The Blues Brothers

'Joliet' Jake Blues:
I hate Illinois Nazis.

'Joliet' Jake Blues:
Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.

Claire:
[When asked what music is played at Bob's Country Bunker] Oh we got both kinds. We got Country and Western.

Police Dispatcher:
Use of unnecessary violence in apprehension of the Blues Brothers . . . has been approved.

["Joliet" Jake and Elwood Blues are driving in the new Bluesmobile, a former police car.]

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
What's this?

Elwood Blues:
What?

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac?

[He tries the cigarette lighter, finds it doesn't work, and throws it out the window.]

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
The Caddy, where's the Caddy?

Elwood Blues:
The what?

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile.

Elwood Blues:
I traded it.

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
You traded the Bluesmobile for this?

Elwood Blues:
No, for a microphone.

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
A microphone? Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?

Elwood Blues:
This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect City police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
Well, thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.

[Fog horn and warning bell sounds.]

Elwood Blues:
You don't like it?

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
No, I don't like it.

[Elwood jumps the car over an opening drawbridge.]

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
Car's got a lot of pickup.

Elwood Blues:
It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say? Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?

[Jake lights a cigarette using his own lighter.]

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
Fix the cigarette lighter.

[Jake and Elwood arrive outside of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud, a Roman Catholic orphanage in which they grew up.]

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
What are we doing here?

Elwood Blues:
You promised you'd visit the Penguin the day you got out.

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
Yeah? So, I lied to her.

Elwood Blues:
You can't lie to a nun. We gotta go in and visit the Penguin.

"Joliet" Jake Blues:
No f***ing way!

Jake:
First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone, then you lie to me about the band, and now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!

Elwood:
They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God!

Elwood:
Man, I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet those cops have got "SCMODS".

Jake:
"SCMODS?"

Elwood:
"State/County/Municipal Offender Data System."

Mrs. Tarantino:
Are you the police?

Elwood:
No, ma'am. We're musicians.

[Jake and Elwood go to see the Penguin. She needs money, but refuses to accept theirs.]

Jake:
Guess you're really up sh*t creek then.

[The Penguin smacks Jake with her ruler.]

Penguin:
I beg your pardon?

Jake:
I offered you help.

Penguin:
Mmmmm...

Jake:
You refused to take our money.

Penguin:
Mmmhmmm...

Jake:
And then I said, "Guess you're really up sh*t creek"!

[The Penguin promptly smacks him again.]

[while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock Church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]

Jake:
The band? The band.

Reverend Cleophus James:
DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

Jake:
THE BAND!

Reverend Cleophus James:
DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

Elwood:
[Confused] What light?

Reverend Cleophus James:
HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?

Jake:
YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

Mrs. Murphy:
Help you boys?

Elwood:
You got any white bread?

Mrs. Murphy:
Yes.

Elwood:
I'll have some toasted white bread please.

Mrs. Murphy:
You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?

Elwood:
No ma'am, dry.

[Mrs. Murphy gives him a look, then turns to Jake]

Jake:
Got any fried chicken?

Mrs. Murphy:
Best damn chicken in the state.

Jake:
Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.

Mrs. Murphy:
You want chicken wings or chicken legs?

Jake:
Four fried chickens and a Coke.

Elwood:
And some dry white toast please.

Mrs. Murphy:
Y'all want anything to drink with that?

Elwood:
No, ma'am.

Jake:
A Coke.

Mrs. Murphy:
Be up in a minute.

[She goes into the kitchen, where Matt is cooking]

Mrs. Murphy:
We got two honkies out there dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.

Matt "Guitar" Murphy:
Say what?

Mrs. Murphy:
They look like they're from the CIA or somethin'.

Matt "Guitar" Murphy:
What they want to eat?

Mrs. Murphy:
The tall one wants white toast, dry, with nothin' on it.

Matt "Guitar" Murphy:
Elwood.

Mrs. Murphy:
And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a Coke.

Matt "Guitar" Murphy:
And Jake. Sh*t, the Blues Brothers!

[Mystery Woman starts shooting at Elwood and Jake]

Elwood:
Who is that girl?

Mystery Woman:
Well, Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.

Jake:
No problem.

Mystery Woman:
You're not gonna get away from me this time.

[Mystery Woman recklessly fires around the tunnel, causing pipes to leak and water to burst out]

Jake:
[gets up, his suit ruined by the mud] It's good to see you, sweetheart.

Mystery Woman:
You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.

[Jake walks forward a few steps and falls to his knees]

Jake:
Oh, please, don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love you, baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.

Mystery Woman:
You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.

Jake:
No I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas! I--I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

[Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire. Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]

Mystery Woman:
Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...

[Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]

Jake:
[to Elwood] Let's go.

[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]

Elwood:
[to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.

Elwood:
It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake:
Hit it.

[Elwood drives the Bluesmobile out of the tunnel, knocking the roofspeakers off as the Mystery Woman comes out and fires at them. The police hear the shots and fire at the Bluesmobile as well. After it gets away, the Mystery Woman sighs in frustration]

They'll never get caught. They're on a mission from God.

They're back.

The most dangerous combination since nitro and glycerine.

The show that really hits the road.

A briefcase full of blues.

[Jake and Elwood are driving at night]:

Elwood:
Sh*t!

Jake:
What?

Elwood:
Rollers.

Jake:
No!

Elwood:
Yep.

Jake:
Sh*t!

Jake:
Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.

Penguin:
No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!

Jake:
Well, then, I guess you're really up Sh*t Creek.

[The Penguin smacks Jake with her ruler.]

Penguin:
I beg your pardon; what did you just say?

Jake:
First, I offered to help you.

Penguin:
Mmmmm...

Jake:
Then you refused to take our money.

Penguin:
Mmmhmmm...

Jake:
Then I said, "I guess you're really up Sh*t Creek".

[The Penguin promptly smacks him again.]

Elwood:
Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.

[The Penguin hits Elwood]

Jake:
Oh, sh*t!

[The Penguin hits Jake]

Elwood:
Jesus Christ!

[The Penguin hits Elwood]

Jake:
Sh*t!

[Upon being kicked out of the orphanage, Elwood & Jake both take a tumble down the stairs]

Elwood & Jake:
Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! F***! F***! F***ing cock! F***! F***! F***!

Penguin:
You two are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies, and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back... until you've redeemed yourselves.

Jake:
We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.

Elwood:
Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not that be that easy, Jake.

Jake:
What are you talking about?

Elwood:
They split, they all took straight jobs.

Jake:
Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.

Elwood:
Well... I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?

Jake:
They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.

Elwood:
Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?

Jake:
You lied to me.

Elwood:
It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.

Jake:
You got us into this parking lot, pal! Now you get us out!

Elwood:
You want out of this parking lot? Okay!

Curtis:
Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.

Jake:
Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.

Curtis:
Jake, you get wise. You get to church.

Jake:
Hey, what's going on?!

Policeman:
Ah, those bums won their court case, so they're marching today.

Jake:
What bums?

Policeman:
The f***ing Nazi party.

Elwood:
Illinois Nazis.

Jake:
I hate Illinois Nazis!

Elwood:
It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake:
Hit it.

Elwood Blues:
We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community who have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time. We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the show. And please remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody.

Illinois Nazi Party Leader:
White men! White women! The swastika is calling you! The sacred and ancient symbol of your race since the beginning of time! The Jew is using the black as muscle against you! And you are left there, helpless. Well? What are you gonna do about it, whitey? Just sit there? Of course not! You are going to join with us! The members of the American Socialist White People's Party. An organization of decent law-abiding white folk, just like you.

Curtis:
Boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way.