The Errol Flynn Theatre

Trace:
What is it I'm offerin' to sell to the highest bidder? Why, it's nothin' more or less than meself. Now then, who'll start the bidding?

Tim Doonan:
Three haypence.

Trace:
Naww. Why, it's plain to see you don't appreciate the quality of the goods I'm offerin' ya. Why the ornamental value alone is worth double that... to say nothin' of the benefit of me society.

Trace:
Now just a moment, lady. I said no women, remember.

Laura Bateman:
Just a forget I'm a woman; there's no point in remembering it. This is business.

Trace:
Now isn't that a fine thing... I'm a businessman myself. Do you want to start the biddin'?

Laura Bateman:
I want to hire a laborer for three months work, but I can't afford it. I'm willing to buy a scarecrow and try to turn it into a man.

Host:
You know, there was a time when the code of gentleman was "pistols for two, coffee for one"... a time when an affair of honor could only be settled with a bullet or a sword. Well, our story today is about a duel. It concerns a man who dueled with a friend - a friend who had been dead for fifteen years. How? Well, you'll see.

[after a duel]

Second:
He's dead.

Lord Henry Brandt:
Well, of course, my dear fellow. I usually kill. Return matches are such a bore. Oh, ah, Edward... is my cravat straight?