The Bernie Mac Show

Wanda:
Until you treat those kids like they're wanted, below this line [draws line on her waist] off limits.

Bernie Mac:
But that's Bernie Mac's Puffs! Takin' away below the belt. Now THAT'S below the belt. It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not having it. You can't blackmail this black male. Bernie Mac strong.

[Repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
I'm gonna kill one of them kids.

Bernie Mac:
[crying] I thought those kids were just spoiled, but all this time they just wanted to go back to the projects. Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids.

Bernie Mac:
Hi-dee, hi-dee boo boo, stick your head in doo-doo.

Bernie Mac:
Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.

Bernie Mac:
Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.

Bernie Mac:
Oh, Lord!

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Oh, Lord!

[repeated phrase]

Bernie Mac:
America...

[repeated line]

Jordan:
Uncle Bernie, pull my finger.

Bryana:
Uncle Bernie, I have a BM, and I gotta throw up!

Bernie Mac:
This is blaxploitation, America. Blaxploitation.

Jordan:
Save his soul and his liver!

Bryana:
Uncle Bernie has to give me soy cheese because regular cheese gives me diarrhea.

Bernie Mac:
You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.

Bernie Mac:
I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...

Bernie Mac:
Okay, I'll take them to Splash Canyon, but if they give me one excuse, just one excuse, to turn around I'll take it. Anything. Sneeze. Little one wheezes. Glasses fall. Anything! Big one cop an attitude. Anything! We turn right around and I sit here with my air conditioning guilt-free. Quickness. Woosh! "I thought we were going somewhere". "Psych". [Chuckles]

Bernie Mac:
[after finding out Jordan bought a telescope with money Bernie gave him for medicine] You little sneak. You think this is funny? You in big troubles with me, young man. I mean big trouble.

Vanessa:
You can't punish him.

Bernie Mac:
Watch and see if I don't!

Vanessa:
You just mad 'cause he played you.

Bernie Mac:
He didn't play me, he stole from me. The boy stole. It's called the way it is.

Wanda:
You could have at least given Jordan dessert before you sent him to his room.

Bernie Mac:
The boy should have bought some cookies when he went on that spending spree.

Vanessa:
He did.

Bernie Mac:
What you way?

Vanessa:
Nothing, Warden.

Bernie Mac:
You can go right in the room and join him!

Bernie Mac:
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?

Bernie Mac:
She turned on the lights, and there... Hanging on the door was a bloody hook... From the last person who touched Bernie Mac's stereo without his permission. [Laughs. Nobody else does] But seriously, if y'all get hungry, go to a restaurant.

Vanessa:
You ever notice that Bernie Mac is always calling himself 'Bernie Mac'? "Bernie Mac so smart". "Bernie Mac so great". Bernie Mac just likes to say Bernie Mac.

Bernie Mac:
Now wait a minute, Bernie Mac don't do that.

Bernie Mac:
Oh come on now, you just uptight about the Richters.

Wanda:
Oh no, Bernie, I was annoyed about the Richters. I am LIVID about this!

Bernie Mac:
Livid? That's two degrees passed pissed!

Bernie Mac:
[to dog] Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?

Bernie Mac:
Do not touch my TV, my DVD, my stereo, my dual-deck VCR. Do not touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you better not touch... [voice breaks] My James Brown.

Jordan:
We talked about how the first thing a black man in the NBA does is get a new car and a white girl.

Bernie:
Whatever you hear at the barber shop, stays at the barber shop.

Jordan:
You know how much your hand shakes when your cutting hair? You could hold ice and make a milkshake. I don't take credit for that one. That was Uncle Bernie's.

Bernie Mac:
Good morning, Vanessa.

Wimbush, Camille:
Uhm.

Bernie Mac:
Oh, I bet I don't feed you in the morning, you'll have somethin' to say!

Boy:
Bernie rhymes with turkey.

Bernie Mac:
No it doesn't. And it's Mr. Mac. Rhymes with smack, as in upside your head.

[repeated snickering laugh]

Jordan:
Heh, heh, heh, heh.

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Busted the head until the white meat shows.

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Ungrateful urchins!

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Let's move on.

[repeated line after being ratted out]

Jordan or Vanessa:
Stool piegon!

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Cut the camera off.

[repeated line]

Bernie Mac:
Them doggone kids.

Bernie "Mac" McCullough:
Stop eating my Famous Amos!

[first lines]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Look at this. I mean, I just went outside to get the newspaper I'm talking about 30 seconds, and look at me. It's so damn hot. California,in the middle of winter it's 95 degrees! "Bernie Mac, why don't youget in your pool?" I can't; it's being drained. But I'll tell you one thing, America, Bernie Mac is going to sit right here and chillfor the rest of the day.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Oh, it's on!

