemi here at Sussex.

Alicia Gianelli:
My mom said when she lived in the dorm, at night she could hear poor Maggie crying up in the attic.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Nobody knows exactly how either of them died.

Molly Hardy:
Yeah? Well, next time you're communing with the maestro, give him a message from me. I'm going to win the gold medal, but I'm not sharing it with any ghost!

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Don't say we didn't warn you.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Cool! Ectoplasm!

Shirley Holmes:
Ectoplasm?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Typical residue of a paranormal event.

[Molly discovers someone has replaced her sheet music with a copy of Beethoven's "Fur Elise"]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Fur Elise? That's what the Maestro's ghost played.

Molly Hardy:
Nice try, little worm.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
It isn't mine. I don't do classical.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Unrequited love is so pathetic.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
If Stink didn't do it, who did? I think we should dust for ghost prints!

Shirley Holmes:
You set all this up just to fool me? Thanks!

Molly Hardy:
Don't mention it.

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] Bo and I agreed to keep Molly's secret - after all, why ruin a perfectly good ghost story. But I realized, perhaps too late, that being nice to Molly is a dangerous thing. Somehow, I didn't think that she's ever going to forgive me.

[first lines]

[Bart is furiously typing on his computer when it shuts down]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Shoot!

[the electronic gadgets in Bart's room go haywire, then everything goes dark]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Hello?

[a message suddenly appears on Bart's computer screen that reads, "Bartholomew... I'm back"]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Cool.

Alicia Gianelli:
Come on, Bart. Spill!

Parker:
Yeah, what's up?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
All right, if you insist. It's a poltergeist.

Alicia Gianelli:
What?

Parker:
Do you mean you rented the movie?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
No! I mean I have my very own poltergeist.

Alicia Gianelli:
Stink's going to be sorry he missed this one.

Shirley Holmes:
You're serious?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Dead! I've got the whole shebang - moving objects, strange noises... textbook poltergeist behavior.

Bo Sawchuk:
Bart, you need to get out more.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Be there or be square.

Alicia Gianelli:
And you said Bart would never get a ghoulfriend.

Bo Sawchuk:
What are you doing?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I'm documenting evidence. I'm preparing a full report of my poltergeist for the Reddington Paranormal Society.

Bo Sawchuk:
Whoa. There's a whole society of paranormals?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
You've lived a sheltered existence, Bo.

[Bart is recording the paranormal goings on at his birthday party]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
9:10 p.m. - U.F.O.

Shirley Holmes:
U.F.O.?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Unassisted Flying Object.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Poltergeists are fun, but a dog would be less maintenance.

Shirley Holmes:
Poltergeist activity has been recorded as far back as written records. Titus Maccius Plautus...

Bo Sawchuk:
...Oh yeah - him...

Shirley Holmes:
...recorded poltergeist-like phenomenon in 200 B.C.

Bo Sawchuk:
Yeah, but they also believed the world was flat back then.

[referring to the home remodeler the James's have hired]

Bo Sawchuk:
Where did your parents find him? Creeps for Hire?

Shirley Holmes:
Are these all the U.F.O.s?

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Yep. What are you expecting to find?

Shirley Holmes:
I won't know until I find it.

[Bo has fallen through a trap door into a secret room]

Bo Sawchuk:
Shirley, if you're up there... whose hand is this?

[Adam Quincy smashes through the wall of the secret room with an axe]

Adam Quincy:
What are you kids doing? It's dangerous down here.

Bo Sawchuk:
No kidding.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You must be Joey; I'm Bo. For a second there, she thought I was you.

Imposter Joey:
Yeah, well, the elevator doesn't stop at every floor, if you know what I mean.

Imposter Joey:
Mother, you're acting crazy.

Irene:
Why not? You'll just have to get used to me again.

Imposter Joey:
You keep shoes in the fridge, you cha-cha with some kid. When I walked though the door yesterday, you didn't even recognize me. I'd call that crazy.

Irene:
What kind of tea do you want?

Imposter Joey:
Forget the tea! Think where it might be. It's half a million bucks. If we don't find it, we'll lose the house and you'll have to go to that old folks home.

Irene:
Hello, dear. Is this your girlfriend?

Shirley Holmes, Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
He said he'd been in Florida.

