The Big Kahuna

Larry Mann:
Well, I'll be a son of a b*tch! I don't smoke, you quit drinking, Bob here wouldn't even dream of lusting after a woman... between the three of us, we're practically Jesus.

Larry Mann:
There are people in this world, Bob, who look very official while they are doing what they are doing. And do you know why?

Bob Walker:
Why?

Larry Mann:
Because they don't know what they are doing. Because if you know what you are doing, then you don't have to look like you know what you are doing, because it comes naturally.

Larry Mann:
Do I strike you as a particularly religious man, Phil?

Phil Cooper:
Not even the slightest.

Larry Mann:
Then why am I seized with a sudden overwhelming desire to pray?

Phil Cooper:
I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face.

Larry Mann:
Phil... man, we're in Witchita, Kansas. What does it matter whether we're on the 1st floor or the 500th floor? It all looks the same!

Larry Mann:
When Jesus comes back he's going to have to give them a 2 day advanced notice, so they can make one of those little graph things.

Larry Mann:
Did you mention perhaps what line of industrial lubricants Jesus would have endorsed?

Larry Mann:
Sometimes you gotta chew your own leg off to get out of life's traps.

Bob Walker:
Throw me in the water and see if I can swim

Larry Mann:
I think you're missing the point here Bob, we're about to throw you off a cliff and see if you can fly.

Larry Mann:
Murdoch? Oh, well, he's gone on to his great reward. Yeah... yeah, they say he's in Florida somewhere.

Phil Cooper:
A man hasn't any idea what his soul looks like until he gazes into the eyes for the woman that he's married to. And then, if he's any kind of decent human being, he spends the next couple of days throwing up. Because no honest man can stand that image.

Phil Cooper:
It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep.

Larry Mann:
Here's to the profound religious experience that comes from doing a job well and being grossly underpaid.

Bob Walker:
What if he wants to talk?

Larry Mann:
Well, then you talk Bob, you talk as long as he wants, forty days and forty nights, if you have to, until he tires of it. Then you come back here and tell us what happened.

Bob Walker:
You'll wait up?

Larry Mann:
Till the next fiscal quarter, beyond that I can't make any guarantees.

[first lines]

Phil Cooper:
[voice-over] No answer.

Bob Walker:
[voice-over] She must be out shopping.

Phil Cooper:
[voice-over] God forbid.

[last lines]

Phil Cooper:
[speaking on the phone] Hello? [pause] No, you, you just missed him. [pause] What's that? [pause] I love you too. [pause] Yeah.