The Eiger Sanction

[Referring to Hemlock's written assessment]

Jemima Brown:
Crap?

Jonathan Hemlock:
Excuse me? You did just start this conversation off by saying crap didn't you?

Jonathan Hemlock:
I can't believe that you're a stewardess.

Jemima Brown:
Actually I'm not, I'm a skyjacker in a drag.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Oh, that's reassuring, just give your name and I report you to the proper authorities when we land.

Jemima Brown:
Jemima

Jonathan Hemlock:
And I'm Uncle Ben...

Jemima Brown:
I'm serious, that's really my name... Jemima Brown, my mother was hooked on being ethnic.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Or else turned on by a pancake. As long as we both agree that it's to much for a black chick to have the name of Jemima.

Jemima Brown:
Well I don't know, I mean people don't forget you when you name is Jemima.

Jonathan Hemlock:
I don't think people would forget you if your name was Alfred.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
You still here?

Pope:
Now really, you don't expect me to just walk out that door, do you, sweetheart?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Door or window, it's your choice.

[Hemlock throws Pope out of his office]

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Don't for get your trench coat. How's anybody gonna recognize you without your disguise?

Miss Cerberus:
I was expecting you before this. Mr. Dragon does not like to be kept waiting.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Oh, the impatient albino.

Miss Cerberus:
I don't think Mr. Dragon's affliction is a joking matter.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
I thought it was rather humorous, myself. A spy network being run by a bloodless freak who can't stand light or cold.

Miss Cerberus:
Or germs. Are you healthy?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Should I turn my head and cough?

Miss Cerberus:
No known infections?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Nothing other than the usual, syphilis, running sores, and the clap.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
It's dangerous, child, to come to conclusions when you don't have any facts. Now let me lay some on you. Sure Dragon knows what he's doing, just like he knew what he was doing when he worked for the Nazis during World War II.

Jemima Brown:
What?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Oh, you didn't know that, did you? Yes your "wrap him up in red, white, and blue" Mr. Dragon's a goddamn Hessian, that's what he is. And he'd sell out the other side as fast as he'd sell out our side. And he'd sell out his mother, too, if the bloodless freak had one.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
You think it's so awful the other side has a germ formula? It's against the Geneva Convention, isn't it, and they stole it from us. Well what the hell are we doing with it in the first place? We're not supposed to have one either.

Jemima Brown:
And you don't see any difference between their side and our side?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Yeah, I see a difference. But as long as we have Dragon and Pope working for us, how bad can the other side be?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
You betrayed the both of us in Asia, and we lived, no thanks to you. Now you people have killed Henri in Zurich.

Miles Mellough:
I didn't actually kill him, you know.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Well I probably won't *actually* kill you.

Miles Mellough:
That's very little comfort.

[Hemlock strands Mellough in the middle of the desert]

Miles Mellough:
Jonathan, you're not going to leave me out here? Oh, Jonathan, for chrissakes, kill me but don't leave me here!

Jemima Brown:
Is this hotel always so crowded?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Only when there's a climb. Then the Eiger birds start flocking in.

Jemima Brown:
Eiger birds?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Yeah, jet setters, assorted zombies, come here to watch a climb. If they're lucky, they get to see a man die on the mountain.

Jemima Brown:
That's grim.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
So's the Eiger.

Ben Bowman:
What got into Jean-Paul?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
I don't know. A little jumpy, I guess.

Ben Bowman:
You been jumping his wife?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
No, why?

Ben Bowman:
You sure?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Well, I think it's something I'd know.

Pope:
Search Division has drawn a blank on the target. All we know is he's here somewhere.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Miles Mellough knew who it was.

Pope:
He did? Did he tell you?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
He offered to, but the price was too high.

Pope:
Well, what'd he want, then?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
To live.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Pope, I really don't mind you being an a**hole, you really can't help that, but I do mind you lying to me like I was a fool. Now you came here with one thought in mind, and that was to attach yourself to me so the target would know who I am and what I am. Now, who's gonna perform this sanction if he gets me? You?

Pope:
You don't think I can handle it?

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
In a locked closet with a grenade.

[Bowman watches the climb through his telescope]

British Tourist:
I say, old boy, are you using your scope? Do you mind if my wife has a peek.

British Tourist's Wife:
Darling, tell him we'll pay for it.

British Tourist:
We can pay for it, you know.

Ben Bowman:
Get out of here. Either of you friggin' vampires ever touch this telescope, you're gonna need surgery to get it out of your ass!

Woman Journalist:
Tell me, Mr. Bowman, in your opinion do these men climb to prove their manhood, or is it more a matter of compensating for inferiority feelings?

Ben Bowman:
Lady, why don't you go get yourself screwed. It would do you a lot of good.

[Hemlock saves Meier from falling off the mountain]

Anderl Meier:
You're very good. I have really enjoyed climbing with you.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
We'll make it.

Anderl Meier:
I don't think so. But we shall continue with style.

Ben Bowman:
He looks like he could change a nine-dollar bill in threes.

Dragon:
[Hemlock has walked in while Dragon is hooked up to a transfusion device] Forgive me, Dr. Hemlock. Twice a year I have to have my blood completely replaced.

