The Fabulous Baker Boys

Jack Baker:
What's happened to you? Have you been kissing ass so long, you're starting to like it?

Jack Baker:
You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight. We were always small time, but we were never clowns.

Jack Baker:
Frank, if somebody requested "Chopsticks," you'd ask for the sheet music.

Jack Baker:
Who I f*** and who I don't f*** is none of your f***ing business!

Susie Diamond:
You're good, aren't you?

Jack Baker:
I can carry a tune.

Susie Diamond:
You're better than that.

Susie Diamond:
So, make any resolutions?

Jack Baker:
No, you?

Susie Diamond:
Nah, I figure all that stuff's a bunch of crap, anyway. You do what you do, right?

Susie Diamond:
Listen, I didn't expect you to rush out and buy me a corsage this morning, you know. Your high school ring is safe.

Jack Baker:
There's always another girl.

[several scenes later]

Susie Diamond:
So, did you find another girl?

Jack Baker:
I didn't look.

Jack Baker:
You look good.

Susie Diamond:
You look like sh*t.

Jack Baker:
No, I mean it. You look good.

Susie Diamond:
I mean it, too. You look like sh*t.

Frank Baker:
Okay, let's hear it. We trashed the Avedon, the Luau Lounge - what's our beef with 'Feelings'?

Susie Diamond:
Nothing... except who cares? I mean, does anybody really need to hear 'Feelings' again in their lifetime? It's like parsley, okay? Take it away, nobody's going to know the difference.

Frank Baker:
'Feelings' is not parsley!

Susie Diamond:
Frank, to you 'Feelings' may be goddamn filet mignon, but to me, it's parsley. It's *less* than parsley.

Frank Baker:
Look, 'Feelings,' despite what you may think of it, has always been one of the bright moments of the show, and a consistent crowd-pleaser, and consequently we have an obligation to perform it. If we didn't, the audience would be disappointed.

Susie Diamond:
Oh. Well, they weren't exactly crying their eyes out on New Year's Eve.

Frank Baker:
You passed over 'Feelings'?

Susie Diamond:
Yeah. Oh, and 'Bali Hai' went out with the bathwater, too.

Frank Baker:
Ah ha. I see. The cat goes away for the night, and the mice take over the orchestra.

Susie Diamond:
Hey! I ain't no mouse.

Frank Baker:
That's right - you're parsley.

Frank Baker:
[as she auditions 'The Candyman'] Thank you, Miss Moran, that's enough. Miss Moran... Miss Moran! [shouts] Blanche!

Blanche 'Monica' Moran:
Sorry! I get so caught up in it sometimes, it's scary.

Frank Baker:
Yes, it is.

Susie Diamond:
Oh no, not the goddamn Luau Lounge again!

Frank Baker:
What's the matter with the Luau Lounge? They don't salt their peanuts?

Susie Diamond:
Singing 'Feelings' knee-deep in paper orchids and plastic tiki lamps is not exactly my idea of a fun evening.

Frank Baker:
Fun? Who promised you fun? We get paid, remember!

Frank Baker:
Jesus, when was the last time we played the Mallory?

Jack Baker:
'78, November.

Frank Baker:
Right, it was someone's birthday... Halloran?

Jack Baker:
He had a daughter, sweet sixteen.

Frank Baker:
Oh Christ! How could I forget? What a nightmare!

Jack Baker:
She asked for it!

Frank Baker:
I told Halloran we didn't do vocals, and he said, "What my Sissy wants..."

Jack Baker:
"My Sissy gets!"

Jack Baker:
[Leering] She got it, all right!

Susie Diamond:
Listen, you're not going soft on me, are you? I mean, you're not going to start dreaming about me and waking up all sweaty and looking at me like I'm some sort of princess when I burp?

Susie Diamond:
You don't give a f***, do you, about anything?

Jack Baker:
What do you want from me? You want me to tell you to stay, hmm? Is that what you're looking for? You want me to get down on my knees and beg you to save the Baker Boys from doom? Forget it, sweetheart. We survived for 15 years before you strutted onto the scene. Fifteen years. Two seconds, you're bawling like a baby. You shouldn't be wearing a dress; you should be wearing a diaper.

Jack Baker:
Listen to me, princess. We f***ed twice. That's it. Once the sweat dries, you still don't know sh*t about me. Got it?

Susie Diamond:
I know one thing. While Frank Baker was home putting his kids to sleep last night, little brother Jack was out dusting off his dreams for a few minutes. I was there. I saw it in your face. You're full of sh*t. You're a fake. Every time you walk into some shitty daiquiri hut, you're selling yourself on the cheap. Hey, I know all about that. I'd find myself at the end of the night with some creep and tell myself it didn't matter. And you kid yourself that you've got this empty place inside where you can put it all. But you do it long enough and all you are is empty.

Jack Baker:
I didn't know whores were so philosophical.

Susie Diamond:
At least my brother's not my pimp. You know, I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you, but I was wrong. You're worse. You're a coward.

Frank Baker:
I'm sorry. I'm a bit wound up.

Jack Baker:
Frank, you're a f***ing alarm clock.

Jack Baker:
Would you stop that please.

Nina:
[while loudly playing with her paddle ball] You want me to make some coffee? How 'bout some eggs? I can make you some eggs, if you want.

Jack Baker:
Knock it off with that f***ing thing... driving me nuts! Jack you want eggs, Jack you want coffee. You're not my housekeeper, I'm not your f***ing father. I can't babysit you every time your mama gets an itch!

Susie Diamond:
[singing] It's really killing that he's so willing to make whoopee.

Susie Diamond:
l stayed at the Hartford one time. You should see the rooms. All satin and velvet. And the bed... royal blue, trimmed in lace clean as snow. Hard to believe a room like that don't change your life. But it don't. The bed may be magic, but the mirror isn't. Still wake up the same old Susie.

[repeated lines]

Frank Baker:
You hit me!

Jack Baker:
I told you I was gonna hit you.

[Someone needs to add the lines from Jack about having to utilize "the informal procedures" to get his dog back from the vet - for me this one one of the most memorable sequences of the movie]