The Bob Hope Show

Bob:
How old are you, Natalie?

Natalie:
18.

Bob:
18. It's hard to believe I'm almost twice your age! [audience laugh] Three times? Four? Let's not get nasty, huh!

[During an "I Love Lucy" skit, Lucy has smothered Ricky with kisses]

Ricky:
The last time you kissed me like that, you wrecked the car, the insurance company cancelled my insurance on everything, and you did my laundry in the whiring mixer!

['Ricky' throws his hat into the wardrobe, only for the sea lion Lucy has hidden inside to throw the hat back out]

Lucy:
Oh, close the door! I'm fumigating - we got termites!

Ricky:
Yeah, one of 'em must pitch for Cleveland!

Ricky:
Why are you fumigating the place? That's the landlord's job!

Lucy:
Well, Fred and Ethel are away. I'd just thought I'd help.

Ricky:
Oh, you're always helping, like when we went on our honeymoon. You thought we'd be lonesome, so you invited your mother to come along!

Lucy:
Well, I was just trying to help!

Ricky:
Who were you helping, your father?

Ricky:
[picking up a herring from a plate on the table] What is this? What are these Texas anchovies doing here?

Lucy:
That's my first dividend. I joined a herring of the month club!

Bob:
Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Marilyn:
Well, I'd love to, Bob, but I'm not sure I can afford it!

Bob:
Would you consider going out with a fella a little older than yourself?

Marilyn:
Well of course, Bob. Why, do you have a son?

Bob:
You know, I can't get over you. Your singing sure has improved.

Frank:
Really, well, when was the last time you heard me?

Bob:
At rehersal!

Frank:
You know, I can't get over you, Bob. The older you get, the funnier you get, and, man, you've grown hilarious!

Jack Benny:
This is the lousiest thing I've ever been in!