The Broadway Melody

Hank Mahoney:
[after a cat-fight with a chorus girl] Next time I'll give you a facial instead of a scalp treatment!

Chorus Girl:
I'll fix you, ya little peanut!

Eddie Kearns:
Hank, did you see Queenie? What's the matter Hank, aren't ya happy? Wasn't Queenie great? Aren't ya proud of her?

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, of course, Eddie. I'm glad to see her make good. Oh, but, gee, we ain't never had to get by on our legs before.

Eddie Kearns:
Oh, that don't mean nothin', Hank. Those guys are not going to pay ten bucks to look at your face; this is Broadway!

Hank Mahoney:
Yeah, "Broad's way!"

Uncle Jed:
[Last lines] It's better to star in P-P-Pe-or, P-P-Pe - or, Osh Kosh than st-starve on Broadway.

Moe:
That's a bunk!

Hank Mahoney:
Now, you listen to me, Stupid, I'll handle things. Yes, and I'll have you back on Broadway and in The Palace! In less than six months.

Moe:
No foolin'?

Hank Mahoney:
Why, it's cream in the can, baby.

Uncle Jed:
Su-Su-Sure it is. Cre-Cre-Cre. It's, it's in the can!

[the Stage Manager is yelling at the electricians in the theater rafters]

Stage Manager:
[pointing to the stage] I told you, I want a spotlight *right here*!

[a miffed electrician drops a spotlight off the rafters. It lands on the stage with a crash]

Stage Manager:
[cowed] Thank you.

Queenie Mahoney:
Gee, this is elegant, ain't it!

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, honey, with your looks and my ability, Oh, I wouldn't steer you wrong. Oh, now, don't worry. You see that electric sign with the fella in BVDs?

Queenie Mahoney:
Yeah.

Hank Mahoney:
Well, right there, they're going to have the Mahoney Sisters.

Queenie Mahoney:
In BVDs?

Hank Mahoney:
Yes, in BVD - Baby, they were plenty smart when they made you beautiful.

Hank Mahoney:
Come on, let's get cleaned up before Eddie gets here. I'll run a tub for you.

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, nothing doing. We're in New York to stay!

Uncle Jed:
S-s-say, say listen, girls, you I-I know this town better than you do. And-and there are more sisters doing their acts over the lunch counters in New York, th-th-then over the - than in the theaters.

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, you're just a crepe hanger!

Hank Mahoney:
Well, we aren't leavin' this town, 'til we get a flash of Babe Ruth and Grant's Tomb.

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, goodbye Uncle Jed.

Uncle Jed:
If you wanna see me, just call me up.

Hank Mahoney:
Yeah, fine. You're in the phone book?

Uncle Jed:
You-you bet!

Eddie Kearns:
Queenie! All grown up and everything!

Hank Mahoney:
You see, that sisterly kiss won't be so hard to take now, will it?

Eddie Kearns:
I'll say it won't!

[Eddie kisses Queenie]

Hank Mahoney:
Take it big.

Eddie Kearns:
I did!

Eddie Kearns:
Gee... you were a funny looking thing when I first saw you, with those gangly legs and freckles. But, you certainly turned out to be a beautiful girl!

Queenie Mahoney:
Oh, I'll go get some clothes on.

Eddie Kearns:
"Mrs. Eddie Kearns" - sounds pretty doesn't it?

Hank Mahoney:
Swell, Eddie!

Eddie Kearns:
Yeah, and you can feature that anytime, in the electric lights.

Stage Manager:
Wait! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Listen, toots, what's the matter with the left leg?

Chorus Girl:
Well, I've got a headache.

Stage Manager:
Well, go on, sit down, take a load off your mind.

Hank Mahoney:
Say, maybe we better get undressed. Come on.

Hank Mahoney:
In a minute, I'm gonna lay that dame like a roll of linoleum!

Hank Mahoney:
And don't forget, we do things intimately. [Wink]

Hank Mahoney:
Say, you've been asking for trouble and now you're gonna get it! You great, big, peroxide-headed, dizzy blonde, you! What are you thinking of that!

