The Apple Dumpling Gang

Theodore Oglivie:
Amos, that's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.

Amos Tucker:
I know.

Theodore Ogelvie:
Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.

Amos Tucker:
I know.

Theodore Oglivie:
And you burnt my hand, Amos.

Amos Tucker:
Well, I'm sorry about that.

Theodore Oglivie:
And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!

Amos Tucker:
Well, I can fix that.

Theodore Oglivie:
[suddenly blows his top] Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?

Amos Tucker:
Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.

Theodore Oglivie:
Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed-wire fence!

Amos Tucker:
Theodore?

Theodore Oglivie:
That head of yours wouldn't hold straw!

Amos Tucker:
Theodore?

Theodore Oglivie:
You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail!

Homer McCoy:
Welcome to Quake City, Donovan. Looks like luck is against you.

Russell Donovan:
Well, there's one good thing about luck - it always changes. And I got a feeling mine is just around the corner.

Amos Tucker:
How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him?

Theodore Ogelvie:
About five hundred.

Amos Tucker:
Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece!

John Wintle:
Donovan! I haven't seen you since, ah...

Russell Donovan:
Santa Fe.

John Wintle:
Right!

Russell Donovan:
When you sold me the Marshal's horse.

John Wintle:
Right. I was just funnin', Donovan.

Russell Donovan:
The Marshal wasn't amused.

Homer McCoy:
This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

Theodore Oglivie:
Not guilty?

Homer McCoy:
Guilty!

Amos Tucker:
That was the wrong one.

Homer McCoy:
This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out.

[Amos and Ted are let out of the cage]

Homer McCoy:
Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.

Frank Stillwell:
Anytime you got one of them down-home sheriffs, you always got a town full of vigilantes.

Homer McCoy:
I've never teamed two more unlikely prospects. You two go together like ice cream and whiskey. But I guess you'd be man and wife same as regular people, and nobody could say different.

Theodore Ogelvie:
You know something, Amos?

Amos Tucker:
Huh?

Theodore Ogelvie:
We got to make a decision.

Amos Tucker:
What?

Theodore Oglivie:
Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?

Amos Tucker:
Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory?

Theodore Oglivie:
Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard?

Amos Tucker:
You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad.

Theodore Ogelvie:
You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain't got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.

Homer McCoy:
Donovan, this is just a half portion of a town, but we do have certain what you might call rules to live by! You don't jump another man's claim; you don't steal his wife, woman or whiskey; you don't strike a bargain and then entertain second thoughts about the matter. Any one of these offenses could make you the exalted guest of honor at a hemp party.

Sheriff Homer McCoy:
If you need a haircut, Wintle, my barbershop's closed. If you're lookin' to sue somebody, my court's open every Tuesday. If you want the sheriff, I'm playin' poker. Deuces bet a dollar.

Bobby:
Clovis don't like to be touched.

Donovan:
[looking skyward, trying to talk to God] What have I done to deserve this?

Clovis:
Who are you talking to?

Donovan:
It doesn't matter. I don't think He's listening to me anyway.

Theodore:
Will you stop tryin' to think!

Theodore:
You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I - I just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always.

Theodore:
It's a piece of cake.

Amos:
You mean it ain't gold?

Sheriff McCoy:
You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.

Theodore:
Oh. Thank you.

[Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]

Theodore:
Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?

Amos:
Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.

Sheriff McCoy:
Dusty's a fine specimen of womanhood! I seen her get caught in a cloudburst once, and I wanna to tell you!

Donovan:
Three 'widdle' kids? Three little swindlers, you mean.

Theodore:
[to Amos, about a ladder] Get back, you cabbage head! You're gonna bust it!

Bobby:
Where's your friend?

Theodore:
He better be in another county!

Sheriff McCoy:
You two couldn't steal candy from a baby without coming out on the short end.

Theodore:
You don't thank a man for hanging you, you leather-brained ignoramus.

