The Chumscrubber

The Chumscrubber:
[on a morbid cartoon everyone is watching] I live in a city, but in an apartment high above the cloud left by the blast. I'm one of the lucky ones. One morning, I awoke to find my head was no longer attached to my body. I'm not dead, but who could call this a life? So I do what I can, in this city of freaks and subhuman creatures. I became... The Chumscrubber.

Crystal Falls:
Don't pretend you're someone you're not, because after a while you forget you were acting, and so will everyone else.

Various Teens:
[repeated line] It's for school.

Dean Stiffle:
I read this statistic once, that the average kid sees somethng like 10,000 dead bodies on TV before he turns 18.

Dean Stiffle:
Can/Will somebody pick up THE GOD DAMN PHONE!

Mrs. Johnson:
[repeated line to everyone] I just thought you should know that, in no way whatsoever, do I blame you for Troy's death.

Terri Bratley:
[after noticing officer Lou Bratley watching her from the other side of the street] I see you, Lou! Don't you think I can't see what you're doing, Lou! Can't you see I just don't f***ing love you anymore!

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] Hello? Ask for Dean. Is Dean there, please?

Billy:
[playing Charley's "Chumscrubber" video game] Ah! Come on! Let's see some f***ing gore/blood already.

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone] What do you want?

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone] What are you talking about, man? Who?

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] We got Charlie. Your brother. We kidnapped your brother. I got him right now. He's scared shitless.

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone] Why did you kidnap my brother?

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] So you know I'm not f***ing around. I want the stuff from Troy.

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone] I all ready told you...

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] I don't think you're listening. You are going to get me Troy's drugs.

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone] Or what?

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] Don't push me, psycho.

Billy:
[talking to dean in the phone] I'll kill him. That's what I'm gonna kill him. I'm not f***ing around, man. I swear to God! I'll cut off his f***ing head!

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to billy in the phone and then hangs up on billy while he is done calling/answering with billy] Fine. Kill him.

Crystal Falls:
Billy, what did he say?

Billy:
He said for us to kill him. Maybe he is crazy.

Lee:
[leave from Billy and Crystal after from high school to gets in car with the parents are here in high school] Sh*t. My parents.

Billy:
Here's the deal, psycho. Troy has something we need, and since you guys were such good butt-buddies, you're gonna go get it for us.

Dean:
[Talking to Crystal Falls in the Phone] Are you guys just f***ing with me, again or is this real?

Billy:
you're gonna go get it for us.

Dean:
Get what?

Billy:
and maybe I won't have to kick your ass.

Charlie Stiffle:
[playing a video game] Son of a b*tch!

Mrs. Stiffle:
Charlie! I am doing Veggie Force!

Dr. Bill Stiffle:
How do you feel about the suicide of your best friend in the world?

Dean Stiffle:
[pause] Real shitty.

Dr. Bill Stiffle:
Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some other kids at school.

Dean Stiffle:
Yeah?

Dr. Bill Stiffle:
How do you feel about that?

Dean Stiffle:
I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.

Dr. Bill Stiffle:
That's very interesting. Why do you say that?

Dean Stiffle:
Because he killed himself.

Dean Stiffle:
Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books, I'm going to kill you.

Dr. Bill Stiffle:
Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country that will disagree with you on that point.

Crystal Falls:
[after Crystal's friends have mocked Troy's death to humiliate Dean] Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened back there.

Dean Stiffle:
Why? Did you do it?

Crystal Falls:
No, but my friends did.

Dean Stiffle:
Some pretty nice friends you got there.

Crystal Falls:
What are you saying? It's better to have no friends at all?

Dean Stiffle:
Actually, yes.

Mr. Parker:
Those kids again, Lee?

Lee:
We're doing a group project.

Mr. Parker:
With them, Lee? You think they care what grades you get?

Lee:
Mom...

Mr. Parker:
Look, son, you let your grades go now, maybe you don't get into a top tier school.

Lee:
Yeah.