Shirley Holmes:
He hasn't been near the sun. He's sallow, possibly malnourished, his clothes are years out of date. He doesn't even know you can't put a metal pot in the microwave... Bo, he's been in jail!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Christmas in July - and we though Irene was crazy.

Shirley Holmes:
You shared a cell with Joey Babbage, didn't you? That's how you found out about the diamonds!

Imposter Joey:
Confession's not my style, kid.

[Shirley tries to buy a cake with diamonds baked inside]

Shirley Holmes:
I'd like to buy Number 6, please.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Mm-mmm!

Shirley Holmes:
What?

[Bo spits out a diamond]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
We'd like to buy Number 4.

Shirley Holmes:
And you kept right on eating to fake out the imposter.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
*Oh yeah.*

Shirley Holmes:
Excellent!

Joey Babbage:
You the kid that gave back the diamonds?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Uhh, yeah.

Joey Babbage:
Do you know what they were worth?

[Bo nods]

Joey Babbage:
Ow. I guess I won't miss what I never had.

[last lines]

Irene:
[referring to Shirley] You know, I like your friend. She's a bit daffy...

Joey Babbage:
Come on, Mom. They're going to start without us.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Later.

Shirley Holmes:
I'm sorry about Sir Edward dying.

Peggy Holmes:
The ancient Egyptians believed that the Ka, the conscience, lingered in the land of the living after death.

Chester Stebbings:
Our father left a statement that he requested we read. Reg...

Reg Stebbings:
[reading] "Be gracious to me and remove all anger that is in your heart against me. Death is welcome if the curse dies with me."

Peggy Holmes:
Did you feel that? That tremor?

Reg Stebbings:
There have been rumors for years that he stashed a fortune in stolen Egyptian artifacts.

Peggy Holmes:
I'm afraid you sadly underestimate your father's character.

Reg Stebbings:
He gave you the toy and he was just about to tell you where the rest of it was when he... you know. Don't think for a moment that Chester and I are going to allow you to be sole beneficiary.

Peggy Holmes:
Your father spent the last years alone and neglected! I suggest we all spend some time thinking about that.

Shirley Holmes:
What curse was he talking about?

Chester Stebbings:
What?

Shirley Holmes:
Your father - did he think he was cursed?

Chester Stebbings:
Only by nosy children.

Reg Stebbings:
That floozy is playing us for idiots!

Chester Stebbings:
Are you calling me an idiot?

[Shirley is trying to break into Sir Edward's house]

Bo Sawchuk:
No way. It's stunts like this that landed me in a monkey suit at Sussex.

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, those men accused my grandmother of being a thief and a floozy. Are you in or not?

[Bo breaks the door lock]

[Bo and Shirley emerge from a tiny dumbwaiter]

Bo Sawchuk:
If we ever do that again - and I hope we don't - I just have one request. Lay off the garlic at lunch.

Shirley Holmes:
Ha. Ha.

[Shirley is analyzing the special tea her grandmother has been drinking]

Shirley Holmes:
This stuff isn't like any other tea I've ever seen before.

Bo Sawchuk:
You think maybe those guys slipped something into it?

Shirley Holmes:
Wouldn't put it past them. And it would explain why she's been so...

Bo Sawchuk:
Nuts?

Bo Sawchuk:
Well, maybe it's not even the tea. There's an article in here on Sir Edward Stebbings and the tomb of Amenhaten.

Shirley Holmes:
The Boy King - his most famous find. Gran was with him.

Bo Sawchuk:
She was?

Shirley Holmes:
Yeah, why?

Bo Sawchuk:
But it says here there was a curse on anyone who distrubed the tomb and... their families, too.

Bo Sawchuk:
I can't believe I'm graverobbing.

Shirley Holmes:
Sir Edward was the graverobber. We're rescuing what he robbed.

[reading a gravestone covered with hieroglyphics]

Shirley Holmes:
The dates are in English. Born 1964...

Bo Sawchuk:
Died in 1952?

Shirley Holmes, Bo Sawchuk:
B.C.!

Peggy Holmes:
Amenhaten! Edward spent half his life searching for the Boy King and the other half hiding him.

Reg Stebbings:
[to Chester] See if you can get a charter flight to Cairo - cheaper that way. Although maybe we could arrange to put it on display for a few weeks for a modest admission fee.

