The Bride Came C.O.D.

Joan Winfield:
Don't you get lonesome being here all alone?

Pop Tolliver:
No, I like people. Not seeing many of 'em keeps me liking 'em.

Pop Tolliver:
Well, ain't much difference 'tween kidnapping and marriage. You get snatched from your parents, but in marriage nobody offers a reward.

Steve Collins:
That dame. Undoubtedly the outstanding screwball of her generation.

Steve Collins:
But, you can't marry this man you've known only four days. You've known head waiters longer.

Sheriff McGee:
One of you's gonna get married and the other one's going to jail, so you really got a lot in common.

Sheriff McGee:
Now, if you're really gonna fight let's not pay too much attention about breakin' clean and hittin' in the clinches. Let's have a nice, clean dirty fight.

Tommy Keenan:
Do you mind if I drink that champagne? I've got to take a pill.

Joan Winfield:
Do you feel poorly, Mr. Keenan?

Tommy Keenan:
Not yet, but I expect to in 39 minutes.

Lucius K. Winfield:
Well, I don't mind having a fortune hunter in the family, but I'll be darned if I'll stand for a piano player!

Hinkle:
What do you want from me? I'm not a bad guy. I go to a movie, a dog gets runned over, I'm the first guy to cry.

Peewee Defoe:
I tell you what - you feel like getting runned over, I'll be glad to do the same for you.

Hinkle:
[snarling as he walks away] Wise guy!

Peewee Defoe:
[as a retort] Wise guy!

Pop Tolliver:
Who's down there, or I'll shoot!

Steve Collins:
Well, go ahead and shoot - only make sure you aim at me!

Joan Winfield:
[after kissing Steve] Mustard!

Pop Tolliver:
Remember that bullet I whizzed right past your head?

Steve Collins:
Yeah, for a minute I thought you trying to hit me.

Pop Tolliver:
I was.

Pop Tolliver:
What do you want with your eggs, bacon or ham?

Steve Collins:
Bacon.

Joan Winfield:
Ham.

Pop Tolliver:
Okay, you'll both get bacon because I don't feel like cutting into a new ham.

Pop Tolliver:
How do you want your eggs, up or over?

Steve Collins:
Up.

Joan Winfield:
Over.

Pop Tolliver:
Okay, I'll make them all up so we don't get confused.

Sheriff McGee:
If there's nobody else here, why are you cooking six eggs?

Pop Tolliver:
I always eat six eggs for breakfast.

Sheriff McGee:
[sees the table] And do you always eat those six eggs on three plates?

Pop Tolliver:
No, those other two are for Coco here. [the black bird perches on his arm]

Steve Collins:
This is Californie, they were married by a justice of the peace from Nevada, so legally they're not married.

Lucius K. Winfield:
Well if they're not married, that's fine.

Steve Collins:
But they THINK they're married! And they're flying back to Los Angeles for their honeymoon!

Lucius K. Winfield:
They think they are and they're not? [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've heard in years! They think they are and they're not! And they've gone back for their honeymoon? [stops laughing] What am I laughing about? That's my daughter.

Joan Winfield:
[singsong] I'm not going anywhere with you!

Steve Collins:
Oh yes you are!

Joan Winfield:
No I'm not I'm not I'm nooooot.

Steve Collins:
Then Stevie will just have to come in and taaaake you!

Joan Winfield:
[pushes the dresser against the door to keep Steve out, he climbs in the window behind her, singsong] I'd like to see I'd like to see you taaaaaake me!

Steve Collins:
[mocking singsong voice] Anything to oblige, anything to oblige, anything to oblige a laaaaady!

Allen Brice:
What's wrong with me, may I ask?

Lucius K. Winfield:
We've had horse thieves in our family, but no tenors!

Joan Winfield:
You're not even good enough for the cuss words I know. - 00:22:54