The Benny Hill Show

[Andree Melly talks to Mervyn Cruddy at the N.F.T]

Andree Melly:
I think for me, the most memorable moment in films was when you played the doctor to that sick family.

Mervyn Cruddy:
"Inherit the Wind." Yes, I remember.

Andree Melly:
Opposite Margaret Lockwood's nurse . . .

Mervyn Cruddy:
That's right. Yes, I know what you're going to say, the scene in the operating theatre.

Andree Melly:
That's the scene. You kissed her when she least expected it.

Mervyn Cruddy:
I beg your pardon?

Andree Melly:
You kissed her when she least expected it.

Mervyn Cruddy:
Oh, I thought you said 'where'.

Mervyn Cruddy:
I don't care what anybody says, you know, about these common-market Romeos, for my money the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman.

Andree Melly:
Well, surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation, the way he'll kiss a girls hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then here ears...

Mervyn Cruddy:
By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon, I'd say!

Housewife:
No, I'm wearing black for my poor, departed husband.

Milkman:
Oh... how long's he been gone?

Housewife:
Ten minutes. He won't be back till 1.

Blanche:
Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!

Harry:
Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

Sheriff Bill Jardine:
Hey, do we know Ace Dickey?

Deputy Leroy:
Yeah. Did five years for statutory rape.

Sheriff Bill Jardine:
Why now, anybody who rapes a statue deserves what he gets!

Henry McGee:
[referring to Scuttle's fellow astronaut] How old is he?

Captain Fred Scuttle:
Fifty-eight. He's a late developer.

Henry McGee:
He looks older.

Captain Fred Scuttle:
Well, he worries a lot.

Nicholas Parsons:
Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?

Fred Scuttle:
Not as often as they'd like to be!

Fanny Craddock:
But first of all, we must put in just a little tiny spot of absinthe.

Johnny Craddock:
'Cause absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!

Director Sam Speiler:
[reminiscing about an actress who was in one of his films] Oh God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act . . .

Lesley Goldie:
Well, what could she do?

Director Sam Speiler:
With difficulty, stand up!

Traveller:
I say, is this Platt's Bottom?

Toddy:
No, it's not, it's mine!

Traveller:
Well, where do I find Platt's Bottom?

Toddy:
Well, you don't start from there!

Traveller:
Well, which direction is it?

Toddy:
I don't know.

Paddy:
Me neither.

Traveller:
You're not very bright, are you?

Chirpy Chuckles:
No, but we ain't lost!

Nick:
Well... you and Martha have been married for fourteen years.

George:
Funny... I don't remember breaking two mirrors.

What can I say about my next guest that hasn't already been said about piles?