[the room containing Amenhaten's sarcophagus suddenly shakes violently]

Reg Stebbings:
Maybe not.

[last lines]

[Shirley puts Amenhaten's toy in a packing case addressed to the Egyptian National Museum in Cairo]

Shirley Holmes:
I prefer to think of Amenhaten, not as a mummy or a king, but as Sir Edward saw him - a 12-year old boy. The ancient Egyptians believe the next word is as real as this one. If that's true, Amenhaten will be needing this wherever he is.

[first lines]

Robert Holmes:
Yes?

Pierre:
Is Dr. Holmes at home?

Robert Holmes:
Doc... My wife is dead.

[the visitor hands Robert a stethoscope and leaves]

Shirley Holmes:
What does it say?

Robert Holmes:
Dr. Joanna Holmes.

Shirley Holmes:
Where did you get that stethoscope? Did Dr. Holmes give it to you?

Pierre:
I'm sorry... I don't know.

Peggy Holmes:
We don't know anything about this man.

Robert Holmes:
I want you to forget about him.

Shirley Holmes:
Like you've forgotten about Mom?

[Shirley is angry that her father won't follow up on a possible lead to her mother's disappearence]

Robert Holmes:
I thought we agreed you'd make an effort to move away from this obsession.

Shirley Holmes:
Dad, they never found her body! There's no proof!

Robert Holmes:
Don't you think I tried to find her? I dind't want to believe it, either. I went to Rwanda. I went to every medical facility; I spent weeks following every lead. Shirley, I saw what was left of the camp she was working in. There were no survivors.

[Shirley's father has just ordered her to her room]

Robert Holmes:
Shirley!

Shirley Holmes:
Don't tell me - it's for my own good.

[Shirley is still grounded]

Bo Sawchuck:
Shirley, what's going on?

Shirley Holmes:
Nothing. I'll let you know when I get paroled.

Shirley Holmes:
If his name is Father Jean Baptiste, then what's he doing wearing a medal of St. Peter?

Shirley Holmes:
You have the reflexes of a soldier. Who are you?

Pierre:
Father Jean Baptiste.

Shirley Holmes:
No you're not.

Pierre:
Who are you?

Shirley Holmes:
You *do* have your memory back.

Shirley Holmes:
Go back to your parents.

Pierre:
What about my mother? How did you get her stethoscope? Did you kill her? Did you? DID YOU?

Bo Sawchuck:
Man, I knew she was up to something. St. Peter. Peter. St. Peter's. She went to St. Peter's!

Detective Tremain:
What is this, All Saints Day?

Bo Sawchuck:
You got a better idea?

Pierre:
I didn't kill your mother.

Shirley Holmes:
You must have been good at being a priest. I met Cory, the little boy at the hospital.

Pierre:
He needed my help. I prayed for him, but they were the prayers of a liar and a cheat.

Pierre:
If Father Jean Baptiste wanted me to return the stethoscope to you, he must have believed she was alive.

Shirley Holmes:
You know, there's something I've always wondered.

[Shirley grabs Bo's religious medal]

Bo Sawchuck:
What are you doing?

Shirley Holmes:
If you're name is Boris, how come you wear a medal of St. Francis?

Bo Sawchuck:
Boris is my... middle name.

Shirley Holmes:
Your first name is Francis?

Bo Sawchuck:
Yes! And if you tell anyone, I'm going to tell your dad you snuck out of the house yesterday.

Shirley Holmes:
Deal... Francis.

Robert Holmes:
I feel better now that we know more about Pierre Cayobanda. I knew there had to be a rational explanation of how he got that stethoscope. Didn't I tell you the police would take care of it?

Shirley Holmes:
Yes... you did.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narratimg] Pierre will have his own problems to deal with when he goes back to Rwanda, but he's made me a promise. He's gong to look for you, Mom - and so will I. I'll never give up... not until I've found you.

Shirley Holmes:
What are you doing here?

Luisa:
Visiting my tia - my aunt.

Shirley Holmes:
In a laundry room?

Luisa:
She's getting me a job.

Shirley Holmes:
You're too young to work here.

Luisa:
You're nosy.

Shirley Holmes:
You're right.

[El Condor's men have broken into and destroyed Rita's apartment]

Rita:
Where can I hide her? No one escapes El Condor!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley, this is big. We have to call the cops.