Queenie Mahoney:
Oh, dear, I'm just shaky all over!

Hank Mahoney:
Oh, Queenie, will you stop. You're gettin' me nervous now. It ain't gonna be a bit different than it was in Reading, PA and we're going over just as big!

Queenie Mahoney:
Oh... do you think so?

Hank Mahoney:
Why, it's cream in the can, baby.

Zanfield Associate #1:
You think it's a good show then, Zany?

Francis Zanfield:
It's just an oil well, that's all.

Zanfield Associate #1:
Alright, let's see your gusher.

Zanfield Associate #2:
Looks like a mine to me, from all the gold diggers you got in the troupe!

Hank Mahoney:
One more crack from you, bimbo, and you'll be holding a lily!

Stagehand:
Listen, Mahoney, we want you up on the prow of that boat. Come on now. Take, get your clothes off.

Queenie Mahoney:
Oh, but, I don't want to take my clothes off!

Stage Manager:
You were great Mahoney!

Chorus Girl:
I'll say you were! You'll be riding in a Rolls Royce by Thursday! [laughter]

Stage Manager:
What a flock of Johns will be waiting at that Stage Door.

Queenie Mahoney:
Go on! You can't kid me!

Stage Manager:
I'm not kidding you. I may be there myself! [More laughter]

Queenie Mahoney:
Say Hank, do you think that's all I'll get to do? Go on without any clothes on?

Hank Mahoney:
Well, not if I can help it. But, you don't need to worry. Say you got a lot more on when you ain't got anything - from most of the dames I've seen around here!

Queenie Mahoney:
Yeah! Well, I guess I'll go get undressed again.

Eddie Kearns:
Well, let's go and get a bowl of chop suey and we'll rewrite the show!

Hank Mahoney:
Well, if you'll write me back in the show, I'd go for a bowl of anything.

Eddie Kearns:
Well, you can - get most anything out of a bowl of chop suey.

Queenie Mahoney:
Oh, Eddie, don't be such a crab!

Eddie Kearns:
Why do you let a guy like that hang around you?

Queenie Mahoney:
Say, will you lay off him! I'm sick of hearing you crab all the time!

Eddie Kearns:
I'll give him a sock in the nose!

Queenie Mahoney:
You and how many others?

Hank Mahoney:
I'm going to give her the swellest party she's ever had! Oh, Eddie, I love her so much!

Eddie Kearns:
You sure are regular, Hank.

Party Guest:
I brought the radio along with me.

Party Guest #2:
What can you get with that?

Party Guest:
Why, gee, I can get Chicago with that?

Party Guest #2:
Chicago? Why that's nothin'. I got Scotland last night.

Party Guest:
How do you know you got Scotland?

Party Guest #2:
Why, I heard the guy singing "The best things in life - are free".

Jacques Warriner:
I'd like to do a lot of things for you Queenie. How would you like an apartment, all your own? Say, on Park Avenue? And a car, all your own? Perhaps a Rolls Royce? Oh, and a lot of nice things.

Stew - Mr. Zanfield's Assistant:
Come on, little love boat, let's have this dance.

Hank Mahoney:
Say, what kind of a sap are you, anyway?

Eddie Kearns:
What do you mean?

Hank Mahoney:
Are you gonna let a John like that steal her away from you because he's got a little more Jack?

Hank Mahoney:
You're a coward! You're afraid of Jacques Warriner! Or, you'd go out and fight for her! But, you're just yella!

Eddie Kearns:
You think I'm yella, heh?

Hank Mahoney:
Sure, you're yella!

Eddie Kearns:
Well, I'll show you how much I'm yella!

Hank Mahoney:
Well, you're yella! You hear me! You're yella!

Eddie Kearns:
I'm yella, heh?

Hank Mahoney:
Yella! I said you are! You're yella! You're yella! You hear me!

Queenie Mahoney:
Listen, there's gonna be no part in your show for that dame! Get me?

Hank Mahoney:
[Instructions to the piano player] Now, give us a pick-up for an introduction and a couple of choruses. And swell to the finish. But you follow us, not us you.