The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys

Francis Doyle:
That's all?

Newsie:
Man, that's enough to melt an elephant.

Tim:
Excuse my friend. He thinks he wants to melt two elephants.

Sister Assumpta:
Blake. A little advance don't you think?

Tim:
Not really Sister. It's written simply enough for a six year old.

Sister Assumpta:
So are the instructions for a handgun.

Tim:
I burned all the skin off my hands. I can barely curl my fingers now.

Francis Doyle:
There goes your sex life.

Sister Assumpta:
But make no mistake, the culprits will be fingered. I will finger the culprits.

Joey Anderson:
It's Major Screw going at it with an evil warrior babe.

Tim:
Going at what?

Joey Anderson:
69.

Wade Scalisi:
That looks more like 47.

Naturalist:
The head of the sexually aroused adult gobbler can change into a variety of shades of red, white and blue. Yeah, it's a very patriotic bird.

Newsie:
Hey it's the altar boys. Here to get altered?

Francis Doyle:
Damnit Sullivan, I don't believe it, we just knocked out a cougar with a K-Mart blow gun!

Tim:
Alright, seems like the perfect spot for deciding what you really want in life.

Francis Doyle:
My own comic book bigger than anything that Marvel or DC has.

Tim:
No, I'm talking about what you really want right now, like revenge on the one legged b*tch in black and white!

Francis Doyle:
[yells] Margie Flynn!

Tim:
Sh*t. I knew it, Margie Flynn.

Margie Flynn:
I used to let Donny do... things to me.

Francis Doyle:
What kind of things?

Margie Flynn:
Everything.

Francis Doyle:
Wait, Donny who?

[pause]

Francis Doyle:
Donnie, your brother?

Tim Sullivan:
You've got to aim lower.

[Donny tosses the ball hard into Tim's groin]

Donny Flynn:
That low enough?

Tim Sullivan:
Not as low as f***ing your own sister.

Tim:
Don't you ever tell me to get real. I know what f***ing real is okay.

Francis Doyle:
When you look at me, I can hardly breathe.

Naturalist:
That's a very thoughtful question...

Tim:
Risk leads to greatness.

Joey Anderson:
That's not true guys, cus there is a bone in your penis, thats why they call it a boner.

Wade Scalisi:
oh, oh yea you're right... SHUT UP! [hits Joey]

Joey Anderson:
what was that for?

Wade Scalisi:
You're an idiot.

Francis Doyle:
Hey Joey, didn't you say something about a wet washcloth?

Joey Anderson:
...Yeah.

Francis Doyle:
I think I found your girlfriend!

Father Casey:
Jesus H Christ!

Tim:
What does the H stand for Father?

Tim:
Are you with me here, altar boy?

Mrs. Doyle:
[Francis is drawing a girl, remarkably resembling Margie] Girlfriend?

Francis Doyle:
I don't have a girlfriend.

Mrs. Doyle:
From the body, I'd guess Farrah Fawcett-Majors. From the face, I'd say that Flynn girl.

Tim:
Serious trouble beats serious boredom.

Margie Flynn:
Francis, tell me the most amazing thing you've ever heard.

Francis Doyle:
[pause] There's this fish that lives at the bottom of the ocean and it has a spine sticking out of its head to lure prey. The females are the glowing ones and the males are smaller. After the male fish hatch, they bite onto a female, like parasites. But after a while they grow into each other and share the same blood and everything... They turn into one single fish.

Margie Flynn:
Wow... that's really weird.

Tim Sullivan:
*They? There is no they, we are they.*

[first lines]

Francis Doyle:
Tell me again why we're doing this.

Tim:
Homework, Francis. Your future's built on it.

Francis Doyle:
[whispered] Right.

[last lines]

Francis Doyle:
[reading from William Blake's The Tygre] Tyger Tyger, burning bright, / In the forests of the night; / What immortal hand or eye, / Could frame thy fearful symmetry? / In what distant deeps or skies. / Burnt the fire of thine eyes? / On what wings dare he aspire? / What the hand, dare seize the fire? / And what shoulder, & what art, / Could twist the sinews of thy heart? / When the stars threw down their spears / And water'd heaven with their tears: / Did he smile his work to see? / Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Francis Doyle:
[drawing a graveyard as a comic book cover] [title card] [the Adventures of Skeleton Boy... ] [written on a tombstone] [... R.I.P]

Skeleton Boy:
[Maniacal Laughter] [Spits glowing green onto the tombstone]

Skeleton Boy:
[title card] [Written in venom green spit on the tombstone] [Episode 1]