Shirley Holmes:
No! Bo, people aren't supposed to sneak into the country. If the police find her, they'll send her back.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Let me get this straight. We're out here tracking down a bunch of murderous desperadoes so we can... do what?

Shirley Holmes:
Find out what makes Louisa so important to them and find out what happened to the other people in the crates.

[Shirley's attempt to extract information from a homeless man results in complete failure]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
For a diplomat's kid, you have a lot to learn about diplomacy.

Shirley Holmes:
Come on, give me a hand.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Do I have a choice?

Shirley Holmes:
*Please.* I'm trying to be more diplomatic.

[discussing the fate of Rita, whom they hold captive]

Charles Taylor:
I am not taking her anywhere. That was not part of our deal.

El Condor:
The deal is what I say it is!

Robert Holmes:
I've programmed it to respond to your voice. It's a security device - the computer reads your vocal imprint; it's as distinctive as a fingerprint. Only the diplomatic staff has voice access... and, occasionally, their children.

[Louisa has been abducted from Shirley's house by El Condor's men]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Man, you just don't know when to give up, do you? People can get killed!

Shirley Holmes:
I'm aware of that.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Do you think it's up to you to fix everything? Fix this! Here, call the cops.

[Shirley has discovered Charles Taylor's cigarette lighter at the scene of the crime]

Shirley Holmes:
C.T. - Charles Taylor. You should stick with pecans... it's a much less dangerous hobby.

Charles Taylor:
Apparently, I'm not the only one with dangerous hobbies.

El Condor:
[to Charles] You've been creating too many problems. Now you're going to help solve them - personally.

Shirley Holmes:
Louisa, I'm sorry. My mother's missing, too. She's a doctor, like yours. Three years ago an epidemic broke out in a refugee camp in Rwanda. She went out to help stop it. The fighting started, many people were killed, she disappeared. They reported her dead; they never found a body. My father stopped believing they'd find her alive.

Luisa:
But you still hope.

Shirley Holmes:
I know she's coming home.

[Bo knocks El Condor unconscious and rescues Shirley]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Now can we call the cops?

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] As for me, I've had some surprising personal revelations. Apparently, my single-mindedness can sometimes be mistaken for insensitivity. I'll have to work on that. Louisa taught me this song, Mom. I know you'll like it.

[first lines]

[Stink turns, holding a large snake]

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Put them way down in the sheets so they can't slip it out.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Trust the gagmeister. Girls love to be grossed out.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Really?

Parker:
What about the new girl? The one who arrived last night.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
Time for a little Sussex welcome.

Mr. Howie:
Lesson Number One: The object in cricket is to hit the wicket, not the batsman.

Parker:
Can't we play something normal, like baseball?

Mr. Howie:
Normal is relative, Mr. Parker... regretably, not a relative of yours.

[referring to Bai Sung's bodyguard]

Molly Hardy:
If she's a maid, my IQ isn't 160.

[Although she claims to have attended American schools, Catherine constantly uses British idioms]

Parker:
Jumper?

Shirley Holmes:
A British expression for sweater.

[as Bo lavishes attention on Catherine, Parker sees the distrust in Catherine's bodyguard's eyes and jealousy in Shirley's]

Parker:
What's the British expression for dead meat? Proceed at your own risk, buddy.

Shirley Holmes:
You realize that nothing about her adds up. Willingdon's in Maryland, not Virginia. She uses British slang like jumper, rather than sweater, chips instead of fries.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley, don't start!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What do you mean it's stolen?

Shirley Holmes:
I mean, she's traveling on a stolen British passport.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
How do you know she...? I don't even want to know.

Shirley Holmes:
If she isn't Catherine Miller, who is she? Who's she hiding from and why does she need this black belt maid to protect her?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Shirley...

Shirley Holmes:
Her English is impeccable, but it's not her first language. You heard her on the cricket pitch! I don't know if it was Thai or Burmese.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So, what's it to you? Layoff!

Alicia Gianelli:
[to Shirley] Jealousy is so self-destructive.

Bai Sung:
Take my advice and don't meddle in affairs you don't understand.

Shirley Holmes:
Take my advice and stay away from Bo!

Bai Sung:
I must leave! I have to get our passports.

Shirley Holmes:
I'll take care of it.