Jonathan Hemlock:
[through gritted teeth] With what?

Dragon:
[laughing] A joke... a bitter Hemlock.

Jonathan Hemlock:
[after fighting and stepping on Popes hand] Okay, you'll be alright now Pope. Of course you may have trouble playing the clarinet for awhile.

Art Student:
I've never felt this close to art before.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
How nice.

Art Student:
But I have a problem.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
How terrible.

Art Student:
If I don't keep my "B" average, I'll lose my scholarship and I don't think I'll do well on your final exam. I've gained a while new feeling about art but sometimes you can't put your true feelings down on paper.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
How true.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Are you busy this evening?

Art Student:
No.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
You live alone?

Art Student:
My roommate's gone for the week.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Good. Then... go on home, break out the books and study your little ass off. That's the best way to maintain a "B" average. Don't study it all off.

Miles Mellough:
For what I want in this world, I would even sell out my dear mother.

Jonathan Hemlock:
How true!

Jonathan Hemlock:
Why did she do it?

Ben Bowman:
Oldest reason in the world.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Love?

Ben Bowman:
Money!

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
[to his class] Some of you will continue in your education. Some of you will continue with your interest in art. Some of you will have interests other than that. If we've learned nothing else this year, I hope you've learned the stupidity of the statement that art belongs to the world. 'Cause art belongs to the cultivated who can appreciate it. The majority of the great unwashed does not fit into this category... and neither, I'm sorry to say, do most of you.

Pope:
My superior wants to see you.

Jonathan Hemlock:
[sarcastically] Well, that doesn't limit the field much!

Jemima Brown:
Friends? Enemies? Where do I fit in?

Jonathan Hemlock:
I'm sorry, but you don't. Here's to the selfish killer and the patriotic whore! Do you have anything else to say? I usually keep a twenty in the bowl by the door. You might pick it up on the way out!

Karl Freytag:
I consider it self-defeating to plan in terms of retreat.

Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
I consider it stupid not to.

Ben Bowman:
john, do what I tell you. cut the rope above you!

Ben Bowman:
Wanna Beer?

Jonathan Hemlock:
You gonna call room service?

Ben Bowman:
We got beer.

Jonathan Hemlock:
If you hauled beer up this rock you're insane!

Ben Bowman:
I may be insane, but I'm not stupid. I didn't carry it, you did! It's in your pack.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Christ, I ought'a throw you off this pillar! Besides, it's warm.

Ben Bowman:
Oh I'm sorry, I thought you'd draw the line on haulin' ice.

Jonathan Hemlock:
However you never know. Sometimes people do things they thought they'd never do again. Like rape, for instance. Yeah I thought I'd given up rape but I've changed my mind.

Jemima Brown:
Shabby research I can stand, but involuted style really makes my ass drag!

Dragon:
[sitting in his dark lair] Even the slightest direct light causes me intense pain.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Does your physical disability preclude you from coming to the point?

Jemima Brown:
Fasten your seat belt, sir.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Oh, I have no intention of trying to escape.

Jonathan Hemlock:
They kill one of ours, we kill the killers. No purpose at all, just barbaric.

Jemima Brown:
You're getting religion a little late.

Jonathan Hemlock:
I didn't quit because of religion, I quit because of mathematics.

Jemima Brown:
Oh?

Jonathan Hemlock:
That's right. The odds are stacking up against me. Assassins who stay too long wind up getting assassinated, and that ain't in my game plan.

Ben Bowman:
This is were I turn back.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Thank God.

Ben Bowman:
Not you, you need the work. George there will take you on up.

Jonathan Hemlock:
It's a girl.

Ben Bowman:
A lot of people notice that.

Ben Bowman:
You know what? Way down deep you've got the makings of a real bad ass. I don't know that I'd like to be alone on a desert island with you if there was a shortage of food.

Jonathan Hemlock:
No worry, you're a friend.

Ben Bowman:
You ever had any enemies?

Jonathan Hemlock:
A few.

Ben Bowman:
Any of them still around?

[last lines]

Jonathan Hemlock:
You know that art collection of mine's not going to get any bigger, but I'd sure like to have you take a long look at it.

Jemima Brown:
I thought you'd never ask. I'll get two tickets. Jonathan, you can tell me. You didn't really sanction all three of them, did you?

Jonathan Hemlock:
[just a long hard look]

Jonathan Hemlock:
And why am I the only one who can perform this sanction?

Dragon:
First, do you accept the assignment?

Jonathan Hemlock:
Yes, I accept!

Jonathan Hemlock:
What we have is this: the target is male, he is an accomplished mountain climber. We learned this from a note we intercepted. Also, a witness said he limped.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Well, that's fine. Now all I have to do is kill every mountain climber with a sore foot.

Dragon:
Not quite. Our man will be involved in a climb in the Alps this summer.

Jonathan Hemlock:
Oh, you're getting warm now, Dragon. That narrows it down to three or four thousand men.

Dragon:
Fewer than that. We know which mountain he will climb.

Jonathan Hemlock:
And?

Dragon:
The Eiger!

Dragon:
Good luck, Hemlock, on your latest assignment: the Eiger sanction.