The Devil's Brother

Stanlio:
Why don't we start at the top?

Ollio:
Whatya mean?

Stanlio:
Well, why don't we become bandits? Then we wouldn't have to work hard anymore. Let's get it the easy way. We could rob the rich and give them to the poor, and we could have all...

Ollio:
[Interrupting him] That's the first time you've shown any intelligence.

Stanlio:
Well, it's the first time you've listened to me. You know if you listened to me, in a while you'd be a lot better off.

Ollio:
I guess you're right. Tell me that plan again.

Stanlio:
[Bewildered] All of it?

Ollio:
Certainly, certainly!

Stanlio:
Well, if we became rich and we robbed the poor and gave them to the bandits and... we could start at the top, and we'd get to the bottom without working hard anymore. We can't go wrong. It's the law of conversation.

Ollio:
What do you mean?

Stanlio:
Well, as ye cast your bread on the waters, so shall ye reap.

Ollio:
That's very well thought out!

Ollio:
I'm not afraid of poverty.

Stanlio:
But I am.

Stanlio:
[after being robbed of all his savings] Oh, well, come easy, go easy - that's my motto.

Ollio:
[seeing Stanlio drunk] You're spiffed!

Stanlio:
I don't want to be walking around with my throat cut.

Ollio:
[marches importantly up to Lord Rocburg's bedroom door and pompously tugs the bell cord; the bell rings very loudly and raucously, swinging violently on its pivot, then pulls loose from its mount and flies through the air, beaning Lord Rocburg]

Lord Rocburg:
[giving his famous comical look of offended outrage, scrunching up his face and shaking his head in pain and shocked indignation] Oooooh... phwooof!

Ollio:
[knocking importantly on the door after he hears the bell come loose, his head turned slightly away from the door, and with an arrogantly formal and innocently charming smile on his face]

Lord Rocburg:
[storms over to the door and flings it open]

Ollio:
[still knocking on the door without observing; when Lord Rocburg opens it, Hardy is "between knocks" and is so intent on acting formal and looking elegant that he is unaware that the door is now open, and so he snaps his knuckles forward once again toward where the door had just been, but where Lord Rocburg's head is now, and so he firmly taps him on the forehead a couple times] Ah... I BEG your pardon... hm-hm-hm-hm! [proffers the serving tray with a flourish and a disarming closed-eyed smile] With the Marquis's compliments!

Lord Rocburg:
[drawing himself up and back slightly in a gesture of surprised indignance] Humph! Kindly inform the Marquis that I am VETTY PITTICULUH with whom I DTINK! [gives a very firm, almost ferocious nod for emphasis, causing his nightcap's long stocking-tassel to wave and bob ridiculously, then irritably turns back through the door and slams it shut again]

Stanlio:
[looks at Hardy with his classic "nothing more we can do" expression and helpless shrug, then lifts the huge wine goblet from its tray and slowly and deliberately pours the entire contents down his throat]

Ollio:
[in his classic "attempting to remain good-natured" tone of disgust] WHY did you drink that?

Stanlio:
Well, I was afraid I mawght SPILL it. [gives an affirming nod of assurance]

Ollio:
[feigning a pleasant agreeable attitude] Come on... [follows Laurel a few steps down the hall till they are out of earshot of Lord Rocburg's bedroom, then gives Laurel a hard shove] [disgustedly] Afraid of SPILLING IT!

Stanlio:
[conks Hardy on the head with the serving tray]

Ollio:
[giving his famous cry-baby howl of pain] Oooooh-hooh-hooh-hoooooh! [rushes at Laurel and they start to scuffle, then lose their balance and tumble down the stairs]

Fra Diavolo:
[watching his servants roll noisily down the stairway and land in an untidy heap at the bottom, then hurriedly sit up and smile at him and preen their disheveled clothes in an attempt to act as if nothing is wrong] What are you two trying to do - - break your necks? Ohhh, I shoulda done it for you in the FIRST place!

Stanlio:
[to a Guard] Leave us alone, or I'l tell Diavalo on you.

Ollio:
He doesn't mean Diavalo, sir; he means the Marquis de San Marco. [realizes he's made the connection between the two] Oooooohhhhh.

Matteo:
[in a major huff of frustration and bruised male ego over his not having Stanlio's limber dexterity] All night long... I could not sleep! I tried to do THIS - -! [alternately slaps his knees and shoulders to demonstrate Stanlio's playing "kneesy-earsy-nosey"] - - COULDN'T DO IT! NOW... you worry me... WITH THIS! [irritably mashes his hands together and furiously waggles his fingers around amongst each other to imitate Stanlio's playing "finger-wiggle"] What I wish youuuuu - - [gestures helplessly above his head to indicate his enraged feelings - - obviously he wishes either that Stanlio was dead or that he would go to "H"] - - I cannot SAY!