Bai Sung:
But how?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Don't ask.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Do you have to go back?

Bai Sung:
It's my duty - to my father and my country.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You see, I was right. You don't know how to have fun.

Bai Sung's Stepmother:
How does she run away like this?

Shirley Holmes:
It's called self-preservation. Makes sense when your stepmother sics hit men on you.

[Bo and Bai Sung defeat the hit men after a long chase]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What took you so long?

Shirley Holmes:
I figured you had it under control.

Bai Sung:
Mother.

Bai Sung's Stepmother:
Your majesty.

Shirley Holmes:
Bo, I have to tell you something. I'm the one who gave Bai Sung away. I sent an email to her old school and her stepmother intercepted it. The hit men must have, too.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I figured it was something like that.

Shirley Holmes:
You're not mad?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
No. It's not like you can stop yourself from being you.

[last lines]

[to Bai Sung's bodyguard as the princess and Bo walk into the park]

Shirley Holmes:
Can't you give them a little privacy?

[first lines]

Ms. Stratmann:
Eight hundred years ago, King John wore this ring at the signing of the Magna Carta. Today we are priviledged to have this symbol of democracy on loan to us thanks to a new member of our student body, Molly Hardy.

[Bo discovers a trap door that leads underneath the stage]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Why am I not surprised they have a dungeon.

Shirley Holmes:
They stopped using it for detention years ago.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What!

Shirley Holmes:
How did you get Stink to part with his favorite sunglasses?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
By forgetting to ask him.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
So Stink's our man.

Shirley Holmes:
No, he's a suspect... and so far our suspects include the whole school.

Sterling 'Stink' Patterson:
When I am elected, I promise to put an end to health food in the cafeteria. No more tofu stew or alfalfa sprouts. Bring back the french fries and gravy!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Look, it can't be Molly. If you kept fiddling with that machine, you could make it sound like anyone.

Shirley Holmes:
Not anybody we know! Bo, look what's happened in the past two days. Molly's gone from being the new kid and nobody to the most popular girl in school.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
What are you saying?

Shirley Holmes:
Alecia's electrocution, her voice recording - it's a classic strategy. Molly's creating crises to make herself look like a hero.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Oh, man, that's psycho! But stealing her own ring?

Shirley Holmes:
Ah, the ring. Recovering her ring will be her crowning achievement. She'll save the school's reputation and earn Stratmann's undying gratitude, but she's saving it for maximum effect and what better time then today - Election Day!

Shirley Holmes:
Good speech.

Molly Hardy:
Thanks.

Shirley Holmes:
It's good to know that your voice will be my voice... and Alecia's.

Shirley Holmes:
You realize, of course, that you have nothing to link me to the theft of the ring.

Molly Hardy:
True, but I foiled your scheme to be hero.

Shirley Holmes:
You'll be punished for that... eventually.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] I've met my equal and my opposite, my nemesis. I only wonder if there's room at Sussex Academy for both of us.

[first lines]

Eric:
Are you crazy? Whistling in a theater? Don't you know anything? Turn around. Come on!

Greg Baxter:
Oh, c'mon. This is ridiculous.

Eric:
Do it! As if things weren't bad enough for her.

Greg Baxter:
Oh, come on, Eric. You don't actually believe that she's a jinx, do you?

[the sound of breaking glass is heard and the camera pans to Rebecca Radcliff looking at herself reflected by a broken mirror]

Robert Holmes:
But it's been nearly four years since she died.

Peggy Holmes:
We all heal at our own pace, Robert.

Robert Holmes:
That's just the point, Mother! She isn't allowing herself to heal at all.

Dr. Brooks:
Hello, I'm Dr. Brooks. You must be Miss Radcliff.

Rebecca Ratcliff:
Heh-heh. I forgot I had a previous appointment with, um...

[glances at Shirley]

Rebecca Ratcliff:
...with my mother... in Rwanda.

Burton:
Are you union?

[Shirley shakes her head]

Burton:
Good! Wardrobe is that way.

Shirley Holmes:
Miss Radcliff - she's the star?

Angela:
Star, director, angel of death...

Shirley Holmes:
Why did the painters quit?

Angela:
They're afraid for their lives. The last time Rebecca played Titania, the theater went up in flames.

Freddie:
That was 20 years ago.

