The Fairly OddParents

Mom Turner:
Timmy, you know you're not supposed to make your father scream like a girl three times in one day.

[the holiday mascots are talking about what they do]

Cupid:
Well, I make kids fall in love.

Kids:
EW.

Cupid:
Point taken.

Wanda:
Two wrongs don't make a right.

Cosmo:
But three rights make a left, and now it's time for the show!

Cosmo:
Not Vicky.

Wanda:
Icky with a V.

Wanda:
You made your dad cry.

Cosmo:
Yeah. Usually it takes a monkey or a bowl of pudding to do that.

Timmy Turner:
Hey guys, what's new?

[Cosmo lights candles under water]

Wanda:
The laws of physics.

[after being turned into a turtle and found by a hungry boy]

Wandisimo:
No. I am too sexy to eat.

Dad:
Egad.

Timmy Turner:
This is great! A world without girls. I can do whatever I want!

Timmy Turner:
[farts] I'm free!

Cosmo:
[Cosmo sniffs the air] Wow, freedom stinks.

Timmy Turner:
Dogs have great sense of smell, they can see in black and white, and they can go to the bathroom any where they want.

Cosmo:
So can I, I'm just polite.

Cosmo:
I married the smart one.

Wanda:
I married the... well he's cute, right?

Cosmo:
If Wanda sees this, she's gonna think I'm an idiot.

Timmy Turner:
And this would be news to her *how*?

Timmy Turner:
Boring conversation. Can't focus.

[Timmy throws a water balloon at Francis, which misses him and ends up hitting someone in France]

The French:
We surrender!

Wandisimo:
Can it be? Wanda the love of my life who I lost to Cosmo who I lost when he married you so you'd stay lost to me?

Cosmo:
[because Wanda is dressed as a pancreas] [grinning] You can be removed?

Wanda:
Uh-oh... my "Cosmo is going to make Timmy dead" sense is tingling.

Chester's Dad:
[crying] Without that tooth, you look just like your momma.

Norm the Genie:
[about Canada] [darkly] They've had it too good for too long.

[repeated line]

Denzel Crocker:
[shouts] Fairly godparents!

Principal Waxelplax:
[after Timmy has won the election and the kids have come back from getting food poisoning from cake] So, Timmy, what do you say to having all the responsibilities of president?

Timmy Turner:
Piece of cake!

[all kids get sick and their faces turn green]

Mom Turner:
Timmy, you know how your dad gets around people who are on money.

Cosmo:
That's what got me on probation.

Trixie Tang:
You're 0.01% more of a person in my eyes.

Cosmo:
Now will you hold me?

Dad Turner:
Timmy... I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway.

Wanda:
He thinks everything is funny. Watch. [turns to Cosmo] Pudding.

Cosmo:
HAHAHAHA. She said pud and then she said ding.

Timmy Turner:
May I *please* have my ball back?

Dr. Bender:
What's the word I'm looking for? Uh... NO! HAHAHA

Mayor:
I hate not being the goat.

Principal Waxelplax:
CROCKER!

Timmy Turner:
[being embraced by Vicky] Urk... Oxygen... Darkness...

Wanda:
[chasing Vicky through space] The force is strong with this one.

Cosmo:
Luke, I am your father. I always wanted to say that.

[after going back in time]

Timmy:
Cool! We're in the Middle Ages!

Cosmo:
Look! I'm middle aged! [Poofs into a middle aged man] YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

Wanda:
Look at our chart. 99.9% Timmy. 0.01% Other.

Timmy Turner:
What's the other?

Wanda, Cosmo:
Timmy!

Dad Turner:
[Mr. Turner is being eaten by a dragon] It looks and feels like I'm getting real third degree burns! Ow! I mean, neat!

Vicky:
All right twerp, time for bed!

Timmy Turner:
But it's only six-o-four!

Vicky:
Well, it's nine-o-four on the East Coast. BED!

[one moment later, in Timmy's bedroom, Timmy's clock changes to six-o-five]

Cosmo:
Now it's nine-o-five on the East Coast!

Denzel Crocker:
[Principal Waxelplax has locked everyone inside the classroom] No! I can't be locked in a room with children! I'm not a people person! I'm barely a person! [ducks behind his desk] HELP!

Denzel Crocker:
Curse this obsolete one month old technology!

Wanda:
Awwwww, Goat Love!

Cosmo:
They say it's the most honest love around.

Jorgen von Strangle:
What in the name of my bulging tripceps is going on?

Jorgen von Strangle:
For failing to distract the dragon, the handsome fairy loses! However, he is still very sexy.

Wandisimo:
This I can live with.

[Cosmo has gotten breast implants]

Cosmo:
I'm keeping them.

Timmy Turner:
Awesome- boys fighting over me!

Wanda:
[Wanda is reading a book in the "All Men are Morons" section of the library] Oh, Hillary! How did you put up with it?

Mom Turner:
You just need to be more secure in your masculinity - like me.

Cosmo:
I don't get it. If you're not married to her, why is she trying to kill you?