Mr. Parker:
You don't get into a top tier school, maybe you settle for a second-rate job. Maybe you don't have the life you want. Maybe each and every day you wake up and wanna crawl back into bed and tell the world to go to hell.

Mrs. Parker:
We're just saying, you've worked too hard to blow it in your last year.

'Mr. Parker:
We've all worked hard together.

Crystal Falls:
I don't think you're crazy.

Dean Stiffle:
You know, there are several major book chains that would be willing to disagree with you on that point.

Crystal Falls:
How do you eat that?

Dean Stiffle:
In pretty much the standard way.

Crystal Falls:
You know, if I ate that everyday, I would get a big fat ass.

Dean Stiffle:
Is that your greatest fear?

Crystal Falls:
No, but it's my mother's greatest wish.

Dean Stiffle:
What? That you be fat?

Crystal Falls:
No, just fatter than her.

Mrs. Johnson:
[at Troy's memorial] It's my fault. I know it is. I didn't even know him. I didn't know my own son.

Dean Stiffle:
Try wanted to play guitar in a rock band -be famous- but he knew he wasn't any good and he felt stupid for wishing that. He had a crush on this girl since he was 13, that he'd never talked to. But he probably wished he would've. He liked you, but he felt sorry for you. He was afraid he'd be like his dad. He was really, really smart, but he kept all his ideas to himself, unless you asked. He took great pictures of people without them even knowing. I miss him, you know? He was my friend. He was my best friend. And I hate myself that I didn't even know he was about to do this.

[pause]

Mrs. Johnson:
Thank you.

Crystal Falls:
[Billy is playing Charlie's tuba] What are you doing?

Billy:
I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems to be what all the chicks are into, you know?

Crystal Falls:
Yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long. It was unreal.

[Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it]

Crystal Falls:
Oh my god, Billy - why would you do that?

Billy:
Because I'm a stupid bastard?

Billy:
[to Charlie] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a p*ssy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.

[Charlie weakly hits him]

Billy:
No, really come at me like you got a pair.

[Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]

Billy:
Good! That was good!

Crystal Falls:
Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charlie?

Lee:
He's about half your size, man.

Billy:
Are you f***ing kidding me? We f***ing kidnapped this f***ing kid! Am I the only person who f***ing remembers that?

Lee:
You're such a dick.

Crystal Falls:
I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done.

Billy:
What the f*** are you talking about?

Mr. Peck:
Who put that knife in the wall?

Billy:
I did.

Mr. Peck:
You're gonna fix that.

Billy:
It's my room.

Mr. Peck:
No this is not your room. This is a room in my house. This is my room.

Billy:
So then you can fix it.

Lee:
He won't die!

Billy:
You wuss!

Lee:
He's stronger than he looks!

Billy:
Here! Stab him!

Lee:
Where?

Billy:
I don't know! In the stomach or something!

Lee:
[stabs Charlie] Sh*t!

Charley Bratley:
You stabbed me in the stomach!

Billy:
Is it deep?

Lee:
[to Charlie] Is it deep?

Charley Bratley:
[pause] F*** you!

Billy:
[sighs] No, it's not deep.

Lee:
Well, f***ing pardon me!

Meet Generation Rx

Dean Stiffle:
[talking to Billy in the phone] What do you want? What are you talking about, man? Who?

Billy:
We got Charlie. Your brother. We kidnapped your brother. I got him right now. He's scared shitless.

Dean Stiffle:
Why did you kidnap my brother?

Billy:
So you know I'm not f***ing around. I want the stuff from Troy.

Dean Stiffle:
I already told you...

Billy:
I don't think you're listening. You are going to get me Troy's drugs.

Dean Stiffle:
Or what?

Billy:
Don't push me, psycho.

Dean Stiffle:
Or what?

Billy:
I'll kill him. That's what I'm gonna kill him. I'm not f***ing around, man. I swear to God! I'll cut off his f***ing head!

Dean Stiffle:
Fine. Kill him. [hangs up]

Crystal Falls:
Billy, what did he say?

Billy:
He said for us to kill him. Maybe he is crazy.