The Amazing Screw-On Head

Screw-On Head:
It's as I always say, all really intelligent people should be cremated for reasons of public safety.

Emperor Zombie:
You're no fun! Piggy little professor keeping Gung's secrets all to himself!

President Abraham Lincoln:
The nature of this investigation has become much too personal. We're dealing with undead perversions of the only woman you ever loved and your most trusted man-servant who vowed to do away with all subsequent man-servants in the cruelest means imaginable.

Emperor Zombie:
[singing] You know something I don't know.

Professor Fruen:
Who's there? What is the meaning of this?

Emperor Zombie:
I thought I was clear. *You* know something *I* don't know.

President Abraham Lincoln:
Crack a window, Mr. Groin. Let's not have the Oval Office smelling like burnt hair.

President Abraham Lincoln:
Groin's looking out for your behind, Head! You can't keep him at arm's length!

Screw-On Head:
America is depending on me, Mr. President! And by America, I mean the world.

Emperor Zombie:
I'm so excited I just made water in my pantaloons!

Gung:
Foolish mortals!

Emperor Zombie:
[shoots Gung] Do I look mortal to you?

Emperor Zombie:
I'm merely expressing gratitude!

Screw-On Head:
Perhaps you might express in apology?

Emperor Zombie:
[laughing] Oh no, he didn't! Apologize to you? Pardon me if I say poppycock!

Screw-On Head:
Then say it!

Emperor Zombie:
Poppycock.

Screw-On Head:
You let America down...

Emperor Zombie:
You let me down. You went on and on about how sweet the candy was, then told me not to put it in my mouth, and got mad at me when I did.

Screw-On Head:
If by "candy," you mean ancient forbidden evil, then yes, I told you not to put it in your mouth.

Patience the Vampire:
I think your forbidden evil is fresh as a daisy.

Emperor Zombie:
Thank you, darling.

Emperor Zombie:
There's only one way to truly know everything you know.

Professor Fruen:
Ask politely?

Emperor Zombie:
I'm going... to smoke you.

Emperor Zombie:
Any last words before I spark it?

Aggie:
My arm's getting tired.

The Demigod:
Time to begin the horror.

Emperor Zombie:
By all means, lets! Emperor Zombie, how do you do? I'm here to advise you on dispensing horror in this modern military climate. I understand you're a demigod, that's fantastic!

The Demigod:
Oh, I don't know about fantastic...

Emperor Zombie:
I do! If I may be so bold?

The Demigod:
Be bold. I command you!

Emperor Zombie:
I have an impressive resume in the service industry, as the man you just crushed can testify. I have been looking for a master worthy of my servitude, and baby, you are it!

Gung:
Stop! You'll release the demi-god!

Emperor Zombie:
You mean that big, magical thing you used to conquer the world thousands of years ago? Then I believe introductions are in order.

The Demigod:
Free at last from my vegetable prison!

The Demigod:
Your poor, sad, insignificant brains cannot conceive of the horror that is coming now! [short pause] Right now. [longer pause] Right this very instant! [break for advertisement]

The Demigod:
Time to begin the horror.

Emperor Zombie:
By all means, let's!

Emperor Zombie:
Mr. Groin?

Mr. Groin:
Mr. Zombie.

Emperor Zombie:
This is the best day ever! It marks the end of Amazing Screw-on Head and brings closure to my petty vengeance fetish with his manservants!

Screw-On Head:
Emperor Zombie, you're a fiend!

Emperor Zombie:
Boo-hoo, you had your chance.

Emperor Zombie:
[to Mr. Dog] Mr. Dog! Did you come to save the day? [to Demigod] When I was alive and he was alive he won best in show 10 times running. [to Mr. Dog] Well, the show's over now, Mr. Dog, and this time you didn't win.

[shoots Mr. Dog several times; Mr. Dog continues to stand and growl]

Emperor Zombie:
[to Demigod] Um, would you mind stepping on him?

Screw-On Head:
Nobody moves or Patience dies. Again. Permanently!

Emperor Zombie:
Ah, yes, if you can't have her then no one can. Patience, darling, do I have permission to let Head stake you if it means world domination?

Patience the Vampire:
Yes, my love. [whispers] No!

Emperor Zombie:
Not the face!

[Zombie enters the Temple of Gung with his two henchwomen]

Emperor Zombie:
I wish Patience was here... not that I don't like you, I do, it's just... she's not quite so old... oh, she's old, but not like you - uh, not like that, you understand.

Emperor Zombie:
There's artillery now, big guns that shoot giant rocks that bruise and dismember, which is why you need artillery, too.

Geraldine:
[whispers] And an army of the undead.

Emperor Zombie:
Also an army of the undead.

The Demigod:
Ooh, I always wanted one of those.

Emperor Zombie:
You dig up the corpses and I'll make them your slaves.

Emperor Zombie:
Here it is! Bangang Pagro-Esh. The left eye of Nog. The jewel worshipped by the wizards of Mu and the black priests of Atlantis, finally passed down to Gung the Magnificent who was chosen by the gods to conquer the world with it! And now, it's mi...

[sees the artifact, which is a turnip]

Emperor Zombie:
Ew! [drops it] It's not a jewel, it's a dirty old piece of crap!