Sheriff McCoy:
That's two bits.

Barbershop Customer:
But I've only got half a shave!

Sheriff McCoy:
A whole shave's four bits. Now git before I fine you for loitering.

[Dusty is trying to beat him up]

Donovan:
Dusty, will you just let me say one word?

Dusty:
One!

Donovan:
Dusty...

Dusty:
That's it!

Bobby:
We want you to have our gold nugget.

Amos:
What gold nugget is that?

Bobby:
The one you tried to steal.

Amos:
Oh, that gold nugget.

Amos:
Uh, still aren't mad 'cause I shot you in the leg, are you, Frank?

Amos:
I'm gonna buy some new toes.

Donovan:
You always kiss like that?

Dusty:
I've been saving up.

Dusty:
Donovan? Yes you, you snake oil salesman! Are you coming out here or am I coming in there?

Russell Donovan:
What's the matter, Dusty? Is there some trouble?

Dusty:
Yes, there's trouble all right! And you're in it!

Celia Bradley:
Mr. Donovan, I gotta go.

Russell Donovan:
[beat] But you just went.

Celia Bradley:
I gotta go again.

Russell Donovan:
That's impossible! Go to sleep.

Celia Bradley:
I'm gonna have an accident!

Dusty:
Donovan? I'm sorry I hit you in the head with the spitoon.

Russell Donovan:
[smiles] A perfectly logical misunderstanding. And I'm sorry I offered to buy you a drink in the saloon, too.

Dusty:
A perfectly logical misunderstanding.

Russell Donovan:
Well, I wouldn't make that mistake again.

Dusty:
You wouldn't?

Russell Donovan:
[steps closer, looks as if he's about to kiss her - then he shakes her hand instead] Good luck, Dusty.

Clovis:
What's that?

Russell Donovan:
Salt pork.

[beat]

Russell Donovan:
I think.

Clovis:
It looks like fat.

Russell Donovan:
Well, whatever it, it's dinner.

Clovis:
[disgusted] That's dinner?

Russell Donovan:
That's dinner!

Donovan:
[Donovan's been trying all day to pawn the orphans off on someone else] Ah, the lady of the house!

Mrs. Stockley:
[drops her empty gin bottle and it shatters] Kids, yick!

Donovan:
The children are marvelous about parties. They love parties themselves!

Mrs. Stockley:
[to her husband as she drags him back inside and starts to close the door on him] Come on!

Donovan:
If you'd just take one small look...

[she slams the door]

Bobby:
Who was that?

Donovan:
[flatly] That was the president of the garden club.

Frank Stillwell:
If I ever get within shootin' distance of that doggone Amos Tucker, he's gonna have "winders" where his ears was.

John Wintle:
I'm leaving for San Francisco tonight.

Sheriff McCoy:
San Francisco's loss is Quake City's gain.

Celia Bradley:
When Mr. Stockley gets mad, he uses words I've never heard before.

Townsman:
[Dusty and Donovan are in the middle of their bar room brawl] What happened with them two?

Sheriff McCoy:
They got married.

Russell Donovan:
[coming to after Dusty knocks him out with a spitoon and sees her coming at him again] Dusty! Dusty! Would you just tell me what's bothering you?!

Dusty:
[grabbing Donovan by the jacket] That bed! That great, big, brass bed! If you had no intention of exercising your husbandly prerogatives, why'd you buy that bed?

Russell Donovan:
That's it? The *bed*?

Dusty:
*Yes*!

Russell Donovan:
[holds her hands away from him] The bed happens to be for the kids, Dusty. When the nights are getting colder, they'll need a *warmer* place to sleep. So the brass bed is for the boys, and the smaller bed is for *Celia*!

Dusty:
[sweetly] Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, then we could have avoided this little misunderstanding.

[frees her hands and walks through the mess in the bar over to the door where Celia is sitting]

Dusty:
[takes her hand] Come along, Celia. This is no place for a lady.