The Cure

Dexter:
I'm not sure I understand why you have to try all this stuff too.

Erik:
Don't you know anything about scientific method?

Dexter:
A little.

Erik:
Well you have to have a control group, so you can see if the results are uniform.

Linda:
[crying] I'm sorry.

Erik:
I'm sorry too. I shoulda tried harder.

Linda:
Tried what?

Erik:
To find the cure.

Linda:
Come here sweetie. You did, you did. Everything that was sent in Dexter's life was sad, alone, you made it go away. Dexter was happy to have you as a friend.

Dr. Jenson:
Look, history is full of very sick people, who suddenly, for no reason at all, get better. And when that happens we call it a miracle. From the moment I met you I knew you were special, and that you might be one of those people. You know I'm tellin' you the truth, don'tcha? You can feel that inside ye, can'tcha? So don't let me down, okay? I'm countin' on you to make me famous.

Erik:
One time there was this kid, and he went swimming after eating, and he got a stomach cramp and he started to drown, but the sturgeon general grabbed him by his shirt and put him on the shore.

[Looking at a Playboy magazine]

Dexter:
This doesn't look like my mom.

Erik:
These aren't moms. These are women. This is what they're supposed to look like.

Dexter:
This is stupid.

Erik:
Yeah? Well, about twenty years ago there was this guy. He noticed some mold growing on his bread and he started feeding it to people. Everybody said he was stupid. You know what it turned out to be? Aspirin!

Erik:
Hey! What would you do if I come over there and whopped your ass?

Dexter:
How long would that take?

Erik:
'Bout 10 seconds.

Dexter:
I'd wait till you're finished and then I'd continue working on my mud fort.

Erik:
You mean you'd just let me beat you up?

Dexter:
I'd try to stop you but I probably wouldn't be able to, I'm not very big.

Erik:
Well in that case it'd only take 5 seconds.

Dexter:
So is that what you're gonna do?

Erik:
Maybe later.

Dexter:
Hello? You still there?

Dexter:
Suppose you kept going another 18 billion light years, what if there's nothing out there? Suppose you kept going another trillion times further, so far out you see nothing. The light from the universe would be fainter than the faintest star. Infinitely cold. Infinitely dark. Sometimes if I wake up and it's dark, I get really scared, like I'm out there and I'm never coming back.

Erik:
Here, hold onto this when you sleep. And if you wake up and you're scared, you'll say, "Wait a minute. I'm holding Eric's shoe. Why the hell would I be holding some smelly basketball shoe a trillion light years from the universe? I must be here on earth, safe in my sleeping bag, and Eric must be close by."

Tyler:
Hey, Erika. How's your new boyfriend next door?

Erik:
He's not next door, he's behind me. I ain't never even seen him.

Tyler:
"I ain't never even seen him." Who are your neighbors then? Gomer Pyle and his brother Guber?

Erik:
Eat sh*t.

Tyler:
What was that? Hey come back here, F*ggot! Hey I said come back here!

Garbage Truck Driver:
Hey get out of the road! Go on!

Erik:
A**hole.

Erik:
What about your little brother when he fell off the monkey bars at school and got real hurt, they had to take him to the hospital. He could've caught something then.

Tyler:
But he didn't.

Erik:
But he could've. Then everybody would be calling him f*ggot and queer, and he'd get sick and die. And they'd write 'Homo' on his headstone. And when your mother went to bring him flowers, she'd see Little Eddie Horner Homo. But you know what the worst part about it would be? Probably before he died a bunch of a**holes like you who ain't sick, thought it might be fun just to beat the sh*t out of him!

Erik:
So they think I'm a f*ggot. And now all of a sudden I'm yelling the same stuff at them. Well they know I'm not a f*ggot, 'cause a f*ggot wouldn't yell "f*ggot" back. That's why you should've yelled "f*ggot" too.

Dexter:
I wouldn't feel right saying that.

Erik:
Why the hell not?

Dexter:
This one is the worst yet!

Erik:
My grandma says, the worse it tastes, the better it works.

Dexter:
Your K-Mart clerk grandma?

Erik:
...Drink.

Erik:
Hey thanks for moving in here. Now all the kids at school call me "f*ggot" and walk on the other side of the hall.

Dexter:
I gotta live somewhere.

[Reading a Playboy magazine]

Dexter:
It says she was born in 1975.

Erik:
She doesn't look that old.

Dexter:
Where do bugs go to the bathroom?

Erik:
It's not on leaves. Not even bugs are stupid enough to sh*t on their own food.

Dexter:
[They make a tea from some found leaves] Tastes like crap.

Erik:
No sh*t, don't you know where bugs go to the bathroom?

Dr. Jenson:
So, I hear your road to the Nobel Prize hit a few potholes?

Erik:
More like the Grand Canyon.

Gail:
[while reading the newspaper] Some women saw that little AIDS boy at Peterson's yesterday.

Erik:
It's in the newspaper?

Gail:
No. Jan told me. I seen him in his yard but I didn't know he left the house.

Linda:
Dexter, is Erik staying for dinner?

Dexter:
Waka.

Erik:
That means 'yes', white woman.

Erik:
Dexter was laughing his ass off.

Dr. Jenson:
Oh, that's what happened to it. I thought he was just on a diet.

Erik:
So long, faggots! You got brains the size of boogers, you homo queer bastards!

Erik:
[Erik and Dexter were placed on an island, roasting hot dogs] This sucks. [His hot dog falls into the fire] Dammit! This isn't fair!

Pony:
What?

Erik:
I said THIS SUCKS!

Pony:
Ooh! "This sucks". "Gross, Man".