Angela:
Some people think Rebecca has the evil eye. She's a jinx.

Shirley Holmes:
But what about the jinx? Are you saying she sees accidents before they're going to happen or she's making them happen?

Angela:
Maybe both.

Rebecca Ratcliff:
This is absurd. Why would anyone want to ruin the show?

Shirley Holmes:
Not ruin the show - ruin you. Did you know Angela is Burton's girlfriend?

Rebecca Ratcliff:
Oh... I see.

Shirley Holmes:
Miss Radcliff, what else do you see?

[Shirley and Bo act on Rebecca's vision of water and a broken elbow]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
A plumbing elbow - you're good. The way Greg had it rigged, it would have flooded the whole stage.

Shirley Holmes:
According to my reading, psychic messages can be highly symbolic. You have to learn to interpret them.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
I get the feeling Rebecca wishes she never got them at all.

Shirley Holmes:
Yeah. It's hard when you see things other people don't.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Yeah...

[Bo glances meaningfully at Shirley]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
It must be.

[Shirley is trying to crack open a safe]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
This is a little more complicated than breaking into someone's locker.

Shirley Holmes:
The doctor is in!

[Shirley and Bo are locked inside the safe]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Any suggestions, doctor?

Shirley Holmes:
An emergency lockdectomy.

[Shirley recites her lines to her father and grandmother]

Robert Holmes:
Word perfect.

Peggy Holmes:
Wonderful!

Shirley Holmes:
Gotta get ready. Dress rehersal is at six.

Peggy Holmes:
I'll be there... Robert?

[Robert Holmes seems lost in a reverie]

Robert Holmes:
She's so much like Joanna.

Peggy Holmes:
Yes.

Angela:
Burton, you promised I was to play Titania!

Burton:
Get serious! You can't even play Monopoly.

Shirley Holmes:
My mother went missing four years ago in Rwanda. My dad sent me to see Dr. Brooks. He's worried because I don't believe she's dead.

Rebecca Ratcliff:
And you think... because of what I said I know something about her?

[Shirley nods]

Rebecca Ratcliff:
You know, I think it was the strength of you feelings that put those words into my mouth. But you *have* to believe in your feelings. I wish I had 20 years ago.

Robert Holmes:
You were wonderful.

Shirley Holmes:
I wish Mom could have been here.

Robert Holmes:
So do I, darling. So do I.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] Dad and I have reached an agreement. He'll stop worrying about me so much and I'll try to find more interests. I don't anticipate that being a problem. But someday, Mom, he'll see what I see - that somehow, somewhere, you're alive!

Shirley Holmes:
I'm going grocery shopping. You want anything?

Alicia Gianelli:
Um, something high fiber... oh, and low sodium... with uplifting protein. Hey, you are what you eat!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Look, you have friends and I have friends...

Shirley Holmes:
And why shouldn't my dad have friends like Leah. Bo, I know what you're trying to do. I'm fine. Really.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Well, hey, at least she's cool. If it were my dad, he'd be hangin' out with a Ukranian polka troupe.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You're looking for reasons not to like her.

Shirley Holmes:
I don't even know her!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Yeahhh.

Inspector Marquee:
You're a diplomat; the law cannot touch you. But what will your government do when they find out you're harboring a fugitive?

Robert Holmes:
Alleged.

Shirley Holmes:
En guard!

Butch:
What is this place?

Shirley Holmes:
The Foiled Fencing School.

[Shirley dials her cell phone]

Shirley Holmes:
I'll let the police know the address.

Butch:
Hey, it's an honest mistake. I was - I was just looking for my brother.

[Shirley slashes the seat of Butch's pants as he flees]

Butch:
Hey!

Leah Farrell:
That's what he gets for messing with a private school girl.

[Bo reads the name written inside one of the fencing masks]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Joanna? Was that your mother's name?

Shirley Holmes:
Is! *Is* my mother's name.

Shirley Holmes:
They're calling you back to England?

Robert Holmes:
The ambassador feels the scandal has compromised my integrity. He may be right.

Robert Holmes:
I'm just trying to do the right thing. It's just... You must hate me.

[Shirley rubs her father's shoulders, then plays with his hair]

Shirley Holmes:
I'm giving you monster hair.

Robert Holmes:
You are, are you? What do we do when we see the monster?