Chip Skylark:
[about to faint] Tuesday's... apple sauce... day...

Timmy Turner:
Feel better now?

Chip Skylark:
Yeah. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, but the sound of flushing calms me down.

Dad Turner:
Yay, I'm unemployed!

Dad Turner:
It's deserted and lonely, just like my childhood!

Nega-Chin:
Adam West's waistband!

Wanda:
Timmy, you can't have both brains and brawn. You have to pick just one.

Cosmo:
Or do what I did. Pick neither.

Timmy Turner:
It's fun and destructive. It's funstructive.

Dad Turner:
[to Mom Turner getting her vegetables ready] Hurry, honey! The judges are judging and the Dinkelburgs are Dinkelburging!

Denzel Crocker:
Hey, Turner exploded! That's one less mouth to teach!

Timmy Turner:
Wow, my mom as a kid.

Young Dad Turner:
Yeah... and she's got a beautiful name. It's...

[a Mack truck, blowing its horn drives by Timmy and Young Dad]

Young Dad Turner:
...but everybody calls her Mom.

Cosmo:
Apparently, another thing I'm chock-full of is not knowing stuff.

[Mr.Crocker gives Cosmo and Wanda coffee. The two of them start acting hyper and jump up and down]

Cosmo:
This coffee is great! [shouts] Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Where do they get this stuff?

Denzel Crocker:
Columbia.

Wanda:
Oh! We should go there!

Chester McBadbat:
You replaced me with an actor with better teeth!

A.J.:
And more hair!

Sanjay:
And a well-oiled chest! [pause] What? Am I the only one who noticed?

Timmy Turner:
I'm huge, I hurt people, and I'm misunderstood!

Cosmo:
Just like the IRS!

Mom Turner:
Losing our son was the best thing to ever happen to us!

Dad Turner:
We have a son?

Cosmo:
[after fairy world blows up] I regret nothing!

Cosmo:
What's wrong with being naked in public?

Jorgen von Strangle:
It's time for some fairy-oke!

Announcer:
[to Timmy, who is dressed in costume] You might want to take off the maid outfit; it's pretty creepy.

Cosmo:
[Cosmo as gelatin] Gaze into my jiggly goodness and see the artificial falsehood of your words.

[angrily]

Dad Turner:
Oooh... Dinkelburgs!

Sanjay:
[dazed look at Timmy, as if he was coming onto him] I'll see you in my next dream.

Timmy Turner:
Man, that was one tough montage.

Cosmo:
Oh, relax, Timmy. She'll probably stop laughing when that alien flower you gave her eats her heart out at midnight.

Cosmo:
The good news is I found my spleen!

Timmy Turner:
That's a rare steak.

Cosmo:
In that case, I'm taking it back. I ordered my spleen medium rare.

Wandisimo:
Principles, much like my biceps, are muy bonito.

Cosmo:
Don't forget the rabies! Everything tastes better with rabies!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
There's trouble afoot - I mean, a-chin!

Vicky:
I don't mean to be mean all the time. It's just that I really am.

Sanjay:
[Timmy shows up to save everyone from Unwish Island] I'm having one of those dreams where Timmy saves me again!... Where's your white horse?

Denzel Crocker:
[shows painting] And here's another painting... The Scream.

Timmy Turner:
Why is he screaming?

Denzel Crocker:
Because he was wrong! And he got an F! [unrolls bottom of painting to reveal a table next to the screaming person, with an F on it] Like you! [sticks a paper marked F on Timmy's hair]

Timmy Turner:
I wish I could leave this room inconspicuously. [Cosmo turns his desk legs into rockets. Timmy blasts through the ceiling] Ahhhhhh!

Wanda:
[to Cosmo] It means without being noticed.

Cosmo:
Well, if he wasn't screaming, he wouldn've been noticed.

Wanda:
Don't you think you should be looking for your mom, dad, friends Chester and AJ, and back-up friends Sanjay and Elmer?

Dad:
Good thing I landed on this nice, soft mom!

Timmy Turner:
[reading the title of a book that Dad Turner has just handed him] The Stupid Dad's Guide For Teaching His Weak and Defenseless Son Kung Fu?

Cosmo:
[to Timmy] What did New Zealand ever do to you?

Wanda:
[to Timmy, who has wished that he lived at the circus] You can't stay a carny forever, Timmy.

Cosmo:
Yeah, you don't have the experience! You've never even been to prison.

Mom Turner:
[Timmy is eating ceral like a dog] He sure is hungry.

Dad Turner:
No, no, that's just the way all kids eat cereal now; face first. I'm hip! [Starts to eat his cereal like Timmy]

Timmy Turner:
[School bus arrives] School bus! School bus! Chase! Chase! Chase! Chase!

Dad Turner:
Wow, does Timmy love school or what? [Sticks face into cup of hot coffee] Oww, hot! It doesn't work with hot!

Timmy Turner:
This may sound cliche, but you've gotta throw my severed head into the clearance bin!

Timmy Turner:
Note to self: Never break up with a girl in the Violent Gardening Tool section.