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
It's called punishment, not funishment.

Vanessa:
Man, it's like a prison in here!

Bernie Mac:
Oh, you think it's like a prison, huh? Well I got news for you. It ain't. Because in prison, there's HOPE!

[Bernie and Wanda are sitting in the living room looking at their mail]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Hey baby, the phone bill kind of high this month. Look at that.

Wanda McCullough:
Vanessa was doing good in school so I let her call some friends.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Vanessa?

Wanda McCullough:
Mmm-hmm.

Wanda McCullough:
You still got to watch her, baby. I mean, she already think we rich.

Wanda McCullough:
Well, compared to where she's from.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Yeah, but she think we're old country club rich - old money rich. Shoot, we just n*gger rich.

[Wanda pokes Bernie]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
What?

[the camera angle changes and we see that, unbeknownst to Wanda and Bernie, Bryana has been listening to their conversation]

Brad Cooley:
"I'll jump down your throat and stomp on your liver"?

[Jordan, who wants to go out and play, has just put a dent on Bernie's car]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Jordan, what's wrong with you? Are you blind, huh? What do I gotta do to put some sense into your head, Jordan? Beat you in the head with a dictionary? It ain't gonna do no good? 'Cause you ain't gonna see it coming? Your big thick pop out glasses you got on? Jordan, I swear, you make me so doggone angry, I just wanna wring your neck, you stupid little beetle!

[Bryana and her teacher, who just heard this, are looking critically at Bernie]

Bryana 'Baby Girl' Thomkins:
Hi, Uncle Bernie.

Joan Lefco:
"Stupid little beetle"?

Joan Lefco:
Bryana, did you just say that Billy was a pain the...

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
...ass?

[teacher shakes her head yes]

[about the Night of Terror movie]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Not uh. You're not watching this movie. Its rated R. Its got cussing and stuff in it.

[about Jordan staying up an extra hour]

Jordan Thomkins:
But Uncle Bernie, you promised when I turned 13 I could stay up an extra hour.

[flash to Bernie's room with him talking to America]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
He's right, America. I did promise him that. The only problem was that I didn't think he'd still be here when he turned 13.

[about Jordan screaming his anger out in the closet, which Vanessa suggested]

Vanessa 'Nessa' Thomkins:
You know, Jordan. This isn't exactly healthy.

[Jordan's mind drifting off about how he's going to disobey Bernie when he leaves, when he's supposed to be watching Bryana]

Night of Terror Movie Box:
[glowing all horror like] Watch me Jordan! Watch me!

Sneezing Boy:
Ah-choo!

[first lines]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
[smoking a cigar] Damn! That's a good Cuban cigar.

Mablean Ephriam:
You don't have any evidence against that girl.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
Judge, I have my gut and that's all I need.

Mablean Ephriam:
Your gut doesn't stand up in a court of law.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
My gut's above the law.

Wanda McCullough:
[to Jordan and Bryana] Listen up, the two of you. Now you may think your Uncle Bernie punished you bad, but that's cupcakes compared to what I'm gonna do.

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
[as he looks around in Jordan's room] Alright, Jordan. Where is it?

Jordan Thomkins:
I don't know what you're talking about.

[Bernie opens Jordan's vent and found a DVD]

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
[gasps] You goin' to the hole, Jordan!

Jordan Thomkins:
What's the hole?

[later, Jordan is locked up in the basement]

Jordan Thomkins:
[sobbing] Why? Why me?

Bryana 'Baby Girl' Thomkins:
[Ahead of the funeral] When you die, Uncle Bernie, I'm gonna say my respect.

Jordan Thomkins:
Uncle Bernie, when you die can I have your house?

Bernie 'Mac' McCullough:
[Irritatedly] I'm gonna outlive y'all.

Jordan Thomkins:
[grimacing holding a spoonful of wet hot cereal] Do I have to eat this?

Bernie "Mac" McCullough:
Yes!!

Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins:
[shakes her head]

Jordan Thomkins:
Good bye. [leaves]

Bernie "Mac" McCullough:
Hey!

Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins:
But I don't want to take a bath.

Bernie "Mac" McCullough:
No bath! No movie! Now the choice is yours.

Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins:
[nods]

Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins:
Okay.

Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins:
[puts socks on chest] Look I have b*obs.

Girls:
Aw.

Jordan Thomkins:
Oh, that's nothing. [stands on bed] Look what I got. [takes down pants and underwear]

[girls gasp, scream, and run out of room]

Bernie "Mac" McCullough:
[returns with Vanessa and sees Jordan still standing nude] Jordan, I told you to keep that in the barn.