Erik:
It's 9:00! When I gave you the money, you said we were going STRAIGHT to New Orleans!

Angle:
So you'll get there a couple days later, it's not gonna kill you.

Erik:
Shut up, ANGLE!

Pony:
Hey, YOU shut up, you little sh*t! Want me to swim over there and pound your ass?

Erik:
We really took this moron Pony to the cleaners. The money we gave him won't pay for half his gas.

Dexter:
This boat is FROM New Orleans. He's on his way home.

Erik:
Now what makes you think that? [Walks to the back and peers down at the sign, "Floating Bayou, New Orleans, Louisiana"] Sh*t!

Dexter:
[They are opening candy bars in the store] Are we allowed to do this?

Erik:
Of course. How else you supposed to know what you're gonna get.

Tyler:
Hey, how much you pay for that f*ggot? You guys took a wrong turn. This is a 'No Homo' zone.

Erik:
I ain't a homo. And neither is he. He got it from a blood transfusion.

Tyler:
Well then what's that awful smell?

Erik:
Well see, we was walking across the grass when we accidentally stepped in your mother.

Dexter:
What's your name?

Angle:
Angel.

Dexter:
[notices her tattoo] You misspelt your tattoo. It doesn't say "Angel", it says "Angle".

Angle:
Yeah, I'm aware of that now.

Dexter:
Have to eat my lunch now.

Erik:
Why don't you just eat whenever you're hungry?

Dexter:
'Cause if I only ate when I was hungry, I wouldn't be here.

Dexter:
There's something I have to tell you. My mom likes to call me 'Sweetie'.

Erik:
Ha ha ha. "Sweetie"?

Dexter:
You gotta promise not to laugh.

Linda:
[At dinner] You want some more carrots, sweetie?

Erik:
[as Linda goes to the kitchen; while laughing] You didn't finish all your meat loaf, love muffin.

Dexter:
Would you shut up?

Erik:
[fake crying] Doctor, my friend... I think he is dead, and I don't know what to do...

Erik:
Why can't I go see Dad?

Gail:
[thinks for a moment] Well, call him. If he says "yes," I'll put you on the next plane. You know, you and his little friend Cindy could go to the movies and get in for half price.

Erik:
She's 23, Mom.

Gail:
Oh, amazing. Old enough to drink.

Erik:
Yeah, but she doesn't.

Linda:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Erik:
Yeah I had a girlfriend but I had to dump her, spend, spend, spend!

Linda:
[Grabbing Gail by her blouse and backing her into the wall] I want to tell you two things. The first is Erik's best friend died today and he is going to the funeral.

Linda:
[struggling] And the second is if you ever lay a hand on that boy again I will kill you! Do you understand?

Dexter:
You'd be crazy to stab me. My blood is like poison. One drop could kill you.

[Erik is in the back yard and hears somebody coughing.]

Erik:
Who's there?

Dexter:
Are you asking me?

Erik:
Are you spying on me?

Dexter:
No, I'm working on my mud fort. What are you doing?

Erik:
My grandmother says you're going to hell. She says you'll suffer external torture from a billion flames, hotter than the center of the sun.

Dexter:
Hmm. She must be some kind of genius.

Erik:
What?

Dexter:
Well, my doctor's really smart - he says he has no idea what happens to people after they die. If your grandmother knows she must be a genius.

Erik:
She's a clerk at K-Mart.

[Looking surprised at Dexter.]

Erik:
How old are you?

Dexter:
11.

Erik:
Jesus, you're a midget.

Dexter:
Well, if you look at the lower limit at what's considered normal for my age - I'm only 4 inches shorter.

[Traveling down a stream.]

Dexter:
It seems to me that the depth of the water would be the key. Obviously in the middle of the ocean the shark would win and on dry land the lion would win. So, how much water are we talking about?

Erik:
Two and a half feet.

Dexter:
...and how big is the shark?

Erik:
Eleven feet.

Dexter:
I still say that the lion would win.

Erik:
Wrong.

Dexter:
How can you be sure?

Erik:
...because I did research on it at Stanford University; shark won easily.

[Looking for flowers.]

Dexter:
I've been wondering about something. Where do bugs go to the bathroom?

Erik:
Not on leaves.

Dexter:
How can you be sure?

Erik:
...because bugs eat leaves. Not even bugs are stupid enough to shoot on their own food.

[Erik has boiled tea from some flowers]

Erik:
Go ahead.

Dexter:
[Drinks and feeling disgusted] Hmm. Oh. Tastes like crap.

Erik:
No sh*t. Don't you know where bugs go the bathroom? [Puts in several sugar cubes and gives back]

Dexter:
Sweet and crap.

[Linda and Erik return from the hospital after Dexter has just passed. Erik's mom opens the passenger door and begins to smack Erik on the head and pull him from the car.]

Linda:
Now hold on just a minute. Can I talk to you inside, please?

Erik:
We were just... [Linda interrupts]

Linda:
Erik, shut up. [to Gail] Just for a minute.

[The two women walk into the house.]

Gail:
What?

Linda:
I have two things I want to say to you.

[Linda pins her against the wall]

Linda:
The first is, Erik’s best friend died today and he is going to the funeral. And the second is, if you lay a hand on that boy again, I will kill you. Do you understand?

[The women walk back outside.]

Gail:
[To Erik, in a calm voice] Let's go.

[Erik looks at Linda, she smiles and nods her head.]

Dexter:
[Letter to mom] "Dear mom, I've gone with Erik, but I've brought along my medicine so there's no reason to worry. We plan to be careful and sensible. Whatever you do, make sure you remember to tape Star Wars, 8 PM, channel 5. I love you very much. Sincerely, Dexter."