The Amateur Monster Movie

Walter Romero:
I hate zombies in the evening.

Teacher:
Do I think Shakespeare was gay? Yes.

Teacher:
Does this negatively affect my opinion of all his works? Yes.

The Guru:
Oh, naive little Walter. How little you know about what's real. I suppose you think centaurs are made up, and that elephants are real, huh?

Mr. Mathia:
Walter, what I'm about to say to you is not an easy thing for me to do but if I learned anything... through my two-year college equivalency course, it's that, as your guidance counselor, it is my duty to be both your guide and counselor.

Mr. Englan:
Some kind of animal?

Walter Romero:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Englan:
Now that's fishy. That is suspicious, man. Because you know what? This is somewhat of an alarming statistic, but more people die from vending machines falling on them every year than do animal attacks, and that's a fact, man. And do you know what else? I come across a lot of vending machines in my line of work, and do you know how many vending machines I've seen kill people? Not one f***ing vending machine. Not one. So, do you know what this information tells me? It tells me that there is something bigger going on, that this is a cover-up. And you've got to blow the lid off this f***er and get right down to the bottom of it. Because that sh*t ain't right.

The Guru:
Walter. Walter, no matter what happens... I want you to promise me something.

Walter Romero:
What is it?

The Guru:
Promise me you'll stay out of the Moors. Stay out of the Moors!

Walter Romero:
What? Like in England?

The Guru:
Well, yes. But also just in general! And also Scotland.

Walter Romero:
I had no intention of going to the Moors or Scotland.

The Guru:
Grave danger awaits those who enter there. Grave danger!

Walter Romero:
I'm not going to the Moors.

The Guru:
Or Scotland?

Walter Romero:
Okay, okay! I'm not going to Europe, I'm not going to Scotland, and I'm certainly not going to the Moors! I'm staying right here in this town and I'm not going anywhere!

The Guru:
Well, why the hell not? There's a werewolf on the loose here.

Walter Romero:
What were you doing in there?

Johnny Mason:
I... I was pooping.

Walter Romero:
Oh, well I suppose your poop smells like marijuana, ey?

Johnny Mason:
Yeah. Yes. Mhm.

Johnny Mason:
Friends call me... Johnny Potsmoke-Appleseed... I think...

Johnny Mason:
If you need me to buy you beer, man, I can do that. Seriously.

Walter Romero:
That's ok.

Johnny Mason:
Seriously, brah.

Walter Romero:
I don't really need any beer. My dad works for a brewery so I don't really need any help in that department, thanks.

Johnny Mason:
What brewery?

Walter Romero:
I don't know, Duff or something.

Johnny Mason:
What the hell? That is from The Simpsons.

Lucio:
I'm not feeling too well.

Johnny Mason:
You take anything?

Lucio:
Just some Vicodin and PCP.

Johnny Mason:
Oh, dude, you're fine.

Mack:
Leave my zombie wife alone!

Officer Larry Hopkins:
What, we're the scavengers now? We're supposed to be the law! When the law is lawless, who the hell's gonna law the lawless law?

Mayor Kimball:
How much wood would a woodchuck f*** if a woodchuck could f*** wood? F*** you and your f***ing principles, Larry! We're talking about flesh-eating dead people here! The law of the f***ing land has been violated!

Booker:
I can tell you're a boy scout. You seem very trustworthy, loyal, helpful, kind, friendly, courteous, obedient, thrifty, cheerful, brave, clean, and reverent.

Walter Romero:
I am all of those things.

Booker:
Indeed.

Officer Larry Hopkins:
What the hell happened here today?

Mack:
Well, while I was out huntin' squirrels with Mack Jr. in the woods, my wife was up on the roof, paintin' shingles.

Officer Larry Hopkins:
Paintin' f***in' shing-? On your f***in' barn?

Mack:
Well, she kept complaining about how we just had plain green shingles and she wanted 'em neon green, and I reckon she went up there to do somethin' about it.

Officer Larry Hopkins:
That... is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Continue.

Officer Trevor Pohl:
[shoots self in head] Ahh! F***, I missed!

Butch:
Relax, Tim. We're on a dinky little island... what's the worst that could happen?

Tim:
Yeah? You know I'm sure that's just what Odysseus thought when he and his men traveled to Telepylos, and oh wait! the cannibalistic Laestrygonian tribe overtook all but one of their ships! I'm sure! I'm sure!

Randy:
I never got to try a s'macooo!

Mayor Kimball:
Oh, Miss Hollywood, are you okay?

Mandy Hollywood:
I'm feeling better now that I have some weed in me. I feel loose!

Mayor Kimball:
Oh, well... Have more! Have as much as your heart desires! Go ahead...

Johnny Mason:
Dude, I don't have that much...

Mayor Kimball:
You give her everything you got you Eminem-looking son of a b*tch!

Walter Romero:
Johnny, I want you to stay. I dragged you out here, you don't need to come with me. Please! Don't make this any harder than it has to be. You're staying.

Johnny Mason:
I wasn't even planning on leaving.