The Bank Dick

Boy in bank:
Mommy, doesn't that man have a funny nose?

Mother in bank:
You mustn't make fun of the gentleman, Clifford. You'd like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn't you?

Myrtle Sous?:
I'll starve myself to death, it's the easiest way out. It's not so difficult to do. I tried it yesterday afternoon.

Egbert Sous?:
Og Oggilby... sounds like a bubble in a bathtub!

Egbert Sous?:
Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty dollar bill?

Joe Guelpe:
Yeah.

Egbert Sous?:
Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind! I thought I'd lost it.

Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch:
[about Souse] He makes me sick!

Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sous?:
Shall I bounce a rock off his head?

Agatha Sous?:
Respect your father, darling. What kind of a rock?

J. Frothingham Waterbury:
Gosh!... Oh, pardon my language.

Egbert Sous?:
That's okay. I swear sometimes myself.

Egbert Sous?:
My uncle, a balloon ascensionist, Effingham Hoofnagle, took a chance. He was three miles and a half up in the air. He jumped out of the basket of the balloon and took a chance of alighting on a load of hay.

Og Oggilby:
Golly! Did he make it?

Egbert Sous?:
Uh... no. He didn't. Had he been a younger man, he probably would have made it. That's the point. Don't wait too long in life.

Egbert Sous?:
Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

Myrtle Sous?:
I'll bet that's Og!

Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch:
Mmm, he's got her bettin' now. She never gambled 'fore she met him.

Egbert Sous?:
I'm very fond of children. Girl children, around eighteen and twenty.

Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sous?:
What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me?

Egbert Sous?:
[raising his hand in anger] Certainly I love you!

Agatha Sous?:
Don't you dare strike that child!

Egbert Sous?:
She's not gonna tell ME I don't love her.

Myrtle Sous?:
[doing a crossword puzzle] What's a six-letter word meaning "embezzlement"?

Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch:
Prison.

Og Oggilby:
Oh... I knew this would happen! I was a perfect idiot to ever listen to you!

Egbert Sous?:
You listen to me, Og! There's nothing in this world that is perfect.

Egbert Sous?:
The jockey was a very insulting fellow. He referred to my proboscis as an adscititious excrescence. I had to tweak his nose.

Egbert Sous?:
Ten cents a share. Telephone sold for five cents a share. How would you like something better for ten cents a share? If five gets ya ten, ten'll get ya twenty. A beautiful home in the country, upstairs and down. Beer flowing through the estate over your grandmother's paisley shawl.

Og Oggilby:
Beer?

Egbert Sous?:
Beer! Fishing in the stream that runs under the aboreal dell. A man comes up from the bar, dumps $3,500 in your lap for every nickel invested. Says to you, "Sign here on the dotted line." And then disappears in the waving fields of alfalfa.

Egbert Sous?:
[to bank robber, after narrowly missing the police during a car chase] Seems to be a great deal of traffic here for a country road. Don't you think?

Egbert Sous?:
Is that gun loaded?

Mother in bank:
Certainly not! But I think you are!

Egbert Sous?:
Did you warble my little wren?

J. Frothingham Waterbury:
I want to show you I'm honest in the worst way!

J. Pinkerton Snoopington:
Can't we, eh, pull the shade?

Egbert Sous?:
You can pull anything you want in here. It's a regular joint.

Egbert Sous?:
Ever done any boondoggling?

Egbert Sous?:
[during the car chase] The resale value of this car is going to be nil after this trip.

Joe Guelpe:
[to Souse] Say, you better come in and have a little poultice on the house.

Egbert Souse, speaking to the rather short leading lady of the film he is directing:

Are you standing in a hole?