Timmy Turner:
I'm big, I'm hurting people, and I'm misunderstood!

Cosmo:
Just like The IRS.

Timmy Turner:
Hi. I'm Timmy. I have a short attention span and...

[walks away]

Cosmo:
I'd Like to make a motion [starts dancing and singing]

[about to be dissected by the apes. One pulls out a banana]

Timmy:
What are you gonna do? Smush that on my head?

[the banana is really a drill]

[about being fairy godmother to the monkey, Bippy]

Wanda:
I don't know what's worse, the butt scratching or the scintillating conversation.

Denzel Crocker:
If they don't dissect you, do you wanna come to my party on Friday?

Denzel Crocker:
You know what this bow down needs? SHRIMP PUFFS.

[shrimp puffs fall from the sky]

Townspeople:
AH. SHRIMP PUFFS.

[Timmy, disguised, threatens Crocker]

Denzel Crocker:
Hmm. What could an evil ruler say in a time like this?

Wanda:
[captured] I'm gonna let the fairy go?

Denzel Crocker:
NO. But good try, though. I respect that. He'd say SILENCE.

Mom, Dad:
And that's the truth.

Mom:
Maybe Timmy's right. Maybe we do fudge the truth too much.

Dad:
Now honey, I'm sure Timmy's overreacting. Let's just pop in the tape and see how long it takes to catch ourselves in a little white lie.

Mom:
You're right. I'll bet there's not a single lie on any of these tapes.

[Scene of older footage of the Turner family on videotape]

Mom, Dad:
The stork.

Dad:
Wow. That was quick.

Wanda:
When are you going to let me out?

Denzel Crocker:
What's today?

Wanda:
Tuesday.

Denzel Crocker:
Wednesday, Thursday... NEVER!

Timmy:
How hard can it be to find one stinkin' muffin?

[party erupts in school cafetria for "Muffin Monday"]

Muffin Man:
Oh boy. IT'S MUFFIN MONDAY.

A.J.:
I thought it was monkey Monday.

Chester McBadbat:
[angry] Aw, man!

[pulls out muffler]

Chester McBadbat:
What am I supposed to do with THIS THING?

Chet:
I'm Chet Ubowdown, and it's time TO BOW DOWN.

Cosmo:
This could be a whole new adventure for us. Who knows what unique and interesting things monkeys could wish for?

Bippy:
Ook ahk.

Cosmo:
COOL.

[Cosmo grants wish, bannana appears]

[Timmy flees the classroom]

Denzel Crocker:
Oh no you don't. You need a hall pass for that.

[a girl finds a boy with fairy godparents]

Flashback Girl:
Hey, are those fairy godparents?

Flashback Boy:
They sure are.

[Godparents vanish forever because it's a rule]

Flashback Girl:
Loser.

[while the world is being ruled by apes]

Cosmo:
[sings] I love the species that throws their own feces.

[Timmy and Crocker are fighting in a sub-atomic universe]

Timmy:
You always were a lousy teacher, Crocker. But I did learn something from science class, and that is what happens when you split an atom.

[Timmy fires one of cupid's arrows, but... ]

Denzel Crocker:
HA-HAAA! You MISSED!

Timmy:
[smugly] Wasn't aiming at ya.

Principal Waxelplax:
Crocker! What's the meaning of this fork in my fanny?

Denzel Crocker:
Uh... It's Cupid's fork... Of love... I LOVE YOU!

Principal Waxelplax:
Well, this is so sudden... and unwanted.

Jorgen von Strangle:
[after being cleared of memory] What was I going to do next?

Cosmo:
Uhhh... Scramble the fairies?

Jorgen von Strangle:
YES! I like to scramble the fairies!

Cosmo:
I'm terrible at small talk! Ask me about the weather!

Timmy:
Uhhh... How's the weather?

Cosmo:
JEFF! See!

Timmy:
Crocker can make two plus two equal fish!

Timmy Turner:
Cool, I have five o'clock shadow.

Cosmo:
And it's only 7 am.

[after his knowledge has been sucked out]

Timmy Turner:
What's going on? I don't know anything anymore.

Cosmo:
Welcome to my world.

Timmy Turner:
Cosmo, Wanda, I don't know anything!

Cosmo:
Welcome to MY world!

Mark Chang:
[about to pitch a kickball] Die! I mean, batter up!

Mark Chang:
[uneasily] What's with the face? It is happy yet at the same time disturbing.

Fairy Hart:
[at Zappy Awards] And the Zappy goes to... Blonda!

Blonda:
I just wanna say that I couldn't won this without the help of my dowdy sister Ronda- oh, Wanda. Excusez-moi.

Cosmo:
Hey! You helped Blonda win the Zappy.

Wanda:
And she got Jorgen to stop blaming me and Timmy to stop making x-treme wishes. And best of all, I'm friend with my sister again.

Cosmo:
Yes, you're totally hot sister. What? I chose you, didn't I? Of course, it was dark.

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
Evil redheads make boy bands say "Ewww."

Tootie:
I'm so wet you can't even tell how much I'm crying!