Shirley Holmes:
We shine a flashlight on him.

Robert Holmes:
And then what happens?

Shirley Holmes:
We scare him and he doesn't scare us.

Robert Holmes:
He doesn't scare us, does he?

Shirley Holmes:
No.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You can't go to England. All your friends are here.

Alicia Gianelli:
Yeah, and all that gross fried food. You'll hate it!

[Shirley gives a warning to Leah in Latin]

Shirley Holmes:
Okan nostrum.

Robert Holmes:
Our secret?

Leah Farrell:
Yeah, it's one of my songs. You're too old to know it.

Robert Holmes:
Oh, thank you.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] I couldn't have been more wrong. My father's not in love with Leah. She turned to him because she was in trouble and he hid her out of loyalty to my mother. But he's lonely - I can see it in his face. If he was to meet a woman he might... I have to find my mother!

[Shirley notes Ms. Flitt's look of satisfaction when a light bulb explodes and the computers overheat]

Shirley Holmes:
Did any of you notice the look on Miss Flitt's face?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Whoever notices Misfit?

[Miss Flitt arrives at school wearing a traditional Wicca garment]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Whoa! What did she eat this morning?

[referring to Miss Flitt's flowing black gown]

Miss Stratmann:
Miss Flitt, this is a private school, not a costume ball.

[Shirley has convinced Bart to help her break into Miss Flitt's house]

Shirley Holmes:
You don't have to do this.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Hey, paranormal are us!

[examining the contents of Miss Flitt's Wicca workbench]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
She uses a crockpot for a cauldron?

[smells the brew simmering in the "cauldron"]

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Ewww. Bit heavy on eye of newt.

[sniffing one of Miss Flitt's bag of herbs]

Shirley Holmes:
It smells like mint, jasmine and... *turkey stuffing*?

[Shirley discovers Mr. Howie's missing belongings on Miss Flitt's workbench]

Shirley Holmes:
She needed his personal belongings to cast a spell.

Shirley Holmes, Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
A love spell!

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Shirley, I'm scared.

Shirley Holmes:
Information is power and we need to get some.

Peggy Holmes:
Wicca, which we think of as witchcraft, is very ancient wisdom. Many of these herbs found in witches' brews are still used today - only we call them medicine.

[Shirley flips through the pages of a book about Wicca]

Shirley Holmes:
There's a swastika!

Peggy Holmes:
Oh, long before it was a swastika, it was a rune - a very powerful symbol of magic.

Shirley Holmes:
So there really is such a thing as sorcery?

Peggy Holmes:
Symbolism and ritual are forces not to be taken lightly. Consider how feared the swastika became at the hands of the Nazis. Some call it sorcery; some call it psychology.

Shirley Holmes:
But what if someone was using Wicca to hurt people?

Peggy Holmes:
Then he doesn't understand what he's dealing with. Wicca is for healing, not hurting. Shirley, that person is very dangerous.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
I'm such a coward.

Shirley Holmes:
Bart, it's normal for us to be afraid of things we don't understand.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Not for me it isn't.

[Shirley and friends want Mr. Howie to help retrieve personal articles stolen by Miss Flitt, including the science teacher's pen engraved "to Binky"]

Shirley Holmes:
Absolutely not!

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
It's the only way, Mr. Howie.

Bartholomew 'Bart' James:
Unless you want to be her love slave.

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
You do what to pay her back, don't you, Mr. How... Binky?

Arthur Howie:
What precisely would I have to do?

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Ah, Shirley...

Shirley Holmes:
It's her effigy of Ms. Stratmann.

[Bo examines the effigy more closely]

Francis Boris 'Bo' Sawchuk:
Yeah, but isn't that *your* compass?

Alice Flitt:
So, you and your little friends paid me another visit last night. I'll have to punish you for that!

Shirley Holmes:
I don't think so. See, what you fail to realize, Miss Flitt, is I'm a witch, too.

[Shirley, dressed in a witch's costume, demonstrates her "powers"]

Alice Flitt:
There always was something different about you.

Alice Flitt:
I never had any real powers?

Shirley Holmes:
You had the power of believing in yourself.

[last lines]

Shirley Holmes:
[narrating] As for Miss Flitt, she's taking some time away from work. I can only hope that eventually she realizes that real power was inside her all along.