The Fast Show

Louis Balfour:
What are you going to play for us today, Jackson?

Jackson Jeffery Jackson:
Trumpet.

Louis Balfour:
No, er, what tune?

Jackson Jeffery Jackson:
[indignant] Tune? This' jazz!

Carl Hooper:
Next week on the show: bats - are they really blind or just takin' a piss out of me?

Ralph:
What are you fishing for?

Ted:
Fish.

Various roles:
You a young mother, are you? That's the hardest job in the world is, innit, eh? The old motherin' game. Yeah, hardest game in the world. Yeah, I done it meself, see? Yeah. Thirty years, man and woman.

Ron Manager:
Self belief. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it, I can do it, I can really move from my head right down to my blue suede shoes. Isn't it? Rubettes, 1973? Marvellous.

Dave Angel:
Heey! My name's Dave Angel, eco warrior. Behind me there is my missus Shirley, and we haven't had sex for twelve years, which is fine because we got better things to do.

Jesse:
This season, I'll be mostly wearing no vest and no pants neither...

Director:
Chip? Take five - we need to reset the wire.

Chip:
Set meself on fire? All right.

Roger Nouveau Football Fan:
Of course, it wasn't always like that. I used to support... er? Manchester United. But then, you had to support them where I came from in... erm... Hampstead.

Rowley Birkin:
I opened my eyes and - by jingo! I realised I'd married three of 'em.

Billy Bleach:
She was half woman, half fish. Terrible in the kitchen, but a bloody good swimmer.

Our Janine:
I've gone vegetarian now. I mean, I know I had a sausage roll yesterday, but it's not really meat, is it, y'know? I mean, there's no animal called a "sausage".

13th Duke of Wybourne:
Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a sixth form girl's dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? What were they thinking of?

Policeman:
I've ascertained the time of death as 9.15.

Monkfish:
Have you really? What do you want, a biscuit?

Swiss Toni:
Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.

Football Commentator:
Well, Ron Manager, once again the pace and the tempo of that first half totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.

Ron Manager:
Cor, Ryan Giggs, you know? Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wiggsy? Mmm? Oh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know, marvellous.

Tommy:
Is he the new George Best?

Ron Manager:
Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? But Giggsy-wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Mmm? Ooh, got it all, you know? Speed, acceleration, sweet left foot, all the tricks - the dummy, the drop of the shoulder, the shimmy, nutmeg, jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.

Football Commentator:
Thank you, Ron. Now, Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.

Ron Manager:
Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?

Football Commentator:
You've lost me there, Ron. Not sure about that particular formation. But, Tommy, do we need structure? Look at the Brazilians.

Ron Manager:
Oh, those Brazilians, you know? Circa 1970? Broke the mould. Theory out the window. Free expression of football. Uncategorisable. Is that a word? It is now! You know? Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Rush goalie. Two at the back, three in the middle, four up front, one's gone home for his tea. Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.

Brilliant:
You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant! But he's not really small. They made him look small to fit on telly. They did it with trick photography, which is brilliant. Only they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2. Have you seen it? It's about this bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again. Fantastic! Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film but with a different number, like two or three. Even bad films are great, 'cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant. In fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, brilliant silvery costumes, food in pills and probably some special futurey can-opener. Fantastic! And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything! Except play football. They'd be no good in goal, but they do everything else, virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear a hat! I tried it with me brother's crash helmet and I fell down the stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

[repeated line]

News Anchor:
A fe fe fe a fe fe fe, Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Rowley Birkin:
...thin layer of lemon curd...

Ron Manager:
Arseholes! Sorry I meant "Marvellous"...

Rowley Birkin:
Completely made out of rubber...

Rowley Birkin:
Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub and lays its eggs in your brain!

Rowley Birkin:
I punched him right on the nose!

Rowley Birkin:
Opened my eyes and, by George, realised I'd married three of them!

Rowley Birkin:
And I was feeling a little liverish!

Johnny:
[Out watercolour painting] The rain is the sky's blood, pierced by the arrows of foolhardiness!

Johnny's Wife:
Sophocles!

Johnny:
[Holds up a glass of wine] Ah, the grape! Dark... and black...

Johnny's Wife:
Johnny...

Johnny:
The blackness! The end! Where are we sleeping tonight, Mother? In Father's Grave!

Johnny:
I don't want to die! They wait for me in the forest...

Johnny's Wife:
Johnny?

Johnny:
The mounts are heavy and full of woe! I'm a fly! Trapped in a bottle of shadows!

Johnny:
My word look at that sky! We'll have to work like demons to get it down. Look at the contrasts, the whites, the black... You lock me in the cellar and feed me pins! Pins! Pins! Ew!

Johnny's Wife:
I think we'd better be getting home, now, Johnny.

Johnny:
What's for tea, Mother? Maggots on Toast?

Johnny:
They're here! They're here! They've landed on the Pier!

Swiss Toni:
For God's sake, Paul, do you not realise! I'm having a nervous breakdown...

Rowley Birkin:
[a caravan site is on his slideshow] In some dark corner of the human soul...

Rowley Birkin:
Oh you must have been there. Oh, it's quite, quite, quite, quite wonderful...

Brilliant:
Aren't shops brilliant? If you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in the shop. Like a magazine or anything.

Customer:
This man insulted me!

Manager:
Was it done with any style, madam?

Ron Manager:
Who's that, over in the corner? It's me, losing my religion.

Johnny Depp:
Look! Will you just build me a f***ing suit?