The Battle of Shaker Heights

Kelly:
[about his father] He's a VH1 documentary without the music.

Lance:
Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"

Kelly:
Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

[after Kelly speaks out in class]

Principal Holmstead:
Kelly we have to stop meeting like this.

Kelly:
I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.

Principal Holmstead:
Growing up is a hard enough thing as it is.

Kelly:
Is that what your box of tissues is for?

Principal Holmstead:
How am I ever going to get through to you?

Kelly Ernswiler:
Well, advertising executives use status and sex to appeal to my demographic.

Bart Bowland:
You need to stop living in a f***ing fantasy world.

Kelly:
So you invited me to your wedding?

Tabby:
[crying] There isn't going to be a wedding. Minor kissed this woman he works with.

Kelly:
Honestly, I didn't think you two were right for eachother. Like that painting. When you walk in you know exactly what it is, but when you look at it closely...

Tabby:
I don't need your bullshit right now.

Kelly:
I'm just trying to understand you, Tabby.

Tabby:
I'm not as complicated as you think.

Kelly:
I didn't say you were complicated. [Tabby starts to cry, and Kelly goes to sit next to her] Don't cry. Please, don't cry.

Tabby:
[laughing] You like me, don't you?

Kelly:
Of course.

Tabby:
No, like, you really like me.

Kelly:
I think your amazing.

Kelly Ernswiler:
A funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

[first lines]

Maurice:
[in German] I have to take a leak.

Kelly:
[holding a knife to his neck from behind] Ssh.

Kelly:
War is hell.

Sarah:
Oh, well then, why do you do it?

Kelly:
You're never more alive than when faced with simulated death.

Principal Holmstead:
I know that some of the teachers around here can be pretty trying for you sometimes. But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.

Kelly:
Why is that?

Principal Holmstead:
Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.

Kelly:
Is that what your box of tissues is for?

Principal Holmstead:
How am I going to get through to you?

Kelly:
Well, advertising executives use status and sex to get through to my demographic.

Kelly:
You know, a funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

Abe:
Oh, you mean Emmet. Well, they didn't have any empty beds at Care House.

Kelly:
Emmet.

Abe:
Uh huh.

Kelly:
So you bring him to our house? Why don't you ever think about maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom? Or steal all of our furniture.

Abe:
He needed a place to sleep tonight.

Kelly:
Well, having him hear makes it feel more like home any way.

Abe:
Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six. That's a thirty year old life.

Kelly:
Big deal. I've been straight the whole time. [walks away]

Miner Weber:
You still in high school?

Kelly:
Yeah, I am. But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the Shop Ease. And President Dawn Cominsky says every employee's part owner, so I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry - in training. Sort of, um, a "capitalist larvae".

Miner Weber:
Wow, that's quite an image.

Kelly:
Only if you see the most magical part. You see it?

Miner Weber:
No, what is it?

Kelly:
One day I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't really go out that much, so I don't think I'm going to be going out that much. Pupa, the awkward adolescence of the insect world.

Eve:
When are you going to forgive him?

Kelly:
When am I going to forgive him? That's quite a question, mom. When am I going to forgive him, hmm. I don't know, maybe, maybe when I forget all the lyrics to Little Mermaid sound track that he'd play me every time so he could go score. Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale. I don't know - you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college. That's when I'll forgive him. I can't go, can I? 'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund, and bought Mexican black tar with it. And you're asking me to forgive this guy. No way.