The Ant and the Aardvark

Aardvark:
Ten billion ants in this world, and I'm having trouble with just one.

Aardvark:
[after the nurse at the vet gives him porridge] Porridge. Who does she think I am, Goldilocks? Ant eators only eat ants. And that's an ant.

Aardvark:
[after swallowing the ant and getting hit by a car. They are both in hospital beds] Boy, I sure got the Ant knocked out of me that time.

Ant:
You ain't just a whistlin' tiptoe through the tulips.

Aardvark:
Boy, some hospital. The hospitality around here could make a person sick.

Ant:
[after the Aardvark has surgery to get the Ant out of his stomach] You bad ol' Aardvark.

Aardvark:
[Removes his shirt to reveal a bandage on his stomach where he had surgery] It hurt me worse than it hurt you. Believe me.

Aardvark:
I'm gonna get you, ant.

Aardvark:
Slow down, ant! You run off all your fat!

Aardvark:
I hate you, instant hole!

Aardvark:
Hey ant, I just want a word for you: the word is *stop*!

Aardvark:
[after dropping a stick of dynamite into the anthill] Hey ant. What do you think of that?

Aardvark:
[blows up in his face] I know what I think of that. But I shouldn't say it in public.

Aardvark:
Anybody know a good tailor? I think I need a new tail.

Aardvark:
If I had as many friends as that ant, I'd run for governor.

Aardvark:
[yet another of his schemes backfires] I'd say something right now, but it would only be censored.

Aardvark:
Maybe I should have been a doctor. Then I could prescribe myself a pill.

computer:
Hi there. How'd it go?

Aardvark:
You might say it was a smashing... failure. And by the way, for a computer, you stink!

computer:
Who said I was a computer? I'm an automatic pop up toaster. And I'll prove it. [toast pops out, burying aardvark to the neck in toast]

Aardvark:
[to the audience] Anybody got a pound of butter?

Aardvark:
Believe me, it's no fun being an aardvark. I'd rather be a banker, and have a businessman's lunch. Instead, I have to catch things like him! [points to Ant]

Aardvark:
Hello there. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm an aardvark. I eat ants for a living. I'm a functional creation. Check the profile. That's a profile? And the mouth. Ever see a mouth like this? Let me show you how it works. Say there's an ant beyond that hill. I give a little inhale, like this [inhales, sounding like a vacuum and drains a lake]

Aardvark:
[spits out a fish] Fish phooey! I'm an anteater. Not a fisheater!

Aardvark:
Believe me, it's no fun being an aardvark. I'd rather be a banker, and have a businessman's lunch. Instead, I have to catch things like him! [points to Ant]

Ant:
[standing next to him] I'm an ant. And he's an anteater. And do you know, what an ol' ant does when he sees an anteater? [in scary voice] He runs for his life, man [runs away]