Tootie:
Why can't you give my love a chance?

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
I'm totally into the idea of you giving me to Tootie. That way, she'll always have a piece of you to smother and choke.

Timmy Turner:
That's an oddly specific action phrase.

[Mom Turner and Dad Turner are in a tank]

Mom Turner:
Wasn't that the Dinkleburgs' car?

Dad Turner:
I hope so, that's what I was aiming for.

[Trying to satisfy Jorgen Van Strangle with a slide show]

Cosmo:
...And this is us cowering in fear 2 minutes ago, and this is us cowering in fear 1 minute ago, and this is us cowering in fear 30 seconds...

Jorgen von Strangle:
You have failed in your responsibility as fairy godparents!

Wanda:
So what? It's just a stupid inspection! You wanna send us back to the fairy academy, fine! But right now Timmy needs our help!

[Wanda poofs away and Jorgan glares at Cosmo]

Cosmo:
Don't kill me!

Timmy Turner:
It'll be our little secret... of LOOOOOOVE!

Tootie:
Oh, TIMMY!

Jorgen von Strangle:
[Cosmo and Wanda have just passed their fairy examination by delaying Jorgen for a long time] Your delaying tactics were obviously part of your overall presentation.

Wanda:
Uh, sure.

Cosmo:
We'll go with that.

Jorgen von Strangle:
Very impressive. Highly original.

[shouts]

Jorgen von Strangle:
Don't do it again!

Dad Turner:
Why don't I get to go to the nice clink?

Timmy Turner:
[after wishing something bad would happen to Chip, which turned out to be being held hostage by Vicky] Sorry about all this, Chip.

Chip Skylark:
That's all right, little pal. It's not like you wished for this to happen.

Chip Skylark:
Tuesday's... applesauce day. [snores musically]

Mr. Denzel Crocker:
[coming out of the psychiatric ward] At last, I'm cured! No more fairies! For the first time in my life, I'm able to focus on other things! I've figured out cold fusion! There's no limit to the good I can do for humanity!

[Timmy's wish that no one remember anything from the last few days takes affect on Crocker]

Mr. Denzel Crocker:
What the heck is this junk? Was I about to help people? This can only be the work of... FAIRIES!

[laughs madly and runs back inside the hospital]

Adult Timmy Turner:
[about to fade back into the future] It's up to you. You can stop Vicky in "Mahomushi". You can... change the future.

Young Timmy Turner:
But if I do, you won't exist!

Adult Timmy Turner:
Sure I will. And I'll exist in a future worth getting into. You can do it, Timmy. You're a great kid. I know.

[he fades away]

Young Timmy Turner:
No, come back! Please! Please!

[Timmy growls and then screams]

Young Timmy Turner:
Every time something cool happens in my life -*Every Time*, Vicky ruins it! Well, I'm not gonna let her ruin anything else!

Timmy Turner:
If I don't make it out of here... [suspenseful music]

Timmy Turner:
Tell my dad... [more suspenseful music]

Timmy Turner:
He's weird.

Mr. Turner:
[the Turners confront Vicky after finally figuring out she's evil] So Vicky, what do you have to say for yourself?

Mrs. Turner:
In the face of this of this overwhelming evidence that you are, and always have been, an evil, lying, troublemaking shrew!

Vicky:
[in tears] I'm, I'm sorry! I blame television!

Mr. Turner:
Nice try! What do you take us for, idiots?

Vicky:
[uneasy] Yes?

Mrs. Turner:
Vicky, you're fired!

Mrs. Turner:
Our son ran away because we didn't believe him about Vicky being an evil babysitter!

Doug Dimmadome:
What? Didn't you hear that Chip Skylark song "Icky Vicky"? What did you think that song was about, pumpkins?

Mr. Turner:
Yes.

Mr. Turner:
You dented a 747, destroyed Mr. Joel's glass house, and worse, Dinkleberg won my plaque.

[outside the Turner's front window]

Dinkleburg:
Fetch, Dinkle-dog!

Mr. Turner:
Those gleeful fish are right to cheer.

Adam West:
[Cosmo and Wand are being pulled toward a taxi-a voice comes gleefully over the intercom] Hey there, fairy folks! This is Adam West saying remember to buckle up!

Mr. Turner, Mrs. Turner:
[to Timmy] We love you!

Mr. Turner:
But I love you more!

[Cast becomes Sesame Street-type puppets]

Vicky:
Today's show has been brought to you by the letter "V".

[Vicky laughs as she carries the V with her, and jumps into fake TV, then Young and Old Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda appear]

Young Timmy Turner:
This way! Quick!

[Young and old Timmy walk off, leaving Cosmo and Wanda]

Cosmo:
I've never felt more alive! Get it? Felt! FELT!

[everyone starts jumping into the TV]

Vicky:
I had the greatest dream. I almost took over the world and destroyed everybody.

[Last lines, imitating Porky Pig]

Cosmo:
Well... Th-th-th, Th-th-th, Th-th-th, Th-th-th, Th-th-th, Th-th-th...

Wanda:
Cosmo, what's the matter with you?

Cosmo:
Nothing. It's just really cold in here.

Young Timmy Turner:
Older? What happens when I get older?

Cosmo:
Ah, Timmy. It's time for a little talk about something we fairies like to call, "The Wands and the Wings."

[Cosmo gets out a pink sock puppet and a green sock puppet]

Cosmo:
You see, when a mommy fairy and a daddy fairy love each other very much...

Wanda:
Cosmo, no! Not that speech!

Adult Timmy Turner:
[while driving a race car] Hand me the Remote!

Young Timmy Turner:
[also driving a race car] Why should I trust you? You're an adult! And if you're an adult that means you're not a child, and if you are not a child that means you're an adult, and if you're an adult that means you can be trusted!

[Rapid Frame Changing]

Young Timmy Turner:
Ahh! Oooh! Ahh!

Blackbird:
[arrives to see his destroyed lair] Curse you Quizzler!

[in Clint's Hints]

Adult Timmy Turner:
[as a duck; whispering to his younger self and referring to Cosmo and Wanda] Why are those pink and green characters following us everywhere?

Young Timmy Turner:
[in the form of a piglet] Oh, uh... they're my goldfish; and they accidentally fell into the TV with me and... they change just like we do?

Adult Timmy Turner:
Makes about as much sense as anything else here.

Young Timmy Turner:
Wow, I'm as gullible as any other adult when I grow up.

[Brief pause as younger Timmy looks at a footprint on the floor]

Young Timmy Turner:
I mean... oh no, a Vicky-print! You know what that means!

[Jeff stumbles in]

Jeff:
A footprint! That's a hint! A Clint Hint? Now we have a clue as to where Vicky might be!

[Jeff starts laughing maniacally]

[in Clint's Hints]

Adult Timmy Turner:
[as a duck; whispering to his younger self and referring to Cosmo and Wanda] Why are those pink and green characters following us everywhere?

Young Timmy Turner:
[in the form of a piglet] Oh, uh... they're my goldfish; and they accidentally fell into the TV with me and they change just like we do?

Adult Timmy Turner:
Makes about as much sense as anything else around here.

Young Timmy Turner:
Wow, I'm as gullible as any other adult when I grow up.

[In the "Blue's Clues" parody, "Clint's Hints"]

Jeff:
[to the audience; as he does a cartwheel into the scene] Hi, kids! I'm Jeff!

Jeff:
[runs closer to the camera] Ignore the shaving cut and the five o'clock shadow. I'm really a kid, just like you. Hey, let's go find some hints!

Jeff:
[runs backwards away from the camera] Some Clint's Hints! Come on!

[Jeff runs off screen to his right]

Paula Poundcake:
[introducing herself to Adult Timmy] Hi, I'm Paula Poundcake, and this is Pup Tart.

[Pup-Tart pops out of the toaster as Paula bites off his nose and eats it as Pup-Tart barks in pain]

Donnie Donut:
[introducing himself] And I'm Donnie Donut; and even though I'm a boy, I still think this place is swell!

[the characters run around Adult Timmy]

Paula Poundcake characters:
[together] Our icing is niceing!

Paula Poundcake:
[to Adult Timmy] Are you made of licorice?

[Paula attempts to take a bite of Adult Timmy's arm, but Adult Timmy swipes his arm away before she can even take a bite of it]

Adult Timmy Turner:
[runs over and grabs a rather large candy cane using it as a weapon] Get back, you frosted freaks! Back!

Paula Poundcake characters:
Oooooohh!

Wanda:
Finally! A romance novel to shake the ages. [she starts typing] "It was dawn. I was in my towel when the ninjas attacked..."

Dad:
[Repeated line] Snkaaa... Egg... Sknaaa... Nog... Sknaaa... Eggnog!

Wanda:
Welcome to the Secret Fairy RV & Boat Show!

Cosmo:
Look at me! I'm seaworthy! Look at the size of my poop deck! [blows horn]

Dad Turner:
Ewww! Jeez, son. If you're gonna do that, shut the door. Not mine!

Sprout Speevak:
[in flashback] Sprig! Come on! Mom made turkey!

Bird:
[in present] WHAT?

[pulls out numerous blasters and missiles and points them at Sprig]

Sprig Speevak:
Hey! Wait! Let me finish! She said...

Sprout Speevak:
[in flashback] Sprig! Come on! Mom made the turkey... a new sweater... and is treating it like a complete equal that we would never, EVER eat!

Bird:
[retracts missiles] Better.

Sprig Speevak:
[lands in a field of cows] Wow! Look at all this fuel!

The Crimson Chin:
That's adorable. Justice makes it giggle!

Timmy Turner:
A dead end! I'm doomed

Cosmo:
Well, you've lived a good life.

Timmy Turner:
I'm only ten!

Cosmo:
I said good not long.

Timmy Turner:
So tired... I wish... RAINING DUCKS!

Timmy Turner:
Hey mom, can I have a marker and paper. I need to make a poster.

Mom Turner:
Well sure, honey.

Timmy Turner:
Yeah. That's Vibrant and noticeable.

Chet Ubetcha:
Tidal waves are approaching the cities. Dogs and cats are living together. It's mass hysteria!

Timmy Turner:
[Poof squirts water]

Timmy Turner:
It's a boy because, boys love water guns.

[after being turned into a turtle by Wanda's ex-boyfriend]

Cosmo:
Revenge. REEVVEENGGE.

[after having his hand kissed by Wanda's ex]

Cosmo:
That's my hand bub, and I don't need magic to turn it into a fist.

[Tries unsuccessfully]

Chester McBadbat #2:
Nobody makes a fool out of Chester McBadbat except the school system, the government, and every girl I ever met.

Timmy Turner:
Time to get out of bed, get dressed, put on my shoes... [looks down at feet] Whatever!

[last lines]

Cosmo:
[Cosmo and Wanda are turned into piles of string] Neat! I'm string! YAY!

Cosmo:
Let's get one thing straight. I'm not bright. Big words confuse me. I have the attention span of a rodent, and Wanda loves me anyway. And that should be enough for you.

[on chores]

Cosmo:
You could melt it wall with heat vision.

Wanda:
Or you could wish for the chores to be done.

Timmy Turner:
That's a good idea. I wish...

Cosmo:
OR you could melt it, with HEAT VISION.

Timmy Turner:
Gotta go with superpowers.

Young Bill Gates:
I'll connect all the computers in the world. I'll call it the internet.

Cosmo:
That's silly! You should call it the Timmy.

Young Bill Gates:
Okay!

Timmy Turner:
[after going back in time and Cosmo tells the Young Bill Gates to call the internet the Timmy] Hey, Dad, whatchya doin?

Dad Turner:
Just looking for a new trophy of the Timmy computer network.

Cosmo:
All right! Two wishes for Cosmo, none for Wanda! I'm on fire, baby!

Timmy Turner:
[after being poofed back to the 1970s] In the future, there will be 500 TV channels.

Young Dad Turner:
Far out!

Timmy Turner:
But nothing to watch!

Young Dad Turner:
NOOOOOO!

[after Timmy wishes that Cosmo and Wanda switch genders]

Cosmo:
[offscreen in the bathroom-Cosmo falls in the toilet] Ahh! Would it *kill* ya to leave the lid down?

Wanda:
Would it *kill* ya to look before ya sit?

Wanda:
He's stealing second!

Cosmo:
Third!

Man:
My wallet!

Woman:
My watch!

Dad Turner:
My pants!

Mom Turner:
You came without those, sweetie!

Dad Turner:
Right!

Timmy Turner:
Congratulations! You're now Cosma and Wando.

Cosmo:
What's happening? How come I suddenly know which boy bands rock out loud?

Wanda:
I don't know! Why am I tempted to scratch myself and not care who sees?

Dad Turner:
[reaches into pocket of restored pants] A coupon for 'Timmy-Os'? Those are for pack-mules!

Norm the Genie:
Hold on there, Hunch Back of I've-Never-Spoken-To-A-Dame.

Norm the Genie:
[regarding Mr. Crocker's appearance] That... thing on your neck. Is that your ear?

Norm the Genie:
Seriously, have you ever *talked* to a girl?

[repeated line]

George Washington:
Must... chop... WOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD.

Dad Turner:
*gasp* Hey! You're the guy on the money! Will you sign this?

George Washington:
Who am I, John Hancock?

Mom Turner:
Honey, look! It's the guy on the nickel.

George Washington:
Hah! Nickel. I'm on the dollar. I'm worth 20 of you, ha ha!

Dad Turner:
*Gasp* And that's the guy on the hundred! If I can't touch the money, can I at least touch him?

Benjamin Franklin:
Excuse me!

Wanda:
You don't think...?

Cosmo:
I never think!

[Timmy's parents are mistaken for the Souvenir Bandits and arrested]

Wanda:
They're intwined in the American legal system. It could take *years* to get them out, even with magic!

Denzel Crocker:
YES! YES!

Mrs. Crocker:
Denzel, can you scrub mommy's feet?

Denzel Crocker:
YES, I mean NO!

Dad Turner:
I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway!

[crashes through Timmy's bedroom door with a battering ram]

Trixie:
Do I think Timmy Turner is neat? Actually, my love for him burns with the white-hot intensity with of a thousand suns, but I can't let Trixie know that. [typing] No way, he's gross!

Timmy Turner:
Oh, great. The crazy one likes me.

Dad Turner:
[Seeing Mr. Crocker in a dress on the computer] Timmy, you know you're not supposed to be on those kind of websites!

Timmy Turner:
But that's my teacher.

Dad Turner:
Well, it does make him look pretty!

Cosmo:
[to Wanda] Pull my wand. [Makes a loud farting noise]

Dad Turner:
Whoa, what has your mother been feeding you?

Dad Turner:
Ha, I'm a genius! Now I'm gonna go make ice cream out of bird seed and gum!

Cosmo:
3d's? Just like Timmy's report card!

Cosmo:
That book is terrifying! There are words in it!

Timmy:
[Timmy encounters a newly-constructed building on the island they are stranded on] Whoa! What is this?

Dad:
Eeh, it's a boat store. Everyone knows you can't get a boat without a boat store.

Timmy:
Uh, wouldn't it be easier to just build a boat?

Dad:
Sure, Timmy. And it would be easier to count to 7 if 7 came before 5. But, life doesn't work that way.

Timmy:
OK, look. I think you've been out in the sun a little too long.

[alarm goes off]

Sergeant Flinch:
General McCloud, remember that bomb we lost?

General McCloud:
[shouting] Which one, Sergeant Flinch? We're the U.S. military. We lose bombs every day.

Mr. Crocker:
It's Turner. He's about to be destroyed for real. Suddenly, I feel alive again!

General McCloud:
[shouting in Mr. Crocker's face] We can't blow up a populated island, Linda. Besides, there's an elf on it. We'll all end up on Santa's naughty list. Deactivate that bomb, sergeant.

[Timmy is searching for the World's largest egg in a scavenger hunt, and bump into a large dinosaur]

Wanda:
Please be a plant eater! Please be a plant eater!

Cosmo:
Please be a Wanda eater! Please be a Wanda eater!

Wanda:
We've finally been invited to a party at Cupid's!

Timmy Turner:
And I care about this why?

Wanda:
Because, Cupid's parties are legendary in Fairy World. Everybody who's anybody gets invited.

Cosmo:
Yeah, but apparently somebody who's anybody said no, because we got invited anyway! Come on!

Cosmo:
You and Remy will never be able to out-scavenger hunt me, Wanda, and Timmy.

Wandisimo:
So sure of yourself are you? Perhaps a bet, for the beautiful hand of your beautiful wife?

Cosmo:
No way! I would never risk Wanda's love for something as worthless as a bet!

Wandisimo:
[holds up a nickel] And this shiny nickel?

Cosmo:
Ahh! So, shiny... So worth five cents... You're on!

Leprechaun:
[sing/song] They say that old Cosmo was dense, For betting his wife for five cents. If she knows, she'll be mad. If she's gone, he'll be sad. I'm betting the pain is intense.

Wanda:
[screaming] You bet me for a nickel?

Cosmo:
But, it was a shiny nickel.

Denzel Crocker:
Look up in the sky! Is it a D? Is it an E? No! It's Super F!

Adam West:
Alright Timmy, I'll see you in one week! [time card appears on-screen that reads "4 Days Later"] Hi, Timmy! I'll see you in three days!

Jorgen von Strangle:
Timmy Turnahh, you hah-ve interrupted my cooooking class! If my souffl? falls, I'm going to bake you cake... OF DEATH!

[Cosmo and Wanda are about to be attacked by an alien princess]

Wanda:
Cosmo, do something!

Cosmo:
[deadpan] I can't. I'm married.

Trixie Tang:
Timmy, are you alright, would you feel better if dated you?

[Timmy has just wished he had no emotions whatsoever]

Wanda:
So, sport, how do you feel?

Timmy Turner:
I do not.

Trixie Tang:
He's so unfeeling! That makes him cool.

Timmy Turner:
It's violent and educational. But mostly violent. Yay, violence!

Cosmo:
This episode has been brought to you by the society for healthy colons.

A.J.:
My mom packed me spinach. She wants me to have a healthy colon. What did your mom pack you?

Timmy Turner:
Candy!... And violence!

Cosmo:
Look! There's still enough pretty color for one of us to slide down the Rainbow Bridge! Wow, there wasn't a manly word in that sentence!

Wanda:
Now you're the President of the United States.

Cosmo:
[takes out an USA map] Except in Florida. They are still voting.

Cosmo:
My stupid, pointy hat! It's a crown again! And still not a manly word to be found! [Jorgen smashes Cosmo into the ground with his fist] Wow! That was extenuatingly manly!

Cosmo:
There's still enough pretty color left for one of us to slide down the rainbow bridge... Wow, there wasn't a manly word in that sentence!

Tom Sawyer:
As they say in Missouri, I ain't goin' back to Missouri!

Cosmo:
That's wiggity-wiggity-wack!

Wanda:
Whattity-whattity-WHAT?

Mom Turner Hand Puppet:
[talking to Dad Turner] I think you're being too hard on Timmy.

Timmy Turner:
No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay.

Mark, the Alien:
I am a warrior prince from Eugopatamia... MY NAME'S MARK.

[Cosmo and Wanda are talking to alien]

Cosmo:
The good news is, I named my nickel Phillip.

Timmy Turner:
Uh, what's the bad news?

Cosmo:
It's a girl nickel.

Mark Chang's Father:
[about to let Mark stay with Vicky and is scared by timmy eating a flower] I-I mean no son! You can't. She's not where we're from!

Vicky:
You mean Europe?

Mark Chang's Father:
[silence] Oookayyyyy.

Mark Chang's Father:
[about to let Mark stay with Vicky and is scared by Timmy eating a flower] I- I mean no, son! You can't. She's not where we're from!

Vicky:
You mean Europe?

Mark Chang's Father:
[silence] Oookayyyyy.

Cosmo:
The good news is the alien we got you is actually the prince of the dreaded war planet Yugopotamia.

Wanda:
And his parents are on their way here to destroy the Earth and rescue their son.

Timmy Turner:
What's the bad news?

Wanda:
Oh, wait, that *was* the bad news.

Timmy Turner:
Then what's the good news?

Cosmo:
I found a nickel.

Denzel Crocker:
But they're no match for my fairy detector chair. If they survive, THEY'RE FAIRIES. And if they don't, I HAVE TENURE.

[Cosmo and Wanda are posing as Timmy's parents and are attending a parent teacher conference. Mr. Crocker brings out an electric chair to determine whether they are fairies or humans]

Denzel Crocker:
May I offer you a chair?

Cosmo:
Sure! May I offer you a fish?

[Cosmo gives Mr.Crocker the fish. Crocker slips and falls backwards into the electric chair with the fish]

Cosmo:
Fish sticks!

Denzel Crocker:
I'll be right back after I chip off the dead skin.

Mark:
[Timmy walks in] Timmy Turner! You have re-turnered!

Wanda:
And Cosmo still hasn't gotten over Super Toilet...

Cosmo:
It took the plunger, the whole plunger.

[Cosmo curls into fetal position and sucks thumb]

Timmy Turner:
[Timmy appears in a place filled with hair and a very hairy creature] Fairy World?

Sasquatch:
[angrily] Hairy World.

Cow Fairy:
[Poofs in next to Timmy] Dairy World?

Timmy Turner:
[bored] Hairy World.

Cow Fairy:
Oh darn it!

Policeman:
said throughout episode: you are one creepy adult.

Comicbook Writer:
I hope it's my new issue of Geeks Who Live With Their Mothers Monthly!

[Timmy opens his locker and is buried in a sea of papers with F's on them. Mr. Crocker then rides in on a canoe]

Denzel Crocker:
[to Timmy] I have decided to give you all the F's you will recieve now through college. And sense I'm ahead of schedule, I have time to laugh at you. HAHAHAHA!

Timmy Turner:
Cool there's a D in here.

Denzel Crocker:
Stupid two bit room! Stupid two bit van! Stupid two bit life!

Mrs. Crocker:
Denzel! Would you like your stupid two bit dessert? I made your stupid two bit favorite!

Cosmo:
[in Spanish class] Itengo un puerco en mis shortis!

Wanda:
You have a hog in your pants?

Cosmo:
[pulling a hog out of his shorts] ?Si!

Timmy Turner:
If I don't make it out of here... tell my dad... he's weird.

Mrs. Turner:
I'm so happy for Timmy, he's probably so nervous he can't even breathe!

Timmy Turner:
[being choked by Mr. Crocker] Can't... breathe!

[first lines]

Timmy:
Wait! Violence never solved anything. Can't we settle this with a game of dodge ball? [gets hit in head with dodge ball]

Cosmo:
I was a little disappointed in the vegetable medley. The carrots were way off-key.

Dad:
Maybe I should start doing the things on my bucket list. [picks up bucket with paper sticking out of it] Wait, this isn't the list; it's a receipt for the bucket. Oh, oh, here it is! Eh, let's see... Buy bucket. Did that. Ooh, join some kind of club. Let's see if the paper has any clubs listed. [starts reading newspaper] Sewing club. That sounds like fun.

Timmy:
[looks at newspaper headline, "You're doomed, Timmy Turner!" and screams in terror]

Timmy:
What is it, Timmy? Have you heard not so good things about the sewing club?

Timmy:
No, Dad. My sworn enemies have teamed up to destroy me.

Dad:
So, the sewing club is fine then? Oh, that's a relief! See ya! [throws newspaper on Timmy's head and runs off]

[last lines]

Cosmo:
My eyes are numb.

[trying to find a replacement dad for a competition]

Timmy Turner:
Well, I'm off to find a man!

Mom Turner:
Look in the sporting goods department! That's where I found your father!

Timmy:
Wow! A whole world without Girls! I can do whatever I want!

( Timmy's Belly Gurgles and he Farts )

Timmy:
( Belly Gurgles ) ( FAAARRRT! ) I'm free!

Cosmo:
( Sniffs the air ) Wow! Freedom Stinks!

Timmy:
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPPP! [The earth shakes and the burp-o-meter shatters]

Mayor:
The winner! [hands Timmy a giant trophy filled with money]

Timmy:
Thank--BURRRP!--you! BURRRRRP!

Timmy:
BUUURRRP! Excuse Me!

( Timmy starts Patting his Full Tummy )

Timmy:
I already ate so much of your delicious beans, carrots, turnips,and Squash ( Puts his hands on his big Tummy, his Tummy Gurgles and he Farts ) (Tummy Gurgles) ( FAARRT! ) Excuse Me! ( Pats his Tummy) That my Tummy is Full! May